He would never be mine, but I blurted out the words the sober me wouldn’t ever say, “Never say never.”
Chapter 12
I BLINKED RAPIDLY AS the memory of their fifteenth birthday dissolved, and a horde of butterflies settled in the pit of my stomach. I focused on the lines across his heart again and reread them.
“‘Countless tiny spots that confuse me instead of giving me any answers
Whenever I think about all that unlimited space, I feel overwhelmed
The more we learn about it, the more we see that we know nothing
It’s scary how tiny, so tiny, we are compared to it’
Just the way I feel about you.”
These were the exact words I told him on his fifteenth birthday, combined with the last sentence that reflected his deepest feelings.
I slowly met his gaze. I’d completely suppressed the memory of that night in Kay’s room. Hayden was so different then, amplifying my feelings for him, which only made everything hurt so much more when he subjected me to more bullying.
“You... You tattooed my words?” Right across his heart.
He nodded. “Yeah. That’s your tattoo.”
“But why did you do that? Why these words?”
There was so much love and need in his eyes, and my chest throbbed hard. “Because that’s exactly when I started liking you. I even wrote down these words on the paper back then and left it in my drawer.”
My heart beat fast, fueled by his nearness and words. I’d thought I didn’t interpret his actions correctly. I’d been so sure that was a game for him. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“I came to Kayden’s room to intimidate you, but in the end, it was you who intimidated me.”
Oh. “How?”
His finger trailed my jaw on its way to my neck, and it was tantalizing. “I saw you lying on Kayden’s bed, and I completely forgot about my plan. I was only able to feel. Before I knew what I was doing, I sat next to you, and it was something I never experienced before. I looked at those stupid stars on the ceiling, but I didn’t see them. Instead, I saw your face, and all I was able to think about were your words. I related to the way you felt about the universe. I related to your feelings of confusion and fear because that was exactly how I felt about you the more I saw you.”
I shuddered when he caressed my earlobe with his thumb. “I thought it was all just a game. I was sure you were playing with me.”
“Everything would’ve been easier for me if that were the case, but it wasn’t. For a moment, I was able to forget we were enemies, but then you saw it was me and not Kayden. I was terrified of what I felt in that moment, so I tried to push you away.”
“When did you tattoo this?
Sorrow flickered across his face. “I went through a hard period after you rejected me at the hospital.” He swallowed and looked away. “I hated you, Sarah. I really did. But then, I didn’t. I couldn’t. Even when I thought you were the worst, I kept coming back to you, and one day I was drunk and so high on thoughts of you I just wanted to have that moment on me. So I tattooed that most important moment over my heart.”
Tears collected in my eyes. “Did you ever regret tattooing it?”
“No. It’s twisted, right? But no, I never regretted it.”
“So you tattooed the words that symbolize the moment it all began for you. That’s...”
He shifted his weight, tilting his head to the side. “That’s too much?”
“No, not at all.” He’d listened to me and memorized my words, and now they were forever imprinted on his skin. The first tears spilled out, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Hey.” He brought me closer to him. I shook as I shed silent tears. “Hey. Don’t cry. Why are you crying?”
“I’m just so happy. Thank you for getting this tattoo.” When I opened my eyes, I saw him smiling at me with affection in his gaze.
“How about you?”
“What do you mean?”
“When did you start liking me?”
My heart fluttered against my ribs. I brushed my tears away and sniffed. “It happened more than a month after I moved to Enfield. Kay and I were watching a movie in his room, and I had to use the bathroom. Since the one in his room didn’t work, I went downstairs and...” I stopped, unsure of how he would react when he heard I’d been eavesdropping.
“And?”
“And I...” I bit into my lip.
“What’s the matter?”
“Okay, so don’t get mad at me or anything, but I saw you and Blake in your living room together.” His smile dropped. “You were hugging him as he cried and—”
“What did you hear?” He looked so serious, and I didn’t know how to interpret it.
“Not much. I forgot most of it. I just know Blake said something was his fault and he mentioned a girl’s name, but I don’t remember it.” He looked at me with no reaction. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have listened to you two, but I didn’t tell anyone about it. Not even Kayden.”
His gaze was reflective as it dropped down. I couldn’t get a read on him.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I stayed listening mostly because I was shocked by you.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You were completely different. Up until that moment, I thought you were heartless and evil because you treated me so horribly. You never expressed even a sliver of positive feelings, but then I saw how you wanted to help him and be there for him. I saw that you cared. And I don’t know how, but something changed in me. I saw there was good in you, and that’s how it started.”
“You recognized good in me?” He looked for something in my eyes.
“Yes. I understood there was more to you than what you showed to the world. You were alone, misunderstood, and in pain, just like me. I guess those things made me relate to you. They helped me feel closer to you.”
He watched me for a prolonged moment, and I noticed a slight trembling of his lips. “Even then you had a big heart,” he mouthed. “You were capable of caring for me despite everything I did to you.”
I took his hands into mine. “It doesn’t matter now. You changed. It’s the only thing that matters.”
“I know.” He stared at our hands. “Still, there’s one thing I don’t get.”
“What?”
“Why did you kiss Kayden?”
Shame claimed me, and I lowered my gaze, pulling away my hands from his. I used Kayden that night. Kay wanted it to happen, but that didn’t make me feel any less guilty.
“I... Please, don’t judge me.”
“Why would I judge you?”
“Because it was a mistake.” I twisted my hands together. “It happened the last time he and I visited the Nepaug state forest.”
His forehead creased. “That time when Kayden was hurt and told me I won?”
“Yes.”
“But why did he feel that way when he got what he wanted? He liked you and got to kiss you. He should’ve been happy about it.”
“Because as I told you before, I couldn’t return his feelings. And he knew I liked you.” The shame in me doubled. “He told me I could kiss him and pretend he was you.” I looked away.