“Are you ready to tell me where you’ve been?” My voice was soft, hoping he’d give me a straight answer.
“I thought you’d guess from the look of me.”
“Why are you so angry at me? I’ve been waiting for you to show up for nearly a week. I’ve heard nothing from you? It should be me that’s pissed off.”
Being so close, I saw the stiffening of his body at my words.
“Your mum’s worried about you, too.”
“Great. You run to my mother when we have a problem.” He stood and paced to the other side of the room.
“What’s going on, Maddison? You’ve never been like this before. Sure, you fought with Oliver when we were younger, but you’ve never been so hostile to me.”
“Bring Oliver up, why don’t you. Actually —” He turned around to face me. “I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned him before now,” he fumed.
“We used to be best friends. All of us, and he’s your brother. He might have left, but that doesn’t mean we can’t mention him ever again.”
“He did leave. He left us both like we meant nothing to him.” He slashed the air with his arm, emphasising his point. “Do you know he’s not even tried to get in contact with me? Not once. As far as I’m concerned, he’s not my brother.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just upset.”
“Don’t tell me what to think!” he roared.
“What’s happened to you? There was a time that you’d do anything to protect me. Hell, that’s why my mother had no problem with us moving in together. She knew you’d never let anything happen to me. And now? You’re the one who’s hurting me.”
“Grow up, Grace. We’re not ten years old anymore. This is life. You have to fight for what you want, and sometimes people get hurt.”
“I don’t believe that’s what you think. You were never like that.” I shook my head in disbelief at what I was hearing.
“You just didn’t know what was going on in my head, back then. You used to take away the anger inside of me. It worked. But now winning gives me that same relief, and you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t like what I do. This is me. This is what I’m like, so you better just get used to it.”
“Is winning all you’re interested in? Was that what it was about with me as well? Winning me?”
The allegation hung in the air like the poison it was. Whatever our future, we couldn’t undo the words we’d both said tonight. As I stood there waiting for Maddison to answer, his spiteful and hurtful words were re-writing the love that I thought was indelibly inked onto my heart.
“I love you.” The words grated in my throat as I said them. It was a secret I’d kept for so long, and it was liberating to admit my feelings for Maddison and embrace them after so many years. But they hurt as I said them now. They tore me apart because I knew that no matter how much I loved him, that wouldn’t be enough—not to come back from this.
“I love you. Too fucking much.” He grabbed a shirt from the chair and went for the door. Panic swarmed in my stomach.
“Is that it?”
“Not for me, but I can’t speak for you anymore, Grace. I’ve always been in Oliver’s shadow. Or yours. And finally, this is what I want, and you want to stop me because you don’t like it? No. You can stand by me or not. I’ve fought for you, but I shouldn’t have to fight to keep you.”
Who was this boy that I’d trusted with my love and my happiness? Betrayal cracked my heart in two and spilt doubt and grief into my soul. Maddison had given me all the courage I needed. His confidence had fuelled me, but now, it had stripped me bare and left me lost amid this pain.
We’d broken so easily. A little pressure and we’d fractured apart like the last few years meant nothing.
He looked right at me, locking his gaze with mine. A lifetime of love and memories passed between us at that moment, but they all disappeared as he walked away. I crumbled to the ground, a mess on the floor as the realisation of what had happened sunk in.
I didn’t want to fix this. This wasn’t what I envisioned in my future with Maddison, and I refused to follow in the same path as my mother. The thought of confessing my past came to mind—to give Maddison the reason behind my concern—other than him being involved with underground fighting.
Bob circled around my body, rubbing his back against me. I grabbed his furry little body and pulled him into my lap where he quickly settled and set about purring his approval of the company.
The darkness of the room gave way to the dawn light as it streamed in through the window, signifying the passage of time and a new day. But the new day didn’t lift my spirit or lighten my mood.
As I moved from the spot I’d slumped into, Bob stretched and cried in protest, but my bones ached from lying on the floor all night. The stillness bombarded me, and I knew I couldn’t take it here a moment longer than I had to. Going to my room, I grabbed my bag and stuffed a few clothes into my backpack. The box of letters loomed large in the landscape of my bedroom. With my heart so raw, I hesitated to take them with me, fearing only more pain. But I wanted to know what Oliver had written, and why he’d written to me.
I took them with me, and after securing Bob in his cat carrier, I trekked across the village to my mum’s.
I used my key to open up, knowing that Mum would be at work. The house was eerily silent as I crept in. I released Bob, and he left to explore his old home while I checked out my room. All the furniture was at Maddison’s, so I couldn’t crawl into bed and hide from the world. Instead, I went back downstairs and made myself a drink. My bag, with the limited amount of possessions I’d brought with me, sat on the table as I snuggled into the sofa. The box of letters was right there, poking out of the top, taunting me with what they might say.
I wasn’t sure I was emotionally ready to delve into them after all the heartache with Maddison. But at the same time, the other half of my heart, the half not shattered and crumbling, felt hopeful that they might answer questions that I’d long since buried. The only way to find out was to open them, regardless of how wrong that might be.
I peered inside the box and leafed through the dozen or so envelopes. They were nearly all marked with different stamps from around the world. Oliver never said he’d wanted to travel, or that he was planning to. The letter at the bottom of the box was dated the oldest, so I started looking for answers there.
Dear Grace,
Hi! How have you been? As you might have noticed from the stamps, I’m in China. In fact, I’ve been travelling for a while now. Each place I visit, I say will be the last, but I don’t want to come home yet, at least not until I’m forced to. It’s been an adventure for sure. And I’ll tell you more about it. How’s Uni? You’re in your second year, right? Any thoughts on what’s next?
I never thought I’d like travelling much, but it’s been pretty amazing, getting to see parts of the world I’ve only ever read about. I’ll tell you about it soon.
Say hi to Bob for me.
Oliver
I screwed the paper up and threw it across the room, angry that he’d reached out after so long, yet told me nothing. Nothing.