I saw shame and regret on his face, but it was hard for me to believe this was real. All of a sudden, Hayden wasn’t that Hayden I knew anymore, and I didn’t know how to act.
My eyes were downcast. “You don’t have to thank me. How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. It wasn’t serious. How about you?”
“I’m okay too.”
“Look at me.”
I closed my eyes. “No. Please, go away.”
How could I look at him when my heart and thoughts were in a state of tumult? I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. Mrs. Black gave me many answers, but I had more questions than ever. He had a mental disorder, and he needed to work on his issues, but where did I fit in? What was the reason for his hate?
“I won’t go away.” He touched my cheek again, but this time I brushed his hand away, opening my eyes to scowl at him.
“Hayden, I did what I did, but that doesn’t change anything. We’re still enemies.”
He grimaced. “No. It changes everything.”
“No, it doesn’t.” I frowned. “How can you say that?”
“You saved my fucking life. I was horrible to you all these years, but that didn’t prevent you from stupidly taking that knife for me.”
I blushed again. “It wasn’t stupid.”
“It was stupid, and you’re an idiot.”
I glared at him, irritated by his blank face. “So this is your way of thanking me? By insulting me?”
“I’m just saying the truth.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Do you have any idea how I feel having someone risk their life for me again ? Having someone die for me again ?”
My heart lurched in my chest, and I glanced at his old scar. His voice was filled with self-reproach and self-blame, showing me his desperation.
“I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve it. And of all people, it had to be you, whom I always hated. From the first day I saw you, actually.” I fought to keep my eyes on him, my pulse drumming in my ears.
“Please, I don’t want to hear it—“
“You need to hear it. I want to give you the truth. The whole ugly truth. After everything I‘ve done to you, you deserve my honesty at least. No more lies.” He drew a shaky breath, nervous.
“You were so fucking clumsy the first time I saw you. Do you know what crossed my mind when you fell?” His cruel words froze me. I didn’t want to hear him say another word, yet I stared at him, aching with anticipation. “I thought how pathetic and weak you were. You disgusted me with your weakness.”
I blinked back my tears. “Stop this, Hayden.”
“When Kayden told me he met you, calling you cute, I laughed at him. I told him he was stupid and had lame taste in girls.”
“Stop.”
“Then you two became friends, and it was making me crazy. I was mad at you for stealing my brother away. He was my twin, but he gave you more attention.” The venom poured out of his words, slicing me deep. “I was mad at him for giving everything for such a stupid, weak girl. I observed you for months, trying to find out what was so special about you. I was revolted by how fragile you were. I was sick seeing you cry or whine.”
“I know you’ve always hated me. You don’t need to give me the horrible details.”
“But you didn’t get it then, did you? You were friends with Kayden, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t separate you two. But then, one day, you infiltrated my mind and intoxicated me, and I couldn’t get you out of my head. I realized I’d misjudged you because you weren’t as weak or empty-headed as I thought you were.”
The way he looked at me made it difficult for me to breathe. “I saw a new side to you, and just like that, I became infatuated with you.” Oh God. He was revealing everything to me, and it was too much. It was too intense.
“I actually wanted your attention, and then I couldn’t stop. I had to see you snap and break because that way I got your eyes on me. It made me feel like I was something more in your life. Something much more than just the brother of your best friend.”
Carmen’s words about their strong need for attention popped in my mind, reminding me of Hayden’s fear of abandonment and how strongly he felt all emotions.
I covered my face with my hands, crying silently, but he didn’t let me hide. He moved my hands away from my face and covered them with his own on my lap, his eyes fixed on mine.
“But after the car accident, I hated you more than ever. I couldn’t stand the sight of you. I thought you were the worst, and I blamed you for the accident and his death, so everything I did was in the name of justice. It was so twisted, but it felt right. It gave me the strength to continue living through the nightmare.”
A loud cry escaped my lips. His truth was too ugly. It was more than I could handle...
“Hayden, don’t. I-I can’t handle all of that now... It’s too painful.”
“I know. It’s too painful and too dark, but I want to tell you the truth. I was a horrible person.” He shook his head. “I am a horrible person. There is still so much hate in me, and it’s suffocates me. Sometimes, I’m sure it will never end. Sometimes, I fear I’ll completely give up and give in to that inner monster.”
He moved his thumb over my wrist in slow circles, creating a surprisingly pleasant feeling that distracted me.
“These last few weeks, whenever I hurt you, I felt even worse, and I couldn’t cope with all those emotions. It was too much for me, and I was so confused. I’m still confused. You were my enemy, but a day ago you saved my fucking life.”
He looked at my hands with tenderness that made my skin tingle, his keen eyes following every line. I wanted to pull my hands away from him, but for some reason I couldn’t muster that strength.
“I’m a mess. Even now, I don’t know what is happening to me, but when I saw you lose consciousness that night, I thought I lost you. I felt like I was going crazy... The pain was fucking ripping me from the inside.”
He lowered his head onto my cold hands to hide his face from me, shaking terribly.
“I’ve been so horrible to you, yet you saved me. I didn’t deserve that. Now, I don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty, and it’s unbearable. I need you, Sarah. I need you.”
I looked around me, unsure of what to do. I should push him away or chase him out of the room, but I couldn’t. Unable to stop myself, I brought my hand to his hair. He didn’t even move as my trembling fingers threaded through his soft strands, looking too fragile.
“I was so jealous of Kayden,” he murmured, keeping his head against my hand on my lap. “Actually, I still feel that disgusting jealousy. I hated him for always getting what he wanted—“
“Hayden—“
“As the older twin, I thought I deserved all privileges and attention, but I never had those. He was always the one who got everything. Our mother’s love, everyone’s attention and respect... Everybody only talked about him. They were always repeating how great he was and how amazing his future would be...”
I wanted to say anything to reassure him, but my throat constricted, the words failing me. For as long as I could remember, Kayden was the one everyone supported and looked up to. People were naturally drawn to him. Hayden was more the second choice than not.