“I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like outside of Krishna, I’m not good enough. I have to wave a gun and do bodily harm for others to respect me. Managing an illegal business, I never wanted this for my life, but I’m so damn good at it.” Why I chuckled, I don’t know. Nothing I confessed was funny.
“When it comes to my personal life…I feel like a small seed in a room with giants. As the years pass on by and each person, I swear my allegiance to, they die. When Mitch was murdered, when Jeremy confessed to being sexually abused, that smallness turned into depletion.” That’s why I told Krishna I wanted a divorce.
The reason I had offered to set her free.
I felt less of a man.
I felt like she’d never feel safe around me or safe enough to know that I’d protect her and our children. She probably didn’t even feel safe to have children with me.
“Who was the first person to ever tell you that you weren’t good enough?” Andrea kept her voice in one setting: she cared. I appreciated that.
“My mother’s actions when she left and then her resurfacing years later only for money. My father’s change in attitude once my mother left. How could he go from loving me as his son to beating me like a nigga on the streets who owed him money all because his wife showed her true colors? That’s when I started to realize that people love you based on what you can do for them, so I try…I tried to make sure I did everything right so no one would stop loving me.” I had to sit back down after listening to my own admission.
The streets teach you to not show emotion because once you do, niggas will come after you for being weak. They teach you to never make friends and to keep your enemies close. They teach you that crying will get you killed. Revealing that you’re in love will make her a target. Honor, ruthlessness, being a fucking savage, that’s how you stay alive.
“When it came to my mother nothing was ever good enough for her since I can remember. Even before father lost his job. I kept working hard. Excelling continuously. Regardless of how hard I worked and how far I reached academically, she still looked at me like I was scum and unworthy of her love. When it came to my dad, I wanted to be like him. He taught me things a father should teach their sons. Then, overnight, I became everything but a child of God.”
I never got over my mother’s abandonment or my father’s abuse. I learned to suppress and find other methods to deal with my anger. I learned to cope, and part of that coping came with disguising my feelings as being a ruthless man. My aggression, I wore it like a badge of honor.
“Talk to me, Amell. Tell me how you feel after sharing all of that?”
With my eyes on the ceiling and heart in my stomach, I closed my eyes and the first face I saw was…me. The young boy who never had a chance. The young boy who went above and beyond to please. The young boy who grew into a young man who fought to prove his worth in a business full of heartless savages. The young man that grew into a full man that became the living nightmare legend whispered about.
That man, I never wanted to be him.
“I feel useless. Yes, you can tell me that I have a whole family to live for. My nieces and nephews, they have their parents to love them. My brothers have their spouses. Clover and Mitch are somewhere two-stepping in heaven, but me, who do I have?”
“Have you fallen out of love that quickly with Krishna that you forgot that you have her?” Andrea played an unfair game.
“Yesterday proved I no longer have her. I left Krishna. I asked for a divorce because deep down I always knew.” My eyes began to sting. Heart slowed entirely to slow.
“What did you always know?”
“I-I…I’m not good for her. No good enough for our children. She lost our child because of the stress I caused. God is in control over everything, even the small fetus in her womb. He could’ve saved our baby but He didn’t because even God knew I didn’t deserve to be a father.” I finished clawing at my throat struggling to breathe.
“Breathe, Amell. Calm down and take deep breaths.” Andrea sat on the couch seat next to me. “That’s it. Take small, deep breaths.” Talking with Andrea made me feel exposed. Too vulnerable and open.
Jumping up to my feet, I glared down at the woman who thought she had the cure to fix me. “I don’t want to talk about my past. How can you fix me? How can I get my wife back?” Knowing that answers to my questions were beyond her pay grade I walked out the office. Her husband and brother jumped to their feet from the bench they were sitting on outside of her office. Their eyes assessing me. Scanning over my clothes and hands. “Wow,” I chuckled lowly. “I’d never hurt her. If you don’t trust me in the room with her for an hour, then why am I here?” I yelled startling several people that were walking by. I recognized the fear. The judgement. Could smell it from a mile away. Running a hand over my face I sighed. “I’m going back to my room.”
Eleven months. Eleven damn months here with these people who made prison feel like a vacation. Krishna wanted this place to be where we healed and reconnected. I hoped for change. Hoped that they’d be able to help me. Thought this would be the start of something new.
Walking back to my side past the river, a figure dressed in coral made my steps falter. We were too far apart for me to hear anything coming out of her mouth. The smile on her face as she talked to one of the staff members, seeing her dimples and the light I saw vanished before I got locked up returned. My love for her ran deep.
Part of me felt foolish thinking that she’d look frail, dull, and unkept due to my actions. If anything, Krishna glowed with a confidence radiating off her like I never witnessed. I wondered if her happiness came from someone else.
If it came from him.
Krishna
We survived the first month with many bumps and bruises. Andrea had a way of asking the simplest questions that carried the most weight. One-word answers resulted in two-a-day sessions. Refusing to talk at all resulted in half of the morning with her in the garden. Though I enjoyed spending time with the gentle spirited woman, I clearly bit off more than I could chew.
Worst of all, I hadn’t seen Amell. They made sure to keep us separated. There were times when my heart reacted off memory to his presence but then when I searched for him, he wasn’t there.
Thirty days and I know we haven’t covered the real deep issues in my sessions yet. We spoke about my life in California. My relationships. Everything except my parents and the miscarriage. I wanted those to be the first topic of conversation, but I refrained from opening my mouth.
“How are you enjoying your time here?” Andrea always greeted you with the warmest smile. So full of life and energy.
“Um, can’t say that I hate it here. Staff is nice. Love the spa perks and the food. Amazing food,” I chuckled, eyes instantly becoming full with tears.
Andrea’s head tilted a little. “Why the sudden cause of tears? Your spirit must know that the days of us having surface conversation is over. No need to be afraid, Krishna. The first thirty days of us together I wanted to spend time with you. Gain your trust so you’d freely talk to me.”
I got it. I understood the whole process, but damn it was hard to sit here and have to rehash everything. “What are we tackling today?”