She took a hold of my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure Kayden wouldn’t want you to blame yourself your whole life or do things to repay that non-existent debt, such as saving Hayden at the cost of your life.” I closed my eyes to stop the tears.
I wasn’t able to breathe evenly from the pressure in my chest. It became larger and larger, and I just wanted to be alone and cry. I didn’t want to talk about this. It was too raw and fresh...
“Please, Mrs. Black... I-I didn’t do that because of guilt. I mean, feeling guilty was just one part of my decision to save Hayden, but most of all, I wanted to save him because—” I stopped, terrified to say those words. Somehow, saying them didn’t feel right. Not after everything Hayden had done.
“I know.” Her eyes glistened with tears, and I realized how difficult everything was for her too. “That is why I’m telling you about Hayden’s condition. I know you love him, and I know you , Sarah. You aren’t the person for Hayden.”
“W-What do you mean?”
“Honey, you would never be able to be that person who would make him feel loved, secure, and strong, no matter how much you love him. He needs someone with control, mental strength, and stability. His condition isn’t something temporary. Even with treatment, it can last his whole life. His partner needs to be strong and capable of bearing Hayden’s hell.”
Despite everything, her words angered me. Maybe I didn’t want to be that strong person in Hayden’s life anymore, but she didn’t have the right to judge Hayden or me like this and declare us a failure before anything had even begun.
“You don’t know that,” I blurted out. “Yes, I’m weak and I have a lack of self-esteem. I have many issues and insecurities, but if I fight to become stronger and better—if we both do—we could conquer everything—“
“Sarah,” she interrupted me. The broken look on her face killed everything in me. “Don’t do this to yourself. There is no hope for you and Hayden. It would be too toxic for both of you. Get away from it while you still have a chance. Go away while you still have your sanity.” She took a deep breath, shaking visibly.
“My whole life I was confident and mentally strong, and I did my hardest to be there for their father, but even that wasn’t enough.” She inhaled deeply once more, as if to calm herself down.
Why was she saying this to me?
“Their father and I loved each other profoundly. I was always his anchor and support. He had borderline personality disorder too, Sarah. And despite everything, despite all our struggles with his disorder, our love, understanding, and faith, he lost the most important battle. He lost to BPD. In the end, his darkness was stronger, and he killed himself.”
Chapter 29
“ BPD can be hereditary, but it can also be caused by some traumatic event. In Hayden’s case, that event was probably his father’s death. Then again, it can be my fault, because I neglected him, which could’ve worsened his condition. ”
I kept thinking about these words, even long after Carmen was gone and the evening came. I was all alone with my depressive thoughts.
I was appalled to hear that Hayden’s father also had borderline personality disorder, and that he committed suicide in the end. He had Carmen and his sons, yet he couldn’t cope with his pain, fear, and struggles anymore, lost and completely detached from happiness and love of the people around him.
Oh God, Hayden. He lived in the same world, facing the same demons... Did he ever think about suicide?
A searing ache claimed my chest. No . He couldn’t kill himself... Not that.
What was going on in his mind?
“Fear of abandonment...,” I muttered, remembering Carmen’s words. “Need for attention...”
“ I just want this fucking chatter to stop, so I won’t have to live in this hollowness anymore ,” Hayden said to me last Friday night. “ I was never able to control these destructive emotions inside of me, which were screaming at me to release them, no matter how much I tried to shut them down .”
I closed my eyes tightly, desperately trying to connect all dots and imagine myself as him.
The intensified pain, nothingness, feeling lost and unable to see who you are, terrified to be alone, everybody is your enemy, your life has no purpose, you can’t find any answer, hate... Hate, hate, hate...
Something crushed me on the inside, burning my chest, suffocating me, and I felt unable to breathe or move...
“ One day could bring me peace, but that same day could be my doom ,” Hayden said that same night.
You feel great now, but how long will it last?
I remembered the poem on the wall of his room again:
“I scream, suffer, and bleed inside; every single day is a tough ride.
It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know
what is like to be so high and then fall so low.”
You’ll never know, Sarah, what it’s like to be so high and then fall so low. One moment you’re feeling extremely happy—like you are on top of the world... And then extremely sad—like you’re thrown into an abyss... All alone... It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know how it feels when you don’t know when the darkness is going to hit you.
The memory of Hayden’s tormented eyes when he revealed his insecurity to me for the first time pained me. “ I hate myself for being this mess, for not being sure about anything .”
How could one person feel so lost? What made humans fall into such despair and feel there was no way out? How could our inner demons conquer us? Why was happiness too difficult to achieve? There were so many things that upset us. Why was there so much darkness, suffering, bleeding, hurt, and hate? Then, there were disorders, which chained people—labeling them—like they were born with some mistake, like they didn’t have the right to live a normal life...
My tears soaked my face, my neck, and my hospital gown, everything in me hurting as the ceaseless darkness enveloped me.
I felt a touch on my cheek, and I flinched, snapping my eyes open. Hayden stood above me, staring at me silently as he brushed away my tears. I moved my face away from him, breaking the contact, astonished he’d touched me like this.
“Hayden? What are you doing here? I-It’s late and the visits aren’t allowed at this time...” I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop, flustered because he was here.
“I don’t care. I had to see you.” My heart jumped in my chest, and I hated myself for reacting this way. A pang of guilt and sorrow hit me when I spotted a sling on his left arm. He could have died... He came to help me.
He was looking at me in a strange way, no usual coldness in his eyes, which now twinkled with soothing warmth. This confused me more than everything. He brought a chair next to my bed and sat down.
“How did you get in?”
“Does it matter?” He wasn’t taking his eyes off of me, studying my face like he’d never seen it before.
“Why, Hayden? You didn’t have to come here and—“
“Thank you.”
I gaped at him. After three years of his hatred, something as simple as thanks came as a pure shock. “W-What?” My stupid blush made its appearance. “What for?”
He blinked, showing insecurity, but he quickly composed himself. “You saved my life. I always treated you in the worst way possible, yet you saved me.”