“You do realize now that I was actually really good to you so far. You see, I know you’re a virgin. Kayden was a fool for not using his chance, but I won’t make the same mistake. How about I take your virginity right now?”
He brought his lips to my neck, but there was nothing romantic in the way he kissed me because it was meant to punish me. I felt nauseated, my panic rising along with my pulse.
“Let me go!” I cried out. “Please, Hayden, I’ll do whatever you tell me to do, just please... Let me... Let me go!” I burst into tears, shuddering. My kicks were useless. There was absolutely nothing I could do to get him off me. He was too strong.
He reached the edge of my jacket and slipped his hand inside, tracing my waist over my paper thin shirt. I flinched, feeling like there was no material to separate my skin from his hand. It was difficult to comprehend how such a gentle touch could make me so repulsed.
I gave up fighting and looked up at the darkening sky. The stars had already appeared, and I gazed at them... They were mocking me . They witnessed the downfall of one pitiful girl who had always been a coward but never herself.
I closed my eyes, expecting that atrocious moment to come any second...
I don’t want to live this kind of life anymore. Enough.
A waft of cool air danced over my body, and I snapped my eyes open, finally realizing Hayden wasn’t on me anymore. I sat back up, severely shaking, and found him on his knees several feet away from me. He was watching me silently.
“You really thought I was going to rape you?” I was not able to speak. “I never intended to do it, so stand up and stop crying already.”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even breathe. I can’t believe this.
“There is so much I could do to you tonight, but I won’t. I find more pleasure in watching you squirm, expecting the worst from me. This was just to teach you not to disobey me.”
“Why?” My voice was barely a whisper.
“Why what?”
“Why did you go to such great lengths to bring me here and do this?”
His smile was ferocious. “Because I wanted to stain your memory. From now on, whenever you remember this place, you’ll remember this night. You’ll see only me, not Kayden.”
I looked at him, but I didn’t see him anymore. Redness clouded my vision, and rage destroyed any presence of fear in me. I felt high on fury, and I wanted to kill him. I wanted his blood.
“I hate you!” I screamed at him from the top of my lungs, breathing heavily. “You’re a crazy motherfucker! All these years you’ve been torturing me, destroying my life, playing with me like I’m a rag doll!”
I got up, too restless. “You’re sick, obsessed with me, and living in illusions! I was never in love with Kayden, but I loved him! There is nothing you can do to take that feeling away from me! He was my best friend, and if I could turn back time, I would change everything! You can keep trying, but you can’t ever ruin my memories with Kayden.”
I stomped around, unable to slow my breathing down. It was getting quicker and shallower. He was looking at me like he couldn’t believe my words.
“Why don’t you just kill me already? Finish it! I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have to see you every day for the rest of my life. I would prefer to die, but you don’t care. Everything I’m saying now doesn’t matter because YOU DON’T CARE!”
I screamed, utterly broken, mad, and lost. I hit my head with my fists, hoping for physical pain to numb the inner one—hoping for anything that would end my suffering.
“I hate you!”
I punched my temples.
“I hate this!”
I punched them again.
“I hate myself!”
Two more punches.
“I HATE MYSELF!”
Another punch, and another, and another...
My vision started to blur, pain encompassing me, and I felt like I was going to faint any second...
Finally.
My body swayed and somehow, I ended up in Hayden’s arms. I froze, staring at his chest beneath my cheek, feeling as if I’d entered some strange dream, because only in dreams Hayden would encircle his arms around me and hug me tightly like this.
What was this?
“Shhh. Slow down. Breathe.”
Hayden’s voice sounded tender and completely unknown to me, and my chest constricted at the softness in it. His hands on my back were soothing, making the cold go away, the warmth from his body engulfing me. I could feel his fast heartbeat underneath my cheek, which was even more bewildering.
“Don’t do this to yourself...” He sighed. “Just don’t.”
He held me quietly as my shaking subsided. I couldn’t believe I actually felt calmer with each second I spent in his arms. His thumb rubbed my neck slowly, sending an unusually pleasant shudder down my spine, and in a moment of weakness, I closed my eyes and let myself pretend this was real. I let myself pretend this was not Hayden, and I was not me. We didn’t hate each other...
What the hell? Why are you allowing him to hug you, Sarah?
I opened my eyes, disgusted with myself. How much more was I going to be weak? How much more would I let him walk over me?
Stop being pathetic, Sarah. Stop being weak. You’re the one who allows him to do this, so get a hold of yourself, and stop being a coward for once!
“No!” I shoved him away from me and took several steps back. “Stop touching me! Get away from me!” A surprisingly gentle expression on his face was gone in a second, replaced by sheer anger. “What are you doing now? Stop playing with me!”
“Playing with you?”
“Yes, playing with me. This is all just a game. Why did you hug me now? Another one of your manipulations?”
He opened his mouth to say something but then stopped himself. For a moment, he looked thoroughly confused. His jaw and fists clenched.
“Yes,” he said slowly, as if carefully choosing his words. “This is all just a game.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“You were supposed to get used to it already. After three years, I thought you knew me better. I live so I can watch you suffer. You’re my fuel. Your suffering is what keeps me breathing.”
His words sounded almost like a confession. A morbid and distorted confession.
“And I don’t want you dead. You won’t get rid of me that easily.”
He was horrible. I still couldn’t understand how one human being could say such hurtful things to another. It was worse than anything. It was cutting the person unfathomably deep with no chance of healing. They kept bleeding for the rest of their life.
“You’re a despicable human being, Hayden. You’re a monster .”
His eyes flashed with something indescribable for the briefest of moments. “See if I care. I’m giving you one last chance. End your friendship with Jessica and there won’t be any consequences.”
“No.”
“No? Fine. Your decision led you to this.” He walked over to his motorcycle.
“Led me to what?” I couldn’t prevent fright from showing in my voice.
He picked up his helmet from the ground and put it on, ignoring me.
“Led me to what, Hayden?!”
He sat on his bike and turned his head to look at me. “You’ll have to find your own way home.”