I typed a new text, trying to convey how I felt in a relatively small amount of words.
“I’ll always stay next to you and make sure you know you’re not alone. I’ll always tell you I need you and you’re the love of my life. Didn’t I tell you that before? Yes, you’re the love of my life, Hayden. And I don’t care if you don’t feel your hands, or have memory loss, or have a disorder, or anything else you find wrong with yourself. You’re mine and that won’t change. Ever.”
My pulse raced, anxiety strumming my nerves because I’d shared my most profound feelings with him. I didn’t feel cold anymore. I looked at Hayden’s house as I passed it, and the absence of lights created a strange loneliness in me. I wanted Hayden out of the hospital and back to a normal life. I wanted to experience so many things with him...
My phone chimed, and I took a deep breath before I opened the message, nervous about his response.
“Those words sound like they came straight out of the trashy romance movies Carmen likes to watch.”
I gaped at my screen, color rising to my face.
“That was a joke, so don’t make that face you’re making now. I’m actually smiling like a fool, and I wish I could kiss the hell out of you. I want you to say those words to me directly next time. Got it?”
His next text arrived shortly after.
“And you’re mine, Sarah. Only mine. I even have a tattoo to prove that.”
What? A tattoo?
“What do you mean by that?”
I paced up and down my porch as I waited for his answer. I wasn’t in a hurry to get inside and face my mother.
“It means you’ll find out as soon as you get me naked.”
I blushed furiously, and the image of his ripped body popped in my mind. His body and tattoos were a potent combination that awoke an old desire in me, which had only grown more powerful. I wanted him. I wanted him as much as he wanted me.
I typed a message fast, having no idea what made me say the next words.
“You can always send me nudes.”
His reply came quickly.
“Baby, I’ll send you my nudes gladly. All you have to do is ask.”
I entered my house with a grin, the image of our naked bodies entangled together bringing heat to my cheeks and insides.
I was pulled out of my reverie as quickly as it started when I saw Lydia and my mother in our living room. They were watching a rerun of True Blood. I didn’t want to see Patricia, but it would be impolite of me not to greet Lydia.
“Hi,” I told her, barely sparing a glance to my mother. She didn’t even pay attention to me; her gaze was fixed on the screen. Her bruises had already faded, and since she hadn’t been drinking as much as before, her eyes were unusually clear. Unfortunately, sober Patricia wasn’t even close to a decent human. She was still miles away from caring about anyone but herself.
“Hello, sweetie. How was school?”
I smiled bitterly. This woman cared more about my day than my own mother. She was probably baffled that Patricia and I were practically strangers now, but she didn’t question it and acted friendly each time she saw me, which I was grateful for.
“School was normal,” I replied briefly, impatient to leave. Patricia’s presence didn’t sit well with me, and I had no energy to put up with her more than necessary.
“I’m glad to hear that. Also, I wanted to ask you about your early action application. You mentioned trying getting into Yale?”
My lips parted. I completely forgot about Yale’s Early Action. They were supposed to email me their decision by the middle of December, which meant I most likely already had the answer to what my future had in store for me.
“Yes, but I still don’t know if they accepted me.” I glanced at mom, expecting her to say I had no chance of going to such a prestigious college.
“If you do get in by some miracle, which isn’t likely, don’t expect me to pay for it,” Patricia spat, her eyes still on the screen. “You’re on your own.”
Lydia twisted her hands in her lap as she looked between Patricia and me, clearly uncomfortable, but Patricia’s insult didn’t have any effect on me.
So, I just shrugged and said, “I’m better off on my own anyway.”
I turned around and marched out of the living room, wishing Lydia hadn’t had to witness that. My pulse sped up when I entered my room and turned on my laptop to check my email. My nerves were doing a wild dance. These last few weeks, everything had faded into the background as I dealt with Hayden’s condition and the midterm craziness, and now I could hardly breathe with rising excitement.
I opened the browser and entered my Gmail password twice, my hands shaky. Unless I was deferred or didn’t receive financial aid, which I would know about around March, this was it. If I didn’t get in, I’d have to change my plans and dreams and settle for some other college. I’d have to forget about Yale’s amazing art program and all the possibilities it could offer me in the future.
On the other hand, if I got in, I would be able to learn from the best professors and expand my connections. I’d be able to take a variety of courses that would help me perfect my art. And...
And I would be separated from Hayden.
Oh God. All of a sudden, Hayden was part of the equation that was my life, and I could no longer plan my future without him in it. I’d never thought about what college he would choose. I was always focused on getting out of Enfield and creating the life I wanted, but I couldn’t only think about myself anymore now that we were together.
I never asked him about college, so I didn’t know where he wanted to apply. Had he ever planned on leaving Enfield? Or going to college? He’d said he didn’t know what his dreams were, so there was a possibility he wouldn’t attend any.
My Gmail loaded, and there it was. An email from Yale that was sent several days ago.
My anxiety went through the roof. Okay. It would be okay. I just had to click on it, and whatever it said, it would be okay. Yes. I could do this.
I closed my eyes shut and clicked on the email blindly, my breathing heavy. Take a deep breath in. Take a deep breath out. It’s going to be okay.
I held my breath as I opened my eyes, focusing on the contents of the email... And I saw it.
An offer of admission.
I got into Yale.
I GOT INTO YALE!
“Yes!” I jumped high with my fist in the air, laughing like a maniac.
Finally, after so many days, a huge load was lifted from my shoulders. This was a dream come true. They accepted me. I was good enough to get into Yale. I was able to follow my dreams.
My loud laughter rang through my room, revealing the pure euphoria I felt. I reached my window in spurts of laughter and was about to start dancing when I cast my gaze at Hayden’s room.
Unexpectedly, my laughter died, and my stomach hollowed out.
Hayden needed me more than ever. I couldn’t disregard his loneliness that was heightened by BPD, and if I told him I was leaving for college...
This was bad.
How was Hayden going to react to this?
Chapter 7
“YOUR WORLD HISTORY teacher should change his profession,” Mel said as soon as we were out of the classroom.
This was her first day in East Willow High, yet I was more excited about it than she was. She kept glaring at people, mumbling something about how she should’ve stayed in bed instead of coming to school.