To my utter disbelief, he started his bike and drove away. Just like that.
Chapter 14
TWO YEARS AGO
Recently, Kayden and I started visiting the Nepaug State Forest, which was now our new favorite place. Each time I came here, I felt like a completely different person, truly lucky to be able to witness the true beauty and peace of this world. My dark past seemed insignificant in the moments I spent surrounded by stunning landscape. It seemed like it belonged to someone else.
Since Kay was obsessed with the sky, we had our special spot, which was a clearing located on a small hill deep in the forest, encircled with tall, dense trees of various sizes and kinds. The area provided a great view of the star-heavy sky, so we liked spending time lying on its ground and stargazing as the susurration of leaves created a calming melody in the background.
We arrived to the woods this Saturday morning so we could have a whole day for hiking and taking photos of the spots we hadn’t visited before. By the time we reached the clearing, I was fried and ready to close my eyes and rest, but Kayden had another plans.
The evenings were chilly in the middle of June—especially inside the forest—so Kayden built a fire while I watched him. I admired his good technique, finding it too complicated for me to even try.
“You’re a man of so many talents.”
He chuckled. “I have to be when I have such a lazy friend.”
“Hey! I’m not lazy. I’m just wisely avoiding the tough work.”
“Yeah, right. You’re always a slacker.”
“I don’t slack off when it comes to studying.”
“I have better grades than you, so you do slack off.”
“You have better grades than everyone . It’s like you’re some prodigy.”
“Well, sweetheart, NASA won’t accept me only because I’m pretty. I also must work hard.”
I snorted. “Such overconfidence. Who told you that you’re pretty?”
“The armies of chicks!” I burst into laughter, amused by his enthusiasm. “They did! Even you think I’m pretty.”
I grinned from ear to ear. “And how would you know that?”
“Well, you’re head-over-heels for Hayds, and Hayds and I look the same. So, basically, you like my face too.”
I glanced sideways, the smile on my face eliminated and replaced with a frown. Whenever we touched upon this topic, my cheeks turned red, showing my absolute embarrassment and reluctance to approach it. I always wanted to avoid talking about Hayden, but he kept pushing me to talk about him for whatever reason.
I was ashamed to admit my infatuation with Hayden. Seriously, how could I even begin to explain what I liked about the boy who did nothing but torture me?
My feelings were based on a presumption that beneath all those black layers, Hayden had a pure heart. They began the day I witnessed his unexpected act of kindness and friendship toward Blake, who was going through some rough patches back then, which showed me a version of Hayden that was a far cry from the version I was seeing every day. It was a contrast like none other, sparking off the emotions and curiosity that remained in me ever since.
I clearly remembered the second time I entered Hayden’s room and noticed so many things scattered around, none of them telling me who he really was. One impression remained, though—he was suffering. There was something that troubled him so much, and it seemed like he couldn’t find a solution. It felt like he was held captive by his demons.
There were some lines written in red, hung on the wall:
“Feeling dead inside, breaking to pieces, but you don’t mind.
Forever lost, I turn to light, only to see it’s useless to fight.
I scream, suffer, and bleed inside; every single day is a tough ride.
I love you today, but tomorrow hate will prevail.
It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know
What is like to be so high and then fall so low.”
I read them several times, trying to figure out the meaning.
“Hayds wrote them,” Kay told me that day.
“What do they mean?”
He shrugged. “He never actually wanted to tell me.”
“Weren’t you supposed to share everything with each other as twins?”
“Contrary to popular belief, twins don’t always know everything about each other. And you know we don’t have a good relationship. Hayds doesn’t let anyone break the walls he built around himself, despite being lost inside of them.”
“Why is he lost?”
“I don’t know. I tried to understand, but I’m not like him. I wish I could help him, but only he can help himself.”
He was crippled inside, that much I could understand.
He was suffering so the reason he hated the whole world could be because he didn’t know how to deal with his inner demons. If there could only be a way for him to snap out of whatever was holding him, he could be free. If we could both remove the shackles of darkness that were keeping us in the abyss, we could be who we truly were.
As I said, this was my presumption, and my reasoning wasn’t convincing at all whenever Hayden bullied me. In those moments, nothing justified him being terribly mean.
Was I a masochist or maybe delusional thinking he would change? Did I actually think I would be in that “a problematic boy changed himself because of me” kind of situation? This was such a stupid way of thinking that it repulsed me.
“Hey.” I was brought back to present when Kay touched my cheek and made me look at him. There was sorrow in his eyes I couldn’t quite comprehend. “Don’t be ashamed of your feelings for Hayds in front of me.”
“You probably think I’m stupid for being infatuated with him and hoping he would change?”
“I never thought that. And I hope for Hayds to change one day too. No, not hope. I believe he’ll change. Also, I really believe Hayden will come around when it comes to you. He won’t treat you with contempt forever.”
“Why do you think so?”
Kay looked into the distance, his eyes glazing as he ruminated on something. “Hayden was always so sensitive. You say one wrong thing and you become his enemy. It was always hard being around him, and only one wrong thing could trigger a whole bunch of ugly emotions in him. He would transform from a good person to an evil person, one moment treating you like an angel and the next treating you like you’re the worst. That is why he and I could never have a good relationship.”
“Do you know why he is like that?”
“I’m not entirely sure. Mom thinks he’s like that because of our dad’s suicide.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. It seems it left a mark on him.”
“How about you?”
“Honestly? I don’t remember him at all. His death didn’t leave such a big hole in me as it did in Hayden.” I pursed my lips, dismayed by their difficult family situation.
“The point is that whenever one person becomes his enemy, they’re on Hayden’s black list for good. However, he keeps coming back only to those he truly, deeply cares about, despite everything.”
“I don’t understand what you want to say.”
“I want to say that he can’t actually push you away, Sari. In spite of what he says or how he acts, he’s still keeping you close to him. He tries to push you away, but deep down, he needs you.”