I wasn’t hungry anymore, and the rice and vegetables on my plate were suddenly unappealing to me. Jessica looked equally unenthusiastic about her food, upset by her exchange with Blake, but she managed to hold her tears at bay.
“Jess?”
“Yes?”
“What’s going on between Blake and you?”
She tensed, and her gaze darted over to Hayden’s table. Redness poured into her cheeks.
“That’s a great question,” Mel said. “What on earth is happening between you two?”
Jess’s face got redder. “Absolutely nothing.”
“I wouldn’t call what just happened nothing.”
“He hates me and bullies me. Why is that so difficult to understand?”
Melissa shook her head and pointed her fork at Jess. “Nope. I don’t buy it. There has to be something you’re not telling us—”
“Are you serious?!” Jess exploded. “What do you want to know? That he threatens me every single day and bullies me until he has me in tears? That he calls me names and makes me feel awful? That I feel sick every time I see him? Do you want all the horrible details, Mel?”
She raised her hands defensively. “Sorry. It’s just weird. That’s all.”
“Weird? You’re telling me about weird? Then what do you call this thing between Masen and you?”
Mel’s brows knit together. “Hey! Don’t turn this back on me. And there’s nothing between Masen and me. I would do the same to Blake or anyone else because I despise all of them.” She burst into chuckles. “Although, that face he made when I poured Coke on him... Priceless. Okay, I admit, showing Masen his place does bring me extra satisfaction.”
She didn’t stop chuckling, and I sighed. “Whatever floats your boat,” I told her and looked at Jessica. “I’m just glad that you stood up to Blake, Jess. That was awesome.”
She bit at the cuticle of her thumb, trying to cover her flushed face with as much hair as possible. “I don’t know what made me do it. I was terrified, and I hated it. He’s going to make me pay for that.”
“We aren’t going to let that happen, Jess.”
Mel curled her hand into a fist. “Yeah. I’ll break his nose first. I’m tired of seeing these imbeciles. I dealt with them in my school, and I sure as hell am going to deal with them here too.”
I smiled, admiring her once again. She was assertive as always and didn’t let her fears chain her, always pushing forward despite everything and everyone. I wondered why I’d never been able to break out of the old fears that kept me restrained.
Each time I wanted to fight back, I couldn’t. I was so afraid of the consequences. My mind always created the worst outcomes for my actions, the consequence of all those times I tried to defend myself only to make things worse. My fears prevented me from taking a stand against bullies.
Mel looked like she didn’t care about tomorrow or possible retaliations. She looked like she could deal with everything that was thrown her way, and I respected her immensely for that.
“What’s the problem with Steven now?” I asked her. “Why did you get so angry with him?”
She ran her hand through her hair before she took a piece of cucumber. “He’s more problematic than ever. He’s never home these days. The situation is pretty tense because we’ll have to stay at my grandparents’ place for a while, and they completely disapprove of Steven’s behavior. They pressure him to change and stop ruining his life, but as expected, Steven doesn’t like that. Add our parents’ divorce to this, and it gets real messy. His phone is off most of the time, and I barely have a chance to talk with him.”
“Is he using more often?” Jess asked her.
“More often? He’s stoned every single day, and not from any light drugs, no.” She looked at Steven, concern shadowing her face for a quick moment. “I’m so scared for him. He has no clue that his ‘lifestyle’ is a one-way ticket to destruction. I’m afraid one day I’ll just hear he has—” She stopped, like she was about to say something she didn’t want to share.
“He has what?” Jess encouraged her.
Mel’s smile was so dazzling in its obvious insincerity it was painful to watch. “Nothing. Don’t mind silly me.”
I wanted to tell her not to bottle up her true feelings and rely on us to be there for her, but that would be hypocritical of me. I had to believe she would do that in time on her own.
My phone vibrated, so I took it out of my pocket, smiling because I knew it was Hayden.
But that smile got wiped off when I opened his message and read the words that broke my heart.
“I’m so sorry. I deserve to die because of how I treated you that morning. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.”
Chapter 8
THE TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL passed in a blur; the pressure in my head tightened with each passing minute. I’d run out of the cafeteria before I could explain Hayden’s message to Jessica and Melissa, too worried about Hayden’s state of mind to waste a second. I’d texted him saying I’d come right away, but he didn’t reply. He didn’t respond to my calls either.
My heartbeat reached a sickening speed by the time I made it to his floor. I dreaded entering his room, imagining him devastated, and I barely got any comfort from the fact that he’d obviously remembered our argument from that morning.
I didn’t bother to knock. I shoved his door wide open only to screech to a halt. He was crying, his bloodshot eyes prominent on his extremely pale face.
“Hayden!”
He flinched when he saw me and sank into his bed like he wanted to put a distance between us. I closed the door and dashed to him.
He covered his eyes with his forearm, as if he was trying to hide himself from me. “What are you doing here?” His voice was raspy, shattering me to pieces. “Please go away. Don’t look at me like this. Go away!”
I wrapped my fingers around his wrist to pry his arm off his face, but it was futile. “Please let me see you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”
Sobbing, he turned his head further away, and it was tearing at my heart. I gave in to my emotions and pulled him into an embrace, holding his head against my shoulder as he convulsed forcefully. He slid his hand to my back and grabbed my jacket, burying his head into my neck before he let out a long sob. I held him close as he shed tears, succumbing to my own.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t recognize his pain-stricken voice. “I remembered some things I said... I’m sorry for everything. I’m the most horrible person—”
“No, don’t say that. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter—” I began in a soothing tone, but it didn’t make any difference.
“It matters!” His hand clutched my jacket harder, bringing me flush against his body. “It fucking matters! You’ve done everything for me! Everything! And how have I treated you?” His voice broke, and I shuddered, tears soaking my face. “All those words I’ve said...”
I moved as close I could get to him without hurting him and laced my fingers through his slightly longer hair. “I understand, Hayden. That wasn’t you. You couldn’t control it. I understand you didn’t mean it.”