I blushed, looking away. “I don’t know. I’m completely surprised to hear this.”
“He was terrified that you were going to die...” Her gaze lingered on her clenched hands on her lap. She raised her head and offered me a tiny smile. “I want to thank you for the day when you helped me with the furniture.”
Why was she mentioning it now? “You don’t have to thank me again. That was nothing—“
“No, you don’t understand. I want to thank you for what you said to me in the kitchen. You reminded me that Hayden needed me despite everything, just like every other child needs their mother, no matter what they do or what they are like. I never did anything to improve our relationship and be there for him, and honestly, I already gave up...”
Regret clouded her features. “When I saw him strangle you...” Her eyes flickered away in shame. “That was a wake-up call for me. I realized the extent of my neglect and how terribly wrong I was. Hayden became the way he is because I didn’t try to help him. What’s worse is that I suspected why he is the way he is, yet I didn’t move a single finger to do something about his serious condition.”
My mouth went dry, my heart pounding fast against my chest. “Condition?”
She looked at me again. I was actually afraid of what might come out of her mouth next. “I sat down and had a long talk with Hayden. It was difficult for both of us, especially for him, but after Kayden’s death anniversary two weeks ago, it seems like something changed in him. He finally understood he has serious issues and can’t solve them on his own. He wanted to try to get better. He allowed me to help him, so we went together to see a psychiatrist and do a medical examination.”
Her words made my hair stand on end. “I-Is he okay?”
Her face gave me the answer I already knew. He was far from okay. “He has BPD.”
“BPD?”
“Borderline personality disorder.”
“I’ve never heard of it.”
“It is a serious mental disorder. People who have it are unable to manage emotions as we do.” She sighed. “I’ll try to explain it to you as simply as possible. In a nutshell, borderline personality disorder is marked by high emotional sensitivity, poor self image and self-esteem, and intense mood swings or displays of emotions.
“People with BPD have constant feelings of emptiness and a big fear of abandonment, and they need a lot of reassurance that things are going to be okay. They can also have a strong need for attention or start huge fights over something insignificant. Then there is splitting—seeing the world in black and white.”
I tried to comprehend all at once, connecting these facts with my image of Hayden. “Black and white?”
“Yes. It’s like considering someone good or evil with nothing in between.”
“I don’t understand what that means,” I said, exasperated.
“Honey, it means there are no shades in between. Everything is either good or bad. So no matter how good a person actually is, if they do something negative—or maybe they didn’t do anything negative, but a person with BPD perceives it as such—they can split and label that person as bad.”
I remembered the moment I met Hayden. I fell down and dropped the box, and he reacted in a negative way, acting as if I’d done something bad. Maybe he labeled me as bad since that very moment. Maybe that was the reason for his hatred from day one. Then Kayden lost his life to save him because of me. I could only imagine the extent of his hate toward me in that moment.
“That is why one moment they can idolize you and consider you the best person in the world, but the next, if something goes wrong, comes devaluation,” Mrs. Black added.
“How is that possible? I mean, people make mistakes, and that doesn’t mean they want to harm us.”
As soon as I said this, I realized how hypocritical I was. The truth was that I felt the same as Hayden about people. Most of the times, I saw the world in black and white. After almost ten years of school bullying and betrayals—especially from those I’d considered friends—I stopped believing in people and their “shades.” Now, everyone could be my “enemy,” and I always tried to gauge if what they did was with the intention to harm me or not.
“Their brains work differently, especially when it comes to controlling emotional responses, and it may be hard for them to have control over, for example, anger outbursts. When you have BPD, your emotions are too intense to think about other people’s emotions or the reasons behind their actions. Everything is heightened. Each emotion—love, hate, happiness, sadness...
“Intensified love is amazing, because they can treat you like an angel. They can make you feel like you’re the most special, most loved person in the world. Add their possible impulsiveness in the mix, and you’re in for a pleasant surprise. On the other hand, if something goes bad, they can treat you like you’re the worst person they have ever met.”
Each moment with Hayden flew through my mind. Each horrible thing he did, each sudden change in his behavior, each amplified emotion... Then there were the moments of affection, the passionate kisses and touches, and the times when I was pulled toward him in an inexplicable way... He rushed into my house to save me from Josh. He stayed by my side in the hospital...
Through the fog, a fragment of my memory cleared. I could recall the moment I considered a dream, but it was real. He kissed me in this room. He was here, worried about me.
“ I thought I lost you too ,” he’d said.
I could never decipher him. Even now, when I knew about his disorder, I still couldn’t put the puzzle that was Hayden together.
How did he feel about me? What was happening inside his head or his heart?
“As I said, every emotion is heightened, and when I saw Hayden desperately wanting to be here with you and absolutely terrified to lose you... When I saw my boy’s eyes...” She sucked in a deep breath. “He completely lost hope, and I couldn’t reach him at all. Not until you stirred for the first time and woke up. Hayden looked like he was the happiest person alive. Such intensity of emotion was overwhelming.”
What was she trying to say? It was so difficult to accept the fact that Hayden felt this way toward me.
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
“Do you have feelings for Hayden?”
I flinched, taken aback by this sudden question. “What?”
“I noticed it since the beginning, but at first, I wasn’t sure if my impression was right or not. I saw the way you looked at my son back then.” Her smile was tender, almost remorseful. “Mothers can easily see those things, just like I noticed the way Kayden looked at you.”
I glanced the other way, ashamed and guilt-ridden.
“Please, look at me. I’m not saying this to embarrass you or criticize you. I want to help you. I heard you saved Hayden from getting killed, and I can’t even express how grateful I am to you. I want to tell you that you don’t have any debt toward my family. If you did that out of guilt, then stop doing this to yourself, Sarah. As I told you a long time ago, Kayden’s death wasn’t your fault at all.”
“Mrs. Carmen—“
“No. Let me finish. As Kayden’s mother, I feel I have to say this. I never blamed you for his death. Not even for a second. No matter what the circumstances that led to his death were, my son was the one who made the decision to save his brother. I told you before that nobody forced him to do that.”