“Thank you for everything. I appreciate this so much.”
She caressed my cheek with the back of her hand, giving me so much with such a seemingly small gesture. “Don’t thank me, sweetie. I’m the one who should thank you. Hayden and I are so lucky to have you. You’re special. Don’t ever forget that.”
Chapter 11
EMOTIONS BUBBLED IN my chest as I climbed the stairs. In some unfathomable way, Carmen and I had bonded, and I was beside myself with joy. My cheeks were beet red when I told her I was going to spend night in Hayden’s room, but she only cast me a knowing smile before she gave me the green light.
I knocked on Hayden’s door. “Come in.”
I entered and closed the door behind me as I raised my gaze, only to come to an abrupt stop. He wore only his gray Adidas sweatpants, which put his ripped chest and stomach on full display. My eyes roamed over the tattoos on his chest, shoulders, and upper arms, trying to take in every design and word that decorated his taut skin. He was covered with many words, just like the walls of his room.
“I... I never knew you had so many tattoos.” I never knew you were so ripped and gorgeous...
Get a hold of yourself, Sarah!
His amused face told me he knew exactly what I was thinking. He claimed the space between us and stopped right in front of me. Being this close to him, it was next to impossible for me not to stare at his tattoos, but I managed to tear my gaze away and meet his transfixing eyes.
“Come on. Look at them. I know you want to.” He tipped my chin and grazed my lips with his, sending my heart into overdrive. “Try to find yours,” he whispered and stepped away to give me space.
My tattoo! I remembered his text with a jolt to my chest. I was finally able to see it.
Enticed, I began exploring, admiring the talent of the person who had created these realistic tattoos. I caught sight of several single words dotting his body randomly.
Tainted
Shattered
Jaded
Defeated
Hated
Forgotten
Broken
Pained
Damaged
And much more.
The pressure built quickly in my head and chest, rising with each grief-striking word on his skin. My eyes stopped on a punching line on his bicep.
“Save me from the pain that comes from you.”
Then another.
“All those lies. All those lies they feed me. There’s no peace within.”
And another...
“Wake me up from the nightmare that I am.”
I looked at his other bicep.
“Darkness is what I seek
Forgiveness is what I need
Refusal is what I get
Loneliness is what I have”
I breathed out a raspy sigh. “Hayden...”
He glanced at that spot. “That kind of sums up how I’ve felt my whole life.”
I trailed my fingers over it, saddened by the amount of pain that breathed life into these words. “I’m so sorry. How I wish you never went through anything like this. I’m sorry.”
He just shrugged. With a quiet sigh, I shifted my gaze to a large tattoo of a river that started from the upper left side of his chest and spread across his left shoulder. The surface of the water was shimmering, reminding me of the Connecticut River we visited that night more than a month ago, and its poignant meaning struck me.
He’d told me he loved rivers and that watching their shimmering surface calmed him. It was moving that he’d decided to tattoo this.
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered, fully aware of his eyes that followed my every move.
A glance to the left revealed an undefined black shape with smudged edges that occupied his right shoulder and skin above the right side of his chest. It reminded me of a cloud. The profound blackness twisted something in my gut.
“What does this represent?” I brushed my fingertips against it, and goosebumps appeared on his skin. I met his eyes that held a breathtaking mix of emotions.
“It represents my emptiness.”
“Your emptiness.”
I caressed the area this tattoo covered, and he took a sharp breath as our eyes clashed. He liked when I touched him like this. I moved my fingers slowly over his skin.
“Can you tell me what it feels like? That emptiness?”
He let his gaze wander around the room as he contemplated the answer. “It starts from not knowing who you are. Not knowing what to do with your life. You have no purpose, and you feel worthless and lost. So you just keep wandering around, asking yourself what’s the point. You feel like the gaping hole that sucks all your happiness out of you will never disappear.”
I looked at the tattoo, feeling his pain coursing through me. How hard his days must’ve been with all those negative thoughts and doubts. It saddened me that he had to experience things no one ever should.
“I felt lonely for so long,” he continued. “And it always felt endless. I have a void that feels like it’s never going to be filled, and the worst part is that I don’t even know what can fill it. There are so many things I need: happiness, security, self-trust, love, you, but everything always seems out of reach. It seems unreal. So I go around in circles every single day and hope I’ll survive tomorrow, which is most likely going to be another shitty day.”
“I’m here.” I cupped his cheek. “I’m real, and I’ll always love you and make you happy. I want to help you with everything you need. Remember that. Tomorrow may be difficult, but we’ll get through it together.”
He covered my hand on his face and leaned into it, closing his eyes. “Thank you, Sarah. Everything feels easier when you’re with me. Somehow, you ease the pain and bring light into my life.”
“I’m a lighthouse, and you’re a lost sailor on the sea?” I cracked a half-baked joke to erase the remains of dejection from his gaze.
He raised his eyebrow. “You really need to work on your jokes, baby. I’ll forget what it means to laugh if you keep your cringe-worthy humor.”
I tsked. “Touché.”
My eyes snagged on the familiar words underneath the tattoo of emptiness.
“I’M PAINED, LOSING MY SOUL,
UNTIL DARKNESS SWALLOWS ME WHOLE.”
These words were in the middle of a smeared circular shape that emphasized them. The question I’d always wanted to ask arose again, and I met his burning gaze.
“Why do you think you’re losing your soul? Is it because of your emptiness?”
He didn’t respond immediately, devouring me with his eyes. Standing next to him like this felt more intimate than anything we’d experienced together so far, and I basked in all the feelings that surfaced and pushed me further into his world. He was opening up to me more than ever before, letting me see all of him.
“I’ve known my darkness for so long.” His raspy voice brimmed with emotions. “It destroyed me piece by piece until there was nothing. Until I lost all hope and forgot there was ever anything good to begin with. Until I completely gave in to that inner monster, which grew stronger with each disappointment, hurt, and betrayal. I got so used to being rejected and neglected that this became my reality—a fucked up world with no goodness or love.”