“As much as I’m sure we’d be the best of friends I can’t allow that to happen. Getting close to me results in pain and heartache. Your spirit, I refuse to taint that.” First day of counseling and I wanted to hide away without having to face my fears. Taking one look at Andrea I already knew that she was going to show me a mirror to who I really was.
“You’re afraid that I’d be hurt by being your friend. That I’d succumb to some harm like Odom and O’Nesha. Am I right?”
I had to clear my throat and take a deep breath hearing their names. “Yes,” I confessed. “Pretty sure your husband isn’t ready to become a widow.”
A warm red hue covered her cheeks. “I’m rather certain that God isn’t ready to call me home yet. I have so much more to do and deflecting by trying to make it seem like you’re too damaged to be my friend is not nice. I want to be your friend because that pain inside of you. These dark clouds,” she waved her hand in the air.
“I want them gone. I want to help you. I want to help you and Krishna.” Krishna.
My Gazelle.
“Why is it important that Krishna and I live apart while we’re here? Whose idea was it? Hers?” I hadn’t been able to stay still. Signs of nervousness were never my thing. I knew how to handle myself. Knew how to remain copasetic even when placed in the most compromising situations. Even when my father beat me as a kid, I knew to never show any type of emotions. Why now? Why was I unable to sit still without fidgeting with my damn fingers?
Andrea gave me a bright smile. When she made it clear that she would be the one I’d be talking to instead of her brother I wanted to fight against it. Instead, I kept my mouth shut, hoping that these next eleven months flew by.
“Mine actually. You are restless because you miss Krishna and because of what you witnessed yesterday. I’m sure any husband, ex or separated, would feel primal emotions seeing another man kiss their previous spouse. Hence the need for the separation.” She stated more so than opposing a question.
Seeing Krishna smile and be happy with another man broke something in me. I always wanted to be the reason her cheeks dipped into deep dimples. I always wanted to be the reason why her eyes crinkled in the corners from smiling.
I always wanted to be the one who held her hand, caressed her body. I always wanted to be that one for her. Her one and only.
“She cheated on me. Broke our vows.” I stated with such bitterness that I had to pause and remember this wasn’t Krishna I was talking to.
Andrea placed a stack of papers on the table before me. “Per these legal documents both of you have indeed signed the divorce papers but you aren’t legally divorced. A judge hasn’t granted that as of yet.” I sat quiet, unsure of what to say.
“He kissed her. She let him kiss her.” It felt like hot lava on my tongue spewing those words. My chest burned. My mind raced.
“Amell, you have no right to judge or be angry with Krishna for moving on. Had you not told her that you wanted a life without her your feelings might’ve been spared.” Andrea leaned over in her chair with that same smile on her face.
“Describe what Krishna means to you in one word?”
Hmm. Easiest thing I’ve been asked to do in a while. “Redemption.”
“Interesting.” She tapped her pen against her chin. “Redemption means being saved from sin. The act of being saved but it also means the action of regaining or gaining possession of something. Krishna is not an object you can possess nor is she someone who can save you. That act has to be done on your own. Can someone have the capability to bring things to light for us? Absolutely. However, we, as individuals must want to see that change in ourselves first.”
“The question you asked was for me to give you one word that describes what Krishna means to me and I did that. Forgive me for being crass but, Mrs. Carter, regardless of what Merriam-Webster may say, Krishna is and will forever be my redemption. Do I see her as an object that I possess? Yes, but not in the barbaric way most would think. Krishna Gazelle is God’s grace to me in human form. My grace. My saving grace. If you knew the life that I lived, then you’d understand why I’d make such a bold statement. Why I hold her purpose in my life above all things.”
Her and I had a stare off. She was staring into the ugly, dark crevices of my soul and I tried to remember that I was here because I needed help. Seeking a form of counseling always sat at the back of my mind. Prayer worked. I knew that better than anyone. I also knew God gave therapist and psychologist gifts of aiding those who needed additional help.
“Let’s start from the beginning.” She nodded for me to start and I relaxed against the couch and poured out my dark secrets.
Started with my family and what it was like growing up before the abuse. My relationship with my parents and the point of no return that landed me getting hit in the face the first time because I forgot to drain the bath water out the tub after Mother gave Cassian and Atlas a bath. How my mother despised me since a youth because she saw my father every time, she looked me in the eyes. She never genuinely loved him; she loved the lifestyle he gave her.
I shared what her leaving felt like and my first kill. Expressed how I felt at fault for Odom and O’Nesha. How raising JD gave me another chance to right every wrong in my life, though I managed to do right by Cassian and Atlas.
“Can I share with you what I learned about everything you shared?” I nodded for her to continue. “Before I go there let me share a piece of myself with you. I was born with autism. Tested high on the spectrum, able to hold adult conversations and perform tasks as someone considered normal. My mother abandoned my brother and I when I was just a little over a year going on two, I believe. She left us for my father to raise because having an autistic child wasn’t what she pictured for motherhood. Since then she has remarried and had several children. Not once did she reach out to me. I was the initiator.
“I think the only time I felt inadequate was loving my husband. My father showered us with so much love that I never suffered from low self-esteem or questioned my worth because they spoke life into me since birth. We have that in common, parent abandonment. What I want you to understand is that none of what happened to those you love were your fault. You’re only one man, Amell. Good and evil has been in the world since the beginning of time.” Andrea made her point but I’m not sure she understood me enough to get why I felt the way I felt.
The weight of my words were too heavy for me to speak sitting down. I walked over to the window hoping that maybe I’d catch a glimpse of Krishna somewhere. “I never had feelings of inadequacy until Mitch died. Never felt afraid until I watched his wife and daughter fall to their knees as he took his last breath.
Prison represents a cage for whom society has deemed as dangerous animals. Unlawfully people who kill with no remorse. I’m that animal. I killed because it’s the only thing I have that removes a person’s sense of disappointment towards me.”
I turned back around to face Andrea who still wore that welcoming smile. She sat unfazed that she was sharing space with a natural born killer. “I rule with an iron fist to create balance. The men and women under my leadership fear and respect me. I’m sympathetic enough to reason when their grandmother has fallen ill or when bills are overdue and they need help. However, in the same sense, I’m feared because I will slaughter that same woman who fell ill if you ever crossed me.”