“ You left a crushing emptiness, you left an immense hole.”
“I miss you, Kay. Thank you for giving my life some sense. You made me happy. I hope I made you happy too. Thank you for everything.”
I finally stood up, but my wobbly legs disrupted my balance. Sensing someone behind me, I swiveled around.
A pale Hayden stood several feet away from me, watching me intensely. His eyes were red, like he’d been crying. I screamed and stumbled, barely catching myself before I fell. Had he heard my whole confession?
“I told you not to come here.”
“He was my best friend. I need to be here because this is the closest I can get to him.”
“You’re responsible for his death. You’re responsible for this.” He tapped his scar.
I shuddered. Even though I blamed myself all the time, I always felt horrible when I heard this from him.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I want—”
“It doesn’t fucking matter what you want,” he interrupted me and closed the distance between us.
It was clear that he was drunk, and I was chilled to the marrow because he could become even more unpredictable when he was in this state. I wanted to bolt right this second, but my legs were glued to the ground, not allowing my much-needed escape.
“You don’t deserve anything. Nothing .”
“Hayden, you’ve caused me enough pain. Stop this. Don’t do this in front of Kay’s grave. He wouldn’t want it.”
“Kay, Kay, Kay, Kay... It was always about what Kayden wanted!” he erupted, fuming in anger, and there was nothing I could do or say but stare at him. “Everybody always cared about him! He was the golden child! Everyone rooted for him and hoped he would achieve his dreams! Nobody ever paid attention to the black sheep!”
He stepped even closer. I couldn’t breathe.
“I don’t even know what my dreams are! Nobody ever helped me find them! Even you! You immediately ran over to Kayden and stuck to him. You were always by his side. Fuck, you even made him love you!”
A tear rolled over my cheek and fell. I couldn’t move.
“I hated seeing you two together. Each time I wanted to rip Kayden’s and your throats out.”
“Don’t say these things, Hayden. You don’t mean this.”
He grabbed my upper arms, yanking me against his body. I tried to move away from him, but he didn’t let me.
“You don’t fucking know me, Sarah! You never did! So stop telling me I don’t mean it. I mean every single word! I hate you. I hate Kayden!”
“He was your brother! He saved your life!” I screamed from the top of my lungs, my voice piercing through the silent evening.
“He didn’t care what I wanted!” His shout was even louder, forcing me to flinch violently.
“What do you want?!”
We stared at each other, frozen in time and place as the world turned silent.
Thump, thump, thump...
Our heartbeats became faster, working in unison.
“I don’t know...”
Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump...
His furious expression cracked. I basked in every line of his face, memorizing the feelings I saw—sadness, regret, and want .
“I never knew... And when I see you... Everything is hot and cold. Light and dark... You confuse me even more.”
I became bound to him by an invisible chain. Our breaths mixed and became one as he lowered his head and our lips almost touched.
“You have no idea how I feel,” he whispered.
Don’t go there, Sarah... Don’t get involved...
“How do you feel?”
His eyes didn’t leave mine, not even for a second.
“I feel like I’m thrown off a roller coaster. In one moment, it’s maddeningly fun. I feel so high. In the next moment, I fall into an abyss, and I feel terrified. I’m lost. I can’t breathe. I want to find a safe place... And then, there’s you.”
His breath on my lips tickled me. I felt tingles all over my body. He was so close...
“Me?”
“You crush me, so I want to crush you. You’re so weak, and you terrify me. You don’t know what love is, and I hate you.”
And just like that, his lips were on mine. In a never-ending moment, he was pressing me against him, savoring me. I started resisting, trying to push him away, but he didn’t move an inch. I opened my mouth to protest, but my voice came out muffled. Parting my lips was a mistake, since he immediately thrust his tongue inside. Our tongues met, and a hot pressure settled in my chest, spreading through my every single nerve. Hayden’s taste was mixed with the flavor of cigarettes and beer, but this combination wasn’t unpleasant.
Daze filled my mind, and warmth enveloped my whole body. His kiss deepened and became unrestrained, taking more of me. Despite everything, I felt feverish and thrilled. There were so many butterflies in my stomach now, and I let myself drown in them.
I stopped resisting, not thinking anymore. His hand grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked, tilting my head backward, which exposed my neck. He broke the kiss as he wrapped his other arm around my waist, keeping me flush against his body, and continued leaving hungry, wet kisses along my jaw to the sensitive hollow of my neck. These unknown, rousing sensations were too much...
Unintentionally, I let out a low moan. I flinched and opened my eyes in terror, feeling like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water on me. This was a serious mistake.
“No!” I pushed against him, and this time he let me go.
I gaped at him in horror, incapable of speaking, noticing the confusion on his face before the punishing smirk appeared. His eyes were mocking me now, and I felt disgusted with myself. I returned his kiss...
If only I could die now.
“Congratulations. You actually made an even bigger fool of yourself.” He started chuckling, but it sounded so empty.
I wiped the tears off my face, refusing to cry in front of him, but they kept rolling down my cheeks. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I be such an idiot?
“Why?” My voice came out as a broken whisper.
“I wanted to stain another memory of Kayden. Now, his grave will remind you of your first kiss and me, who was stealing it from you.”
It didn’t matter that he got that “first kiss” thing wrong, because he was right when he said I would always remember it when I came here. No matter how corrupt it was, his kiss was affecting me like cancer, spreading through me extremely fast, and I couldn’t control it. I hated him, yet the kiss didn’t terrify me. It didn’t make me feel anything negative, because it was surprisingly good. It was like I’d completely lost my brain, and with it, all my bad memories.
“You know what the funniest thing is?” he asked. “You actually enjoyed it.”
His smile of satisfaction didn’t last long. It fell, his gaze filling with nothingness, and it was scary. There was something about him—a glimpse of a broken soul—which chilled me to the bone. I had to get out of here.
My legs started moving before I was aware of it, running away from him.
Running away from myself.
“H EY. DON’T CRY,” KAY told me, holding my hand. “It’s just a small scrape.” I couldn’t believe he was comforting me when he was the one who had gotten injured. Pull yourself together, Sarah.