I glanced at Hayden, who stood motionlessly next to her with his stare fixed on the ground. He was dressed in a black suit and wore a bandage on his left temple, which covered an injury that was certainly going to leave a scar. My stomach turned at the thought. His dull eyes were red, but I didn’t see him shed a tear after Kayden died.
Since that night, for the first time ever, he didn’t speak to me at all. Completely ignoring me these last few days, he looked like a tormented soul that was lost in its own world.
There was more to their relationship than what they showed to the world. They weren’t the best example of brotherly love, but no matter how different they were or how much they argued, I’d always known that deep down they loved each other.
Then I came into their lives and everything crashed down.
My whole life shattered the night I made such a stupid mistake. Carmen claimed that it wasn’t my fault, and if that driver hadn’t been driving too fast, nothing would’ve happened.
“He was the one who chose to save his brother. Nobody forced him to make that sacrifice.”
Her words reverberated in my mind, bringing more pain because she couldn’t be more wrong. He was forced to make that sacrifice, because Hayden was his brother. How could he not save him?
I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be alone, so I could drown in my misery. I wanted to lock myself somewhere far away and stay there until I died a slow, painful death.
There was nothing more that I deserved now than death .
I tried not to pay attention to my classmates. There were some of them I didn’t recognize, but it was obvious that they all knew exactly who I was, their accusing stares boring into me wherever I went. Christine and Natalie made sure to spread the news of the accident around the whole school, emphasizing the fact that it was my fault Kayden had died.
I felt betrayed because Christine had called me a murderer and slapped me, her attitude toward me making a U-turn after the accident, which marked the end of a friendship that had never even existed. I should’ve known better.
I looked at Natalie, who stood between Hayden and Josh. She was sobbing, her mascara running down her ashen face. Josh supported her frail frame with his arm around her waist, staring at her with tenderness I’d never seen before.
As if he sensed me looking, he glanced at me, and his eyes lost all warmth, conveying only hatred. Next to them stood Blake, Masen, and Christine, who all looked equally angry at me.
I couldn’t stand looking at them and all these pale faces. It was twisted. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It would’ve been better if I died. Nobody would care about me.
My heart squeezed with pain at this thought.
Nobody would come to my funeral...
My heart squeezed again.
Why did I have to be so stupid and make such a mistake?
My heart hurt so much now that it became difficult to breathe.
No. Calm down, Sarah. You’ll not break now. Save that breakdown for later, when there is no one to witness your downfall.
Just a little bit more. They would bury him soon, and I would be able to leave and drown in hurt.
The loud crying intensified when they finally started lowering his casket into the ground. People threw a handful of dirt on his coffin, each taking their time to say their final farewell to him. I moved to the side because I didn’t want to do something so personal in front of everyone.
My mother nudged me, and I looked at her, hoping she wasn’t asking me to go throw the dirt. She inclined her head toward Kay’s coffin, signaling that it was our turn to go pay him that respect. I couldn’t argue with her and tell her I hadn’t planned on doing it, because I didn’t want to cause a scene. She was already hammered because she’d taken her time with her favorite bourbon before the funeral, and she could easily become aggressive and create a scene if I dared to oppose her.
My legs felt so numb, like they weren’t mine, as I stood above his coffin. I bent to take some dirt into my hand, sensing everyone watching me. My face burned as I tried to ignore the anxiety under everyone’s scrutiny. I felt like a fake. All my classmates glowered at me, and here I was, throwing the dirt for my best friend who was never supposed to die. All of this was my fault, and if I could go back in time, I would’ve never crossed that street so carelessly.
In a moment of despair, I looked at Hayden and found him staring right at me. The intensity of the feelings in his eyes twisted everything in me, and our regret, sorrow, and darkness mixed together.
I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to blame him for not avoiding that car. I wanted to hurt him, to scream at him, anything , but I knew that everything felt easier than facing the truth—one negligent moment was more than enough to change everyone’s lives forever.
What if the driver weren’t driving so fast? What if I weren’t looking at my phone? What if Hayden or I avoided it? What if Kayden didn’t receive a fatal blow to his head? What if, what if, what if. So many questions swirled in my mind, torturing me endlessly.
I threw the dirt onto the coffin, not even daring to look at it in fear of losing it in front of all these people, and stepped aside, counting the minutes until I could finally escape.
I HADN’T INTENDED TO go to Kay’s repast in their house, but I couldn’t refuse Carmen when she begged me to be there. Hayden, who was standing next to her, tensed when I accepted her invitation, and I didn’t even want to think about what he could do to me afterward. I expected him to make a scene right there, in the cemetery, but he said nothing, stomping away.
Attending Kay’s repast with my drunk mother put me in a tight spot. She guzzled two glasses of wine as soon as we arrived, and I couldn’t do anything to stop her. The longer we were here, the more improperly she acted, speaking too loudly and pestering people she’d never even seen before with her sad stories from the past. She was always doing this. Whenever something sad happened, she used it as an opportunity to get attention and complain about her own miserable life, acting as if everything revolved around her.
I couldn’t stand her pitiful wails and babbling anymore, so I stood up, ignoring everyone’s stares.
I didn’t see Hayden or any of our classmates here, which was a relief since I didn’t want to face any of them. I walked out of the living room, pretending I was going to the bathroom, and took the stairs instead.
I entered Kayden’s room and closed the door behind me, enjoying the silence after so many distressed murmurs and sobs I’d had to listen to the whole morning.
Every piece of furniture my glance fell upon created a new surge of pain inside of me. I could still sense his smell. It was a vanilla mixed with lavender, and it increased my longing. I sat on his bed and closed my eyes.
Three months ago Kayden confessed to me. After giving me my first kiss, which was a big delusion I wanted to drown in as I shamelessly used him, he admitted he was falling for me. Now, more than ever, I felt guilty for using him that way and acting like he wasn’t serious when he confessed to me.
I didn’t stop even for a second to consider how he felt, scared and unprepared for his feelings, for how was I supposed to feel when I always considered him just a friend? I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. And on top of that, he was with Natalie.
So I turned it into a joke, saying he was out of his mind, and switched the topic. I’d never seen Kayden so down as he was during the rest of that evening, but I pretended I didn’t notice his hurt and behaved like nothing had happened.