My adrenaline ebbed away by the end of my rant, which left me breathing heavily as I watched their shocked faces. I garnered the attention of all the students around us, and only now the reality of what I’d done hit me. My old, reclusive shell opened to pull me back into its depths.
Avoiding everyone’s gazes, I dashed out of the cafeteria. I needed to escape this place and all these people. I rushed into the nearest restroom and supported myself against the sink, quite disturbed by my reflection in the mirror. My reaction eliminated any pride I might’ve felt, leaving only desolation in its wake. Would Blake bully Jess more because of me? Would Blake and Masen bully me again? Would the other students ridicule me?
The door opened, and Mel came inside, a small smile curling her lips. Instead of making a witty or sarcastic comment, she just reached me and pulled me into a tight hug.
“I’m proud of you, Sar. That was amazing.” Her unexpected words brought about a fuzzy, warm feeling in my chest. She was proud of me.
“That was horrible.” I closed my eyes shut, feeling like crying. I didn’t know where my earlier courage came from, but there was none of it now, only the fear of consequences.
“No, it wasn’t. You were fighting back, and it was one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Honestly, it was way overdue.”
“You don’t think I exaggerated?”
“Exaggerated? Are you serious? I would’ve beat them, all the while throwing trash on them, but I like your tame version.” Humor bubbled in her voice. “It was civil and courteous like you, but at least you put them in their places. You finally managed to conquer your fears and fight back, which is more than awesome, girl.”
We separated, and I glanced back at the mirror, studying my confused face. It had a healthy color, unlike it had when Hayden was in a coma, but the dark circles beneath my chestnut brown eyes remained, like a neon sign that said “I hadn’t slept in ages.” Overall, I didn’t look like a badass. I looked like a scared little girl.
I wished Hayden was here so I could get lost in his hug and warmth. Maybe I worried excessively because Hayden wouldn’t let them do anything to me, but I didn’t want to drag him into this. I didn’t want to be that girl who needed saving. I wanted to deal with this on my own.
“Sar, don’t overthink it. You’re going to be fine.” She looked at me in the mirror with an encouraging smile. “Savor what you just did and consider it your small victory because you’re much stronger than before, and I’m sure you’re going to get even stronger.” She flexed her arm and patted her bicep. “Like me or Chuck Norris.”
I snorted. I felt slightly better after her pep talk. “Where are Jess and Kevin?”
“They’re in the cafeteria. Don’t worry, those douchebags left them alone. I threatened Steven that I’d reveal his biggest secret to his friends if he didn’t send their asses away.” She snickered. “Of course he had to listen to me, so that was settled.” Her phone vibrated, and she pulled it out of the pocket.
I was all smiles. “What’s his biggest secret?”
Her laugh rang out loud, echoing through the empty restroom. “He’ll kill me if he ever finds out I told you, but it’s totally worth it.” She leaned to my ear and whispered, “He crapped himself in his sleep. A few times, actually.”
“What?!” I whipped my head to look at her. I couldn’t stop laughing, clutching my stomach when the waves of laughter grew stronger. “How? How is that possible?”
“Don’t ask me. He’s a true gem, that stupid brother of mine. And it’s not something that happened a long time ago, no.” Chuckling, she unlocked her phone. “Oh look, it’s Mateo.”
My smile dropped. A tense silence crashed on us, likely to reveal the sudden pounding of my heart. “You two... You message each other?”
She gave me a sideways glance. “Yes. Is something wrong with that?”
I frowned, unsure of what to say to her. We hadn’t mentioned Mateo even once, seeing that my days revolved around Hayden’s recovery and Melissa’s around her move to Enfield and the divorce. I knew they occasionally texted each other while I was with Mateo, but it never crossed my mind that they might still be in contact.
“No, it’s just... I didn’t expect that. You two weren’t close before I met him, so... I don’t know.”
“So it’s weird we’re now friends?” she asked, cutting to the chase.
I shrugged. “It’s unexpected.”
“Well, we are. He’s a good guy, and it’s not like I can’t hang out with him just because you two don’t have a good history.”
I didn’t like her sharp tone, but I chose to ignore it. She had the right to do whatever she wanted, and I didn’t have anything against their friendship. The truth was that the last time I saw him I did something that created the gnawing guilt I still felt whenever I inadvertently thought about him. I wished I could explain my reasoning to him, but I knew I would be the bad guy either way, and I was apprehensive about seeing him again.
“How is he?”
Her thumbs worked fast as she wrote a message. “He’s okay.” She didn’t look away from her screen.
“Is he?” She stopped writing and looked at me. “I just hope he’s happy.”
She sighed and hit send, maintaining our eye contact as she pocketed her phone and crossed her arms over her chest. “What do you want me to tell you? That he moved on? He didn’t move on. He doesn’t want to talk about this, but I can see it eats him up on the inside. You and I didn’t discuss this, but what you did that day in the hospital was outrageous. He didn’t deserve those cruel words.”
I turned my back to her and started pacing the room, wishing she could understand my reasoning. “I already told you and Jess about Hayden’s disorder and the issues he faces, Mel. As a person with BPD, he has extreme trust issues and insecurities. The thread between his trust and total distrust is so thin even a small thing could break it. I can’t even compare his jealousy to a regular guy’s jealousy. In that moment, I had to choose between keeping Hayden and my friendship with Mateo, so I made my choice.”
“Still, you could’ve said something else—”
I glanced over my shoulder at her. “What? What could I have said that would prevent the situation from escalating and make Mateo leave the room? However I phrased it, Mateo would still be hurt and I would be the villain. And I said the truth. I can’t be friends with him before Hayden and I can enforce our relationship and trust. I can’t stay in contact with him or be friendly when Hayden can easily interpret that as flirting.”
“But it’s not flirting!”
“But Mateo still has feelings for me!” This made her clamp her mouth shut. “I don’t want to lead him on. Honestly, that friendship would be too painful and uncomfortable because I would always be aware he has feelings for me I can’t reciprocate, and imagine how he would feel? It would be selfish of me to keep him as a friend when he would always want more. Being near me would make it harder for him to get over his feelings for me. Is there a point to such friendship?”
I’d already experienced this with Kayden, and it had been painful for both of us, but mostly, it had been painful for him. I’d felt horrible for not being able to return his feelings, making things worse by underestimating them because I felt too uncomfortable. Sometimes, cutting all ties was for the best.