My heart broke standing in the middle of the parking lot with Beau. Amell had gone inside with those who worked at Edgewater Center for Healing, and the rest got in the SUVs and left. Everyone but Beau, my Beau. Who knew that a stop in Virginia at a liquor store would change the trajectory of who my heart would love next? I surely thought I’d never love another.
Thought I was too broken and hurt. Thought my pain would push anyone away, but not my Beau. Our first Italian meal, we laughed so much. We talked and ate until the restaurant closed. I don’t care what anyone tells me. God gave me Beau because he knew I needed him. How else can you explain him being there in Virginia for a political campaign supporting a friend, stopping at a liquor store, and running into me?
It was destined but unfortunately not meant to be.
In another lifetime, maybe.
“How can you fault me for crying right now?” I stomped my foot all childlike. Tears were wetting up my blouse. Saying goodbye to him hurt.
After our first meal together, he asked if we could have breakfast the following morning. His schedule for the rest of the week would be busy but he wanted us to spend time together in the mornings and end it with dinner. Without hesitation, I agreed. Agreeing to spend a week with Beau while he handled business in Virginia changed my life.
One night without the aid of alcohol I confessed everything like I was repenting of my sins to God. He listened to me. Held me tighter when certain parts became difficult to say out loud. Asked how he could make the pain go away when I was on the verge of having a panic attack. Not once did he judge me or anyone in my life. All he did was give me a solution, and that was to allow him and I to heal together.
We’ve always known that there was an hourglass lingering over our heads.
Included in our agreement came the traveling. Beau traveled constantly for work. Always spending time in DC at the capital or at the White House. Always a supporting face to whomever was trying to run for a new office seat. The reason no one knew about my whereabouts was because of Beau. Traveling with the Attorney General has many perks. Privacy.
I had a dream four months into being with Beau. We were in Connecticut for some rally and while he was out doing whatever he needed to show face for, I was back at the hotel resting. My dream was more like a nightmare. Everything was crystal clear. I dreamed of Amell and JD at the cemetery. It’s like I was there when JD retold the tragic story of his abuse. Instead of listening I kept paying attention to Amell. Hearing his thoughts. Watching the wheels turning in his head. Damn near heard the moment he formed the plan to turn himself in so he could avenge not only JD but Odom.
I woke up drenched in sweat but for the first time my thoughts were clear. I showered, raced down to the lobby, and bought every journal in the gift shop they had with a pack of pens. When Beau came back I started to ask questions. Yes, I could’ve googled the justice system and figured it out on my own, but I had a damn attorney general at my disposal, so I asked everything.
What’s the statute of limitations for crimes committed damn near over ten years ago? How likely is it to request a certain judge? How are the jurors picked?
So many questions and he answered every last one of them.
Cupping my face, rubbing his nose against mine until I giggled in the middle of my tears, Beau kissed me until I had no more words to pout over. “I’m only a call away, Krishna. Please call me if you need anything.” With his lips against mine he caressed my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “No matter the time, call me. Even if you just want to sit in silence, call me.” He kissed me again and again, and I let him. The hairs on the back of my neck and my racing pulse alerted me of Amell’s watchful eyes, but at this moment I didn’t care.
If it wasn’t for Beau there’s no telling when Amell would have gotten out. After weeks of asking questions and researching every person involved in the trial, even asking Beau to pull Odom’s file, I sat on the floor of my hotel with the rain pouring outside. Balcony windows open, lights low. I sat on that floor and dug deep. I thought back to everything my parents taught me. Thought back on everything Amell and David ever taught me.
I prayed for clarity. Prayed for God to tell me that I wasn’t losing my mind. By the time Beau returned later that evening he thought I had lost all my marbles by the mess I made. Papers were tapped everywhere with red yarn connecting people and events.
Amell’s plan, I cracked the fucking code.
His plan had started with getting revenge for JD but it turned into also getting revenge for Odom. The same warden over the prison when he was there was the same warden that signed off on Roosevelt’s early release request to the prison board. Along with the prison’s psychiatrist. The same judge that sentenced Odom and Roosevelt was the same judge Amell had for his case. The same jurors Odom had, Amell had them. The same state lawyers that prosecuted Odom, Amell had them.
Either the people were connected to Odom or Roosevelt.
I dug deeper with the help of David and a few of Beau’s men. The dirt on these people. The evil sick things they did and were still doing. It was his way of having the case overturned and being set free. At the time I waited for him to do what he had to do and get out. Weeks turned into months and months turned into years. During this time Beau and I were getting closer and closer without sex being involved. I started to fall in love. He became my therapy. My sanity. I often wondered what life would be like without my heavy burdens.
“I’m…I’m sorry if I ever hurt you.” Again, he kissed me speechless.
“The last thing you ever did was hurt me, and wipe that frown off your face.” I giggled wrapping my arms around his chest. “Am I wrong for kissing you while he’s probably by a window watching, yes. Hopefully a fire will be lit under his ass and he’ll realize the diamond he has and cherish you. Never taking you for granted ever again.” The love in his eyes. The love in his voice. The love I felt by being held by him.
I’d never, ever forget him.
I fell into a deeper depression when year one passed by. Amell hadn’t done what he needed to do to get out. Then year two started and a switch went off. I became angry at everyone but Beau. Blamed them all for my emotional downfall. I knew it was only a matter of time before Beau became sick and tired of me, though he said that was never possible. He cared for me too much.
My plan began on the two-year anniversary of my miscarriage. The memories of being filled with joy watching my stomach harden. Hissing when my bra became too tight on my sensitive nipples. Running out of Aldi’s because the smell made me vomit. Eating pickles with my ice cream. Rubbing coconut butter and aloe on my stomach to avoid the horror of stretch marks. Suffering from gas and heartburn.
Then one day in the middle of Walmart lazily walking around, I felt dampness in my underwear. Thought it was sweat. By the time I checked out my black joggers were drenched, cramps hit me so hard that I worked up a sweat. In the seat of my car I hollered in agony feeling the small innocent life slip from me.
My anger transformed into something else. It sparked something in me and of course I had the right person by my side to help my crazy plan. I asked Beau to look up Amell’s prison record for any fights or deaths of anyone working at the prison since he’d been there. I got the surprise of my life that he had killed everyone on his list within the first year of him being there.