“Where is he?”
Red eyes with unshed tears locked with mine. “He and his brothers are being picked up as we speak. Them niggas might not have been in the house when he was beating her ass to death, but they were there. Guilty by association. I don’t care none.” He shrugged, running a hand down his face. “I’ll save him for you but I got the others. Whenever you’re ready let me know.”
“JD?” I prayed he wasn’t there to witness his mother’s last moments.
“He’s with one of her friends. His godmother, I think. She had him all day. I can’t stay in here like this. Call me later.” He walked out leaving me once again alone with…her.
What would I gain by looking at her beaten and battered face? What would I gain by this being the last image of her that I would ever have? The last time I saw her was the other day when I went to the diner to get JD and take him to the doctor while she worked a double. She tried everything to get me to smile and not be upset with her, and I did somewhat give in when she started making these weird faces.
Her promises of things changing, those weren’t words I held onto. I took everything she said for a grain of salt because her past promises had proven that she wasn’t a woman of her word. All I ever wanted to do was help Nesha. I offered several times to move her in the condo I had. Offered to take care of them fully while she figured out what she wanted to do with her life. In some twisted way, I offered to be everything she needed even her man.
Amell, I have to figure out life on my own. This is my life to live, not yours.
All I need from you is to be my friend and support whatever it is that I do.
Those were words she constantly spoke to me. I knew them by heart because she said them so often. I questioned her love for Big JD. Questioned how a love attached to pain felt real and was worth staying. She’d tell me that I would understand once I gave my heart away and had children.
“Nesh,” my voice cracked as I blindly reached for her hand. It was still lukewarm. Not yet cold. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Rest easy baby girl. I’ll take care of JD. I promise to take care of him and your grandmother. I’m going to miss you, baby girl. I lo…I love you, O’Nesha.” Kissing the back of her hand, I walked out of that room, the hospital, and sat in my car trying to figure out what to do next.
Why wait until death to speak the true words of the love I had for her?
Standing there my mind played a cruel game of going back in time to when I first saw her. I crushed on her from the porch of my home and that crush grew to admiration the more she became a woman. I thought about her often. Probably too much. Spoiled her by buying anything she wanted. I cared for her son as my own. I loved JD like I loved my brothers. My confused mind wanted her to see that I could help raise a little boy that wasn’t mine. Show her that all her imperfections, they made me love her more.
But I waited too late.
Waited too long to realize that what those feelings were was love. I wonder if she knew. I did the opposite of what Odom asked me to do. Caught up in my feelings she was murdered by a man that I let breathe because she asked me to. I kill men for a living. Second in command to one of Florida’s ruthless drug lords, yet I couldn’t keep her safe. She died because of me.
Chapter 5
Krishna
“It’s a damn shame that you listen to me when a gun is in your hands but when I try to have a civilized conversation with you over the phone, you forget that it’s my damn balls you came from.” My father always had a brash way of communicating with me. Sugarcoating had never been his style. He said what he said when he wanted to say it and how he wanted to say it. Either take it or leave it. But with my mom, his matter-of-fact tone changed quickly to that of a smooth operator.
“Well, if you quit playing around and hire me, none of this would even be a factor right now, Father.” Oh, he hated when I put way too much emphasis on his biological title in my life. Said it sounded like a bunch of cracka lingo.
“Bring your ass home again and see what I do for you.”
“Why are we back at this conversation? Like I told you for the hundredth time, I came here because I needed my parents. What is so wrong about me needing you guys? Oh, that’s right. Being needy is a show of weakness and it will get me killed.” Unashamed of my natural eye roll, I placed the assault rifle down and picked up the 9 mil.
Before I got my learners permit to drive a car my father placed a gun in my hand and took me to the gun range. Since then my love for guns has grown to the point, I have a mini collection in the back of my closet. Guns weren’t foreign objects to me. I loved them and the power they held. I loved that they came in such a mass variety and the bullets were able to be customized as well. My love for guns was rooted in my love of my father.
Everything Mitchell Kalmin did I wanted to do the same. I knew all about drugs and guns. After seeing the woman in that meeting who I learned was named Noelani, my fascination grew. I became her secret groupie when my father told me she and I were only three or four years apart.
“Sometimes I wonder about you, Krishna.” That wagging finger about an inch or two from my face was truly irking my nerves.
Frustrated and fed up, I placed the safety on the gun and put it back on the table. “What do y’all want from me? Like seriously? All I ever wanted was for you to do this,” I waved my hand around the open field. “Take me on father and daughter dates. Talk to me without threatening to always beat my ass. Visit me without having a reason to. Do you know how it feels to have another man raise me while knowing that my real father is more than capable, but he chose not to?”
My parents made sure I knew one thing they didn’t like me being in their home. I got it; I compromised my safety. But if I wasn’t safe with them then I wasn’t safe anywhere. At least that’s how I viewed it. Their home had over ten guards with state-of-the-art surveillance. How was I not safe with them but safe out in Cali with only two guards?
Brown eyes softened at the weight of my words. “Baby girl, I can’t risk anything happening to you. I refuse to put you in that position. My past will eventually catch up to me and I don’t want you in the crossfire of that. Since you want to talk so damn bad tell me about them ain’t shit niggas sniffing behind you at school? Are you still a virgin?” Reaching in the cooler he popped open a can of beer and sat on the top.
Did he really ask me the status of my v-card right in the middle of no man’s land?
“Actually, I am still a virgin. I don’t plan on giving it up anytime soon. My hormones aren’t that hard to control. Besides, I refuse to date an athlete, nerds might be a safe bet but even the slyest of them can be a total jerk. All that’s left is the hood dudes from the real hood of LA and I refuse to date a man like you. Sorry, Pops.”
His grin and belly shaking chuckle made me laugh. “Hell, you think I want you dating a man like me?” His eyes widened and then closed. “I’ll have to kill that fool. Stay a virgin until you die.” Sadly, he wasn’t joking.
Lying to his face is something that had become easy. Of course, I’d want to marry a man like him. A man that placed my safety over his desires was worth loving. I knew my father desired to have a real authentic relationship with me but he knew like I knew that if we really started bounding outside of these sporadic shooting dates, it would be hard for him to keep me away.