“I’m so sorry, Hayden. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I shouldn’t have—”
“Please, stop.” He drew his eyebrows together. “Stop.” He raised his hand in the air in a stop gesture, and I went stock-still, afraid of getting into the same fight with him again. “Just... Fuck.” He pressed his hand over his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose.
“Are you okay?”
“Stop. I need to think.” He shook his head. “I don’t remember it. I don’t remember a word of it, and I can’t understand... I couldn’t have accepted that fight. I couldn’t have said all of that. I...” He hit the mattress with his fist and cried out in pain. “Fuck!”
“Hayden!” I grabbed his wrist. “Please, don’t do this. You’ll only hurt yourself. Besides, you just regained feeling in your hands so don’t—”
“I don’t remember anything, and all you’re saying now sounds so absurd, but at the same it sounds like the kind of shit I would pull on you, and it scares me that I can’t remember it!”
“It’s going to be all right. I’m sure you’ll remember soon.”
“You don’t know that. You’re just telling me this to calm me down, but I can’t calm down when this won’t end! I hate this. I hate not remembering. I hate this pain whenever I move. I hate being this confused and thinking like an imbecile. I can’t figure out even some simple things, which is infuriating!”
“Hayden, please. It’s okay. Doctor McConnor said that was normal. He said you’d be able to think clearly when you recover and—”
“When will that happen? I’m sick and tired of this! As if I wasn’t weird enough with my fucking disorder, I have to go through this now?! When will all this pain stop?”
“It has to stop sometime. It can’t last forever.” I touched his hand tentatively, hoping to get him to relax, but he flinched and pulled it away from me. He eyed me warily. He had his guard up, and it hurt.
“Sarah, don’t lie to me! Stop treating me like a child and feeding me pointless lies. You’ve been doing that enough for the past two weeks.”
I straightened myself up. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about all those stupid ‘You’ll be fine’ and ‘You’ll wake up soon’ you fed me with for days!”
I recoiled. “You heard me? You were able to hear?”
“Yes. And it was the worst.” His eyes were cold, reminding me of the old, dark Hayden. “For ten days I’d been hearing people say I was all right when they knew nothing. I wasn’t all right! I was trapped with no way out, and all those nightmares and illusions... They lasted for so long. For too long.” He started taking deep breaths, shaking.
“Now, after everything, I don’t want to hear it’s going to be all right when I feel like shit. Look, just go. Right now, I’m pissed off, and it’s already more than I can handle. I don’t want to hurt you, so please, leave.”
I stood up from his bed, feeling cold despite how warm it was in the room. I was so close to bursting into tears, but I sucked it up and picked up my bag with a blank expression on my face. I knew it would be for the best if I left, but it stung that he’d asked me to leave anyway. I didn’t want to leave him, but if my presence made things worse, I had to accept that. It was hard, but I had to accept that this was his way of dealing with his issues.
“I’m sorry if I did something wrong. I’ll leave now.” I stood awkwardly next to his bed, feeling painfully distanced from him, and I waited for... I didn’t even know what.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, so stop fucking apologizing.” He hissed. “Fuck. I’m sorry for this.” He inhaled sharply. “I don’t want to say something I’ll regret, and I’m already doing it, so... Fuck. Go!”
I nodded, growing colder the angrier he got. “I love you, Hayden. Don’t forget that. I love you.”
Something vulnerable passed through his eyes, but other than that, my words didn’t have any effect. He was too overcome with anger to control himself. I scurried out of the room and closed the door behind me, leaning against it for support.
I was breathing raggedly, the first tear already leaving a path down my cheek. I was close to losing it. I drew in a long breath, telling myself this was something I should always be prepared for. These unpredictable ups and downs were a part of his emotional baggage.
Besides, he wasn’t taking medicine for his BPD at the moment. Since he suffered from a brain injury, he had yet to see his therapist and see what meds would be safe to use in his condition. He had to continue with therapy and make up for the sessions he’d missed, so it wouldn’t be surprising if he relapsed.
Then again, I had to stop taking this personally. I’d read that when people with BPD couldn’t control their emotions and were about to explode, it was better for them to leave and calm down before trying to solve the issue. Once they calmed down, they could see things clearly and express their problems in an appropriate way. Ms. Kishimoto herself told me to not try to solve issues during arguments but after we both calmed down. Since Hayden wasn’t in a position to leave, it had to be me.
I decided to walk back home, despite the low temperature and heaps of snow that created a monotone landscape. I was near my house when my LG notified me of a new text, which pulled me out of my musing. I halted, remembering only now I’d forgotten to tell him about his diary.
I took my phone out of my pocket. I wasn’t sure how to approach that topic with him. I had no way of knowing if he would get angry to hear I had it. Would he demand that I give it back? Would he feel very vulnerable? Either way, I didn’t feel comfortable having it anymore.
I unlocked my phone, and my heart leapt when I saw Hayden’s name on the screen.
“I can finally use my phone now that I can move my hand. But my thumb acts all weird, and I keep messing up. Thank fuck for autocorrect.”
I giggled, at ease that he’d obviously simmered down. I was about to text him back, when another message arrived.
“I’m sorry for earlier. I messed that up too. I just don’t want to hurt you. We both know I did that more times than we can count. And hdsjahifergsda fuck typos.”
I laughed hard, wishing I could hug him right this second. I wriggled my toes in boots to bring some warmth back to them before I resumed walking, typing my message.
“Are you feeling better now?”
His text arrived a minute later.
“If better means feeling like shit because I had to chase away my girlfriend to calm down, then yeah. I feel like I’m on top of the world.”
My stomach caved in. He always masked his feelings with sarcasm, but I understood how difficult this was for him.
He sent a new text before I could answer him, and I halted when his words sunk in.
“Actually, I need that stupid ‘You’ll be fine.’ Whenever you say it, I feel like you care, and I need that. So don’t ever stop, okay? Forget what I said. And forget whatever I said to you before my accident that day.”
I choked with love and need for this complex guy. The first snowflakes landed on my cheek, and I looked up at the dark, cloudy sky. There was something stifling in the way darkness spread everywhere as the white particles fell all around, and I wished for a clear, starry sky that could bring me serenity.