My chest tightened at his words, excitement impeding my breathing. This sounded too good to be true. I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to get disappointed the next time Hayden hurt me. I wanted to believe in Kayden’s words, but I was too afraid.
“That sounds nice, but you’re forgetting one thing.” I smiled, trying to turn this situation into a joke. “I might not want him then because after everything he’s done, I should strangle him, not kiss him.”
Kayden bit into his lip, looking insecure. “How about you kiss me?”
I tipped my chin down. “ What? ”
He sat next to me on the ground, coming so close that our bodies were almost touching. “You can kiss me and pretend I’m Hayden.”
I just stared at him for several seconds, not sure if I’d heard him correctly. “Are you serious?”
He placed his warm hand on my cheek, offering me a tight-lipped smile. My heart began pumping tremendously fast. “I’ll do it for you, if you want it.”
I was barely breathing as I gaped at him, debating with myself whether I should accept his offer or not. It was too tempting. I’d never been kissed, and here was my best friend, offering it to me with no strings attached.
He wasn’t Hayden, but he had a point. They did look the same, and I could pretend for a moment that in front of me was Hayden, giving me my first kiss—
Kay’s soft lips landed on mine, not giving me the opportunity to answer, and I instinctively closed my eyes. The loud pounding in my ears made me deaf to everything else. He licked my lips slowly, parting them open, and he slid his tongue over mine. Hayden appeared before my eyes, and I got lost in the tingling sensation that was taking over me. I moaned and hugged him, losing myself in our kiss and forgetting about reality.
Hayden... All I saw was Hayden. All I felt was this warm feeling that was crushing me... It was spreading everywhere, painfully squeezing my heart in exhilaration and making me euphoric. This was all I ever wanted.
He moaned and my eyes flew open. Hayden’s image in my mind dissipated immediately, and I saw this kiss for what it really was—a twisted illusion.
No, this is so wrong.
I pushed Kayden away and stood up, noticing hurt on his face. A heavy weight settled inside of me, crushing me more with each passing second. This was so wrong.
I was such a horrible person.
“Oh, Kay... I’m so sorry.” I felt something wet on my cheeks, and I realized I’d started crying. Just great.
He got to his feet and frowned. “Please, don’t cry. Was the kiss that bad?”
“Of course not, Kay. Your kiss was perfect. Too perfect.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I was supposed to be excited about my first kiss, but I couldn’t when this kiss wasn’t what it should’ve been.
“It wasn’t okay for me to use you like this. I feel so dirty... Imagining Hayden when you, my best friend, are kissing me is a complete mistake. And you’re with Natalie... No. This is wrong on so many levels. This kiss shouldn’t have happened.”
He glanced away, frowning. “I know. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.”
“Then why did you kiss me? Out of pity?”
“No, not out of pity.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I... I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
“What do you mean?”
He licked his lips, still avoiding my gaze. I was surprised to see redness spreading across his features because he almost never blushed.
“Kay?”
He let out a long sigh. “These last few months... I feel different.” He met my gaze. “I feel different toward you.”
My throat turned dry. Now he looked really hurt, and I was actually scared of what he might say next. “Different? But... But what about Natalie?”
He let his breath out through his clenched teeth. “I love Natalie. I really do. But then I feel this when I’m with you and I don’t know what to do.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t, fear stealing the air out of my lungs.
“I know you like Hayden. I know you see me only as a friend, and I didn’t want to mention this...”
He smiled, but it depicted only his sadness. “But I like you, Sarah. And I’m afraid I can’t fight it off.”
Chapter 15
PRESENT
Hayden had always been a good manipulator. He was a master of his own mental game, evoking my fear and feeding on it. He’d always played the right moves, which were inducing my insecurity and terror, without even inflicting the physical pain.
He’d left me alone in that forest during the night with no means of coming back home, and it was another step too far. Too many steps too far. How could one human do such things without even caring about the consequences?
I’d been terrified when I couldn’t hear the sound of Hayden’s bike anymore, left high and dry in the middle of an eerie silence. The sky had become almost completely dark, making walking a hard row to hoe without a flashlight. Since there was no light or the presence of other people, I felt like I was being watched, which gave me the creeps, and I couldn’t fight off that feeling.
Luckily enough, I’d had internet signal, so I did my best not to freak out, focusing on getting out of that forest using an online map. I’d taken an Uber ride to get back home, refusing to think about the dent that the Uber’s fee put in my college fund.
To my immense relief, Hayden didn’t show up for today’s classes, so I didn’t have to worry about seeing him after the last night’s fiasco. I had a hard time coming to terms with it, pushing the memory aside because I was afraid I might fall apart if I reminisced about it any longer. I didn’t want to remember the way he played with my mind and emotions by deceiving me with his false attempt of rape. It was downright ugly.
What did he want from me?
My phone beeped, pulling me out my gloomy thoughts, notifying me of Melissa’s new message.
“Do you have Snapchat?”
I rolled my eyes. She was persistent. She’d started texting me about an hour ago and had been sending me texts ever since.
I’d been putting the finishing touches to my latest drawing when she sent me the first message.
“HEY! It is I, the Pesterer.”
Really? Who used the word “pesterer” these days? Did this word even exist in the dictionary?
“Do you remember me?”
“Hey, I know you’re rolling your eyes now. DON’T. You’ll go blind.”
She’d continued spamming me with her texts, making me more and more anxious. I’d been thinking so carefully about my answer as if I was trying to write a scientific research paper about the black holes, which produced a rather pitiful message.
“Hello! How are you?”
This situation was worthy of not one but two facepalms. Kudos to the antisocial me.
“I’m terrible and heartbroken.”
I frowned. What happened?
“Why? What happened?”
“You didn’t text me for 2 whole days!”
I could almost hear her whining voice. I’d breathed out, embarrassed for missing her joke in the first place. My inexperience led to awkward social interactions.
“So I waited patiently for you to come to your senses and admit that you miss me.”