“It’s not just a small scrap. Okay, your wound will heal, but what about Hayden? This time he went too far. He attacked you!”
“He didn’t quite attack me—”
“Don’t defend him, Kay! You always defend him! Nothing justifies such anger.”
Hayden’s violent outburst started unexpectedly, just like always. Mrs. Carmen wanted me to stay for dinner and asked Hayden to eat with us. When he saw Kayden and me together, he grimaced and refused, calling me ugly names. Mrs. Carmen scolded him, and he started shouting at us. Kayden pleaded him to calm down, but it only became worse.
He began throwing plates and utensils against the wall, smashing them violently. The shards flew all around the kitchen, and it was a disturbing sight. Kayden tried to restrain Hayden, but Hayden was stronger, resisting Kayden and pushing him against the wall. The force of the shove made Kayden lose his balance and fall directly on the broken pieces spread on the floor.
It was in that moment that Hayden finally stopped. He was breathing heavily, watching Kayden with regret. Our eyes met, and I thought he was going to lose it again, but he just turned on his heel and left.
“You don’t understand Hayds—”
“And you do?”
“Maybe not, but he is suffering. I can understand that much.”
“Suffering from what?”
“I don’t know, Sari.”
“It’s like he is not human. It’s terrible.”
“Believe me, he’s more human than you think. He’s actually feeling everything much stronger than other people.”
“I can’t understand him.”
Kayden’s expression was sad as he studied my face. “I know. He’s not easy to read, but I believe that deep down he doesn’t want to hurt anyone because he enjoys it, but because that’s his defense mechanism.”
“Well, that’s a hell of a mechanism... Torturing others to the point of risking their lives.”
“I think he isn’t actually aware of the consequences of his behavior in that moment. The anger consumes him and he isn’t able to think straight anymore... But, let me tell you this; Hayden rarely gives his heart to anyone, but when he does, that’s forever.”
He smiled mysteriously.
“What?” I asked him.
“He’ll come around. Besides, he’s jealous right now because I’m friends with you.”
“Jealous? Why?”
I didn’t get to hear his answer because my alarm woke me up. I jolted in my bed, clinging to that dream. It wasn’t actually a dream. It was a memory of the conversation I had with Kayden a few months before he kissed me.
Even then I didn’t hear his answer, because he changed the topic, as usual. I never understood their complicated relationship, and I feared I had a bad influence on it. I didn’t want them to argue because of me, so I never told Kay how much Hayden actually hated me. He wasn’t aware of how bad Hayden treated me, which could be why he thought Hayden wasn’t much of an enemy to me.
I wanted to erase the previous day, especially the kiss. I couldn’t even describe how mortified I felt because I’d made such a stupid mistake. It was one thing for him to kiss me, but for me to return his kiss? Ugh.
Wasn’t everything he did to you before more than enough, Sarah? Are you brainless? You hate him. Usually, people don’t kiss the person they hate.
Exactly; people didn’t return a kiss of those they hated, and the same went for initiating it. So why did he kiss me?
To humiliate me? Check.
To make me more miserable? Check.
To confuse me? Check.
I didn’t even want to think about when we saw each other again. He would probably tell the whole school about the kiss...
Oh no. He would tell the whole school...
My stomach was a mess as I dressed, and no deep breathing could calm down my erratic pulse. I didn’t want to go to school. They would eat me alive there...
Calm down, Sarah. Maybe he won’t tell them...
Who was I kidding?! Why wouldn’t he tell? It was his latest and probably greatest victory! I didn’t know if he was aware I’d liked him before, but now he would think that for sure. He would use that to toy with me!
No, enough . I always created these horrible scenarios in my head that may or may not happen, but if I continued like this, I would be late for school.
I brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back into a ponytail, and went down to grab some food. I wasn’t hungry, but I couldn’t let my anxiety over Hayden’s potential future humiliation prevent me from eating. Mom sat at the table, munching a chocolate croissant and drinking her coffee. She offered me a close-mouthed smile.
“Hey,” she told me.
“Hey.”
As expected, she acted like nothing happened two nights ago. I was sure she didn’t remember most of it.
“Are you going to visit Kayden’s grave today? It’s his death anniversary.”
“His death anniversary was yesterday, mom.”
“I see.” I poured the milk into a glass and sipped it while eating the muffins left from yesterday. “How was it?”
I certainly didn’t plan to tell her the truth. “Okay.”
“Are you okay?”
She wasn’t actually concerned about me. It was more like an automatic question. I turned around to look at her, but she wasn’t even looking at me, focusing on some article she was reading in the newspaper. I wondered why she’d bothered to ask at all.
“I’m perfect. I’m off now.”
“Have fun in school.”
I couldn’t prevent a sad smile from forming on my face. “Like always.”
I took my backpack, more than ready to escape the sad reality of my own home. What made my life tragic was the fact that the moment I closed the door of my house, I stepped into another sad reality. I couldn’t actually escape. Everywhere I went, I was imprisoned.
I made several steps down my driveway, double-checking if Hayden was outside. I exhaled a heavy breath when I didn’t notice his car, which meant he’d already left. Good. I turned to my car, preparing my keys to unlock the door, and froze when I caught a frightening sight.
No. I couldn’t believe this. My front tires were slashed.
Chapter 17
TWO YEARS AGO
Going to Kay’s funeral was one of the hardest things I’d done in my entire life. It took me all the courage I had to stand in front of all these people knowing I was the one who had caused this. I’d spent the whole last night crying, and my mother had barely managed to make me come out of my room this morning.
Wherever I looked, I saw doleful faces, all of them dressed in black and standing in silence as we said our last goodbye to Kayden. Mrs. Black stood in the center, right across the patch of ground where Kay’s resting place would be. She looked small and fragile, her silent tears pushing me further into desolation and shame. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes.
She hadn’t said even one bad word to me, and that hurt me the most. Instead of blaming me or yelling at me, she just hugged me that fateful night and told me it wasn’t my fault. Just that. It wasn’t my fault.
I broke down in tears in that moment, terribly ashamed to be in front of her, and she followed. We cried together for a long time, hugging each other and reminiscing about Kayden.