His question awoke new questions I had no answer to. I never thought much about it, giving in to him all too easily. Why didn’t I put new blinds?
I stepped back, mourning the loss of the heat his body radiated. He didn’t face me, keeping his gaze on my window. “I honestly don’t know. I mean, I was afraid of you, yes, but...” My chest tightened when the realization slowly formed out of the dark recesses of my mind. “But I also...”
“What?”
“I felt connected to you that way.” I reached for my chest, startled by the truth.
All that time... All that time I thought I hated him, fearing and despising everything he did, yet some part of me had yearned for his attention. I never craved the things he did to me; I craved his eyes on me. I craved to be in his mind and occupy his thoughts like he’d occupied mine. I was so sure I wanted him out of my life, blind to the attraction that drew me to him. He was the opposite pole of the aberrant magnet that never failed to pull me in.
I didn’t notice him move, my lips parting when he stopped inches from me and tipped my chin up. His eyes were warm and affectionate, and my breath caught.
“You and I both went through a lot before we accepted our feelings. I was attracted to you no matter how hard I fought it. I tried to get you out of my mind, but you were always there. I did such sick shit to you without even realizing I needed you if I wanted to stay sane.”
He backed me to the wall and caged me in with his arms. I grew hot, aware of his body that was almost flush against mine...
“I hate myself for always being a dick. I’m trying my hardest to keep control over my emotions.” His lips caressed my earlobe as he whispered into my ear, and it became difficult for me to focus on his words. He moved to kiss me, but three knocks rapped at the door.
“Sarah?” Carmen said through the door. “Dinner is ready.”
Hayden’s lips brushed against my ear, tantalizing my sensitive skin. “Go,” he whispered. “Unless you want me to devour you right here and now.”
I had to clear my throat two times so I could speak. “I’ll be right there!”
Hayden’s seductive smile only added to my muddled thoughts. I seriously needed some distance away from him so I would remember how to breathe and act normally.
I pulled away. “I’ll tell her I’ll stay here.”
“Great. In the meantime, I’m going to take a shower.”
Images of naked Hayden filled my mind, and I groaned involuntarily. Relax, Sarah. He’s just going to take a shower. No need to get too excited about it.
Hayden didn’t miss my reaction. His lips formed a full smile as he watched me put up a fight against my not so innocent thoughts. “It’s just a shower, baby. No need to make a big deal out of it. But if you want to join me—”
“Um, I think I hear your mom calling me again. See you!”
I bolted out and closed the door behind me like I was being chased by a serial killer. I blushed harder when his laughter followed me as I went downstairs to join Mrs. Black, all the while hoping my face didn’t show what exactly was on my mind.
“HOW DO YOU LIKE MY pasta?” Carmen asked when I swiped the last piece off my plate. She’d just shared some funny stories from her work, and I’d been having a great time.
I stopped for a second to study her face that looked more relaxed than just a couple of days ago. She’d been stoic all that time, but it had taken a toll on her. Her blue-green eyes had lost their usual light, surrounded by more wrinkles than ever, and her face had never looked more aged.
“It’s delicious. Your cooking is amazing as always.”
“Thank you. I don’t have time for cooking anymore, but I miss it. Since I’m not working now, I’ll make more meals for Hayden and you.”
I blushed, surprised she’d mentioned me. “Me?”
Her smile was soft, reaching a deep part of me that needed her care more than I’d ever admit. “Yes, honey. You. I want to help with anything you need. I’ll be there for you, too.”
Emotions clogged my throat, and I put my fork down on my plate. “Thank you. I... I appreciate that.”
My reticence reared its head and forced me away from any form of closeness. I felt so much, but I couldn’t let those feelings burgeon, because if I did, I’d be crushed if she turned her back on me like everyone else one day. So, I just gave her a tight-lipped smile, hoping she would drop the subject.
She didn’t. “Since you don’t have a good relationship with your mother, I want you to know you can always rely on me. I’d been a bad mother myself, and I had my own fair share of mistakes, but Hayden’s accident helped me remember what I never should’ve forgotten.”
She reached across the table and cupped my hand, and I stiffened at the unexpected touch. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to act. So I waited for her to continue.
“Life can be cruel. I could’ve lost my both sons that night, and now this, and the implications of it are tremendous. Hayden is my only family left, and if I’d lost him too... If he died this time...” She shook her head. “I’m ashamed, so ashamed. I’m ashamed to admit that after seventeen long years, I’ve finally accepted Hayden. I’ve finally accepted him for who he is.”
Her first tear connected with the wooden table, a tiny, a glimmering drop marking the start of many more to come as she held my hand and cried quietly.
And I let my shield crumble, tired of trying to stay emotionally detached. I stood up and came behind her, hugging her in a way I’d never hugged my own mother. I placed my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes. My tears fell on her blouse.
I’d never felt closer to her than now. Her hands held me and didn’t let me move, and I snuggled up to her without conscious thought.
“You’re a wonderful girl, Sarah. I always liked you.” She tugged me to sit on the chair next to her, her eyes conveying a slew of emotions that stole more and more of me. “I’ll be honest with you. I wanted you to be with Kayden. I expected him to tell me one day that you two got together, and I wanted nothing more than that, but we can’t control our hearts. You always only had eyes for Hayden.” She ran her hand through my hair, and a smile pulled at the corner of her lips. “And I’m so happy Hayden managed to win your heart. That boy deserves it. He deserves it more than anyone, and I’m glad the girl he fell for is you. I look at both of you as my children, and I’ll support you through everything.”
My heart was sent into a tailspin. “I...” My voice was foreign to me, and I cleared my throat.
I wanted to tell her so much, but nothing came to my mind as new tears trickled down my flushed cheeks. I felt something important changing in me, which gave me life and hope despite all my darkness and doubts, and I wanted this to be so much more than a fragile, precious thing that could break any moment.
“So you can talk to me about anything,” she went on. “I’ll always be here to listen to you and help you. I’ll be a mom to you too. You can always rely on me.”
She pulled me into her embrace, unlocking more locks I’d put around my heart, and for the first time ever, I felt like this house could be my home. One day, I could feel like I belonged here.