James Sullivan has a baby daughter, Chelsea Alexandria Sullivan, and she’s beautiful as hell. Avery is fine, still under anesthesia, but she pulled through the operation with no other problems.
Little Chelsea pulls her arms out of the blanket she’s wrapped up in like a burrito and stretches her tiny body, but she’s still concentrating on my face. I’m not a sucker for babies but holding this one in my arms makes my heart melt in flames. Damn, this is one pretty baby!
James comes from behind and claps me on my back, with Wendy on his tail.
“Isn’t she the most amazing thing you ever saw?”
“Look, man, I know you can’t do a lot of things right, but you and Avery really hit the mark with this one. Little Alex is perfect.”
“Zach, you know Avery wants us to call her Chelsea.”
“I know, that’s why I’ll be calling her Alex, Alexa, or Alexandria. Everything that pisses Avery off works for me.”
My friend shakes his head and sighs.
“Give her a break, ok...you know how much Avery cares for her image. This operation will be a big hit for her.”
I look at him and nod, pretending I understand Avery’s attitude from earlier. No normal human being should take that long to decide to do the safe thing for her baby. Of course, he blamed it on the pain, and I know it is not my place to speak so I turn my face back to the baby. She’s still watching me, and I still feel like she’s judging me. There is wisdom in this little girl’s eyes, and she knows what I did. I’m telling you she knows, and she’s not happy with me. Don’t worry, little Alex, Uncle Zach feels like crap already.
“Can I hold her?” Wendy holds her arms out eager to get her dose of baby smell, and I hand over the goods. ” I can’t believe London is not here to say hi to this adorable baby girl. Oh, you are so sweet, I love you so much.”
James crosses his arms at his chest and watches me in a weird way.
“Why is London not here? Wasn’t she in the delivery room with Avery?”
“I don’t know why she left,” I say dryly and that’s the first thing that alerts James that I fucked up. Again.
“When Jess and I were admitting Avery and baby Chelsea to NICU, Tatiana, the brunette nurse she’s friends with, told me that London didn’t feel ok. She told everyone she has a migraine. You don’t know anything about that, Zach?”
Fuck, I know everything about that. I know why she left, and I don’t know if she’s ever coming back. My heart constricts think about how she might feel. Lied to. When we were at the party, I told her not to worry, I told her that we could try to make it better. I gave her the weakest string to hold on to until I was ready to get over my fucking self. I was too damn proud to tell her more and come clean about the whole thing. London is in my fucking blood and I should have told her that before giving myself the chance to screw it up.
“I...”
James stood next to Wendy and both of them leaned back a little, expecting something from me.
“I fucked up, ok. Big time.”
“Oh, my God.” Wendy put her free hand on the baby’s ear. ”Not in front of little Chelsea.”
“She’s one hour old.”
“Zach, what did you do to her, man? You’re really doing a number on the girl.” James sounds mad and I beat myself up once again. This day shouldn’t be stained by my crap actions.
“It doesn’t matter. You need to focus on your daughter, not on my sex life.”
He’s immediately distracted by the baby, luckily. I hope I never have to come clean to my friends about what happened today. If only I could make all this crap go away, but I know I can’t.
For the first time in my life, I don’t see a way out. How can I talk to her? How can I make things right? How do I make London see that the only thing I was doing is exorcising my past so I would be able to give her my future?
Jessica roams through the doors like a Russian tank and interrupts my thoughts. The moment I look at her I know what’s going to come my way.
“Please explain why I just saw one of the Castellani bitches walking on the halls like she owns the place?”
All eyes - baby Alexandria’s included - shift my way. I hoped no one would recognize Isabella since James was with me and neither Jess nor Wendy knew her that well.
“She...Isabella stopped by to talk.” And this is the truth and nothing but the truth, or at least a small part of it.
“What the fuck, man!” Look at small balls James, cursing in front of his daughter. ” What did she want to talk about? And since when do you want to sit and chat with that bitter bitch? Wait, is London mad because of something that happened with Isabella?”
Oh, so many questions. Love ’em.
“Calm the fuck down, Sullivan.” I sigh and shake my head. I don’t think I can sweet talk my way out of this one.
“Isabella came here to talk to me about us. Her relationship with the Italian flopped.
She wanted another chance.”
“You have to be fucking kidding me, man. You actually listened to her bullshit?”
The pain on London’s porcelain face floats back into my mind. The closure I got from talking with Isabella is not worth it, not at the expense of the first woman who made me feel something more than blood pumping through my dick for the first time in years. Only if I could take it back...
“We went to the cardio looker room to discuss what happened between us, and London saw us.”
“You told her about Isabella.”
“No, but...” I pause to swallow the rock that has formed in my throat. “We were staying really close; I think she got the wrong impression.”
All three of them rolled their eyes and made faces. I have never liked group confessions.
Jessica throws her hands up in the air and lets out a puff. I think that out of all of our friends, I have a special talent of getting Jessica to the point where she starts to curse like an old, drunk sailor.
“You can’t fucking consider getting back with the cheap whore who sold her body to the highest bidder. She is a damn blood-sucking bitch. Damn it, Zach, you found a nice girl, you had her in your fucking arms, sucking your dick, and you threw her away because Isabella walked in here and told you so. Are you stupid? Are you that much of a fucking idiot?” Yep, there she is.
“We just talked, and she sat in my lap for a couple of minutes. And there was a kiss...” My skin crawls remembering. I’m not a fucking pussy, I’ve kissed more women this year than some do in a lifetime, but I’ve never felt guilty about it. Today is a totally different story.
“Oh, that’s what everyone was talking about.” Wendy catches my attention.
“Come again?” The fucking gossip around this hospital keeps fucking with me.
“Some interns were talking about it when I came up to prepare the OR for Avery’s c-section. I just assumed they saw you and London making out.”
If only.
“No. And I was not making out with Isabella, she jumped in my arms and took me by surprise. If whoever watched the kissing would have waited two more seconds, theywould have seen me push her off.” By the end of the sentence I realize how pathetic this excuse is.
How can I face London and tell her, ”Oh, babe, we’re good. I kissed another woman but not for long”.