Then again, it was Hayden who I loved. He was incredibly smart and talented in many things. He was loyal to his friends, no matter how much they argued. He was popular too because there was something about him that just drew people in, even though he didn’t feel that way. I loved Hayden with all his imperfections, but I couldn’t tell him this. I would never tell him I loved him. I couldn’t.
“I’d always considered Kayden my rival in so many things. And when you two became friends, I wanted to knock some sense into him. I hated that my brother had eyes only for you when you were so wrong for him. I was his twin, but he cared more about you than me—”
“That’s not true.”
“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I thought he was blinded by you, and I hated him even more because of that. And then he saved my life and died, and my whole world was turned upside down. I didn’t know anything anymore.”
He took a sharp inhale, his hoarse voice and trembling revealing how upset he was. Suddenly, he raised his head, and my eyes widened when I noticed the tears on his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away.
“Did you ever love him? Tell me the truth.”
I felt as if something hit me in the stomach. His eyes were full of pain, and I was shocked to see him so insecure and lost. He let all his barriers down, showing me how insecure and vulnerable he actually was, and it hurt me to see him like this. I had no idea what to do or how to feel, but I couldn’t cause him pain now, despite everything he’d done to me.
“I’ve never loved him like that. I only saw him as a friend. I-I couldn’t return his feelings...”
Hayden cupped my cheek, and I held my breath, wary of his touch at first. It was so gentle, and I was quickly losing myself in it.
“I never knew what made me so mad about you being in love with him. It made me sick.” He removed his hand from my face, and for some reason, I missed his touch.
“This will sound ironic and unbelievable, but I feel guilty for everything I’ve done.” I flinched, not believing my ears. Did he really say that now?
His lips curled into a bitter smile. “I feel guilty for not doing anything to protect you. I wanted to, but I didn’t. When I read the texts you received, I didn’t do anything. I thought someone was just messing with you. I should’ve known better. I should’ve done something, anything .”
He fisted his hand. “I couldn’t sleep that night, and when I heard you scream and saw what was happening in your room... I was terrified. I ran as fast as I could to reach you. Fuck .” He hit his thigh with his fist. “I always knew Josh was mental. You and I were his least favorite people.”
“Josh didn’t like you?”
“Josh and I were never real friends. Sure, we hung out together and did each other favors, but we were always fighting. Since we moved in same circles, we acted like it wasn’t a big deal, but he couldn’t stand Kayden and me from the beginning. I get that he hated Kayden because of Natalie, but I guess he disliked me because I was his twin. I don’t know. I always felt he held some serious shit against me.”
Now I could understand why Josh didn’t hesitate to attack Hayden first. It was surprising to hear they weren’t friends because I always considered Hayden, Blake, Masen, and Josh as one solid rock—unbreakable. They all seemed completely loyal to each other.
I stared at my hands. He’d told me so much, but there was one question that burned at the back of my mind all this time, and I needed to know. Blushing, I asked, “What did you do with my nudes?”
He inhaled sharply and looked away, regret claiming his features. “Nothing. I didn’t do anything but look at them.”
“Really?”
He met my gaze. “Yes. I never meant to post them online or show them to anyone, Sarah. I just used them as leverage against you, but I hated myself for doing that to you. If it means anything to you, I erased them.”
“You did? But why? I mean, don’t get me wrong. That’s a good thing. But... Why?”
He just looked at me for a long time, musing about something. “Because I’m ashamed for taking them like that. That was a dick move. There is no point in having them if you don’t give them to me willingly.”
I observed him quietly, trying to take all of this in. He sounded sincere, but I didn’t know what to believe in anymore. What I thought I knew well turned out to be something different, and here was Hayden, who had come to my house to save me, confessing his feelings to me.
Confessing ? I still couldn’t believe this.
“Hayden?”
“Hm?”
“Where do I fit in now? After everything, how do you feel?” I glanced away, blushing furiously. “How do you feel about me?”
He lowered his head and closed his eyes, and I almost expected him to refuse to answer me or make a mean remark. Taking a deep breath, he looked at me.
“I thought a lot about our last encounter in the cafeteria when I was at summer camp. Before you hit me with that pizza, you had a fierce look in your eyes that was pure fire. You took my breath away.”
What? He swallowed nervously, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob.
“You were always on my mind during the summer. You finally fought me back, which made me furious, but at the same time, so damn attracted to you. I wanted to make you pay for that, but I also wanted you. It was totally confusing.”
The passion in his eyes reached the deepest parts of me, and I had to look away, blushing again. However, this time my face wasn’t the only place that felt hot. It felt unusual that he desired me.
I’d always thought he considered me ugly, but now his eyes didn’t leave me as they grew more heated, and I felt embarrassed and exposed.
“Please, Hayden—”
“You’re beautiful.”
Whoa. ”What?” I croaked. He smiled, and the sincerity of his beaming smile threw my heart into overdrive.
“Do you want me to spell it?” he mocked me, and I winced.
“Why do you always have to make me sound stupid?”
He chuckled. “You get offended so easily. I really enjoy playing with you.” He was making things worse.
“Just like you. You always get angry by every single thing.” His smile dropped.
Oh no. Did I go too far? Would he snap at me?
“You’re right. For as far as I can remember, every single thing made me feel insecure. I would always analyze them, no matter how small those things were, and try to determine if they are good or bad. I would reach negative conclusions most of the times. Even now, I keep telling myself I was so wrong about you, but that monster inside me is trying to pull me back into that darkness and hate. Sarah, I want to fight against it. What you have done for me...”
He shook his head and sighed. “I want to change. I can’t keep going on like this forever. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking every single thing would break me down. I don’t want to hurt you anymore... I... I want to try. For me. For... For you.”
I couldn’t do anything but stare at him, battling all these emotions inside of me. It hurt. His words hurt so much. How long did I dream to hear these words? How long did I hope that Hayden wouldn’t be my enemy anymore?
Now, after everything, it felt too late. I didn’t want him to act like this out of guilt. I saved his life, but that didn’t change anything. Now I knew how he felt, but I wasn’t ready for this at all. He was too dark and difficult. How could I trust him? How?