It was dark by the time I had gone through most of them, when I saw my dog tags sitting at the bottom of the tin. I picked them up, running the steel beads through my fingers, letting out a snort at how much had changed.
Before I met Darcey, this was my life, my dream. It had always been this. But since meeting her and falling for her so fucking hard, this wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I just wanted her. She was my dream, my home.
I dropped the dog tags into the tin, putting the letters over the top and closing the lid before sliding back under my bed.
I laid down, letting my thoughts take over my calm mind, I wanted to stop them, but I couldn’t.
I woke up, the nightmares plagued me once more. I feared they would never stop, only hoping that they stopped once I was home with Darcey.
Home, where I was safe.
It was four in the morning. I slid out of bed before dropping to the floor and doing my two hundred press-ups, then my hundred sit ups. I needed to keep fit, active. I walked into the bathroom, stepping under the warm shower, trying to relax my tense muscles. I always felt tense. Even when I felt calm, relaxed, I was still tense.
I wanted to go for a run, but I was scared that if I did leave and run, I wouldn’t come back. Not that I could go anywhere, it was like a prison. No one left, no one came in apart from who needed too.
I had another therapist session this afternoon. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, but if I had any chance of getting out of here, then I needed to do them and not lose my shit like yesterday.
But it’s so hard when they get in your head, spitting shit out to you to make you doubt yourself. I knew what I felt, I knew that I had fucked up. I didn’t need her telling me I was wrong. I knew I wasn’t wrong. But I needed to play by the rules.
Play by the rules to get the fuck out of here and back to my girl.
My baby girl.
My little grunge.
DARCEY
Present Day
“They’ve been found,” I muttered as I approached my mum who was being cradled by my dad.
“Yes. But as I was just saying to your mum, when we found Chase a few weeks ago, he was in a very bad way, and still is in a very bad way. I can’t say much more than that, although he won’t be home for a while, he is safe. I thought it would bring you some comfort.” He nodded slowly at me before his eyes moved back to my mum who was sobbing in my dad’s arms. I didn’t know if they were tears of joy or tears of fear.
“And Conor?” I asked. “He is okay?” My eyes stung from the tears that were glassing my eyes over, I was trying so hard not to let them out just yet.
“We have him too. He is better. Took us a while, but we got there,” he muttered softly, a small smile gracing his face.
“When will he be home?” My voice sounded desperate, Robyn was now standing in ear shot.
“I can’t say at the moment, but it will be soon,” he said as he stepped back towards the front door, turning his body to face my parents. “Mr and Mrs Sawyer, we will call weekly with updates on Chase. But you can relax, he is safe. It will be a long road, and we don’t know when he will be home, but I hope you will all be reunited soon.” His voice was soft, his face hardened but his eyes showed the emotion that he was feeling. But then maybe it was just a show? This was his job, telling broken families the devastating news that their loved ones have been lost or injured. The unbearable weight on his shoulders must be crippling.
I was back in the room when I heard the front door shut, my mum’s sobs loud as she gripped onto my dad. The rush of relief washing over me, us, that both our boys were safe.
They were coming home.
We didn’t know when, but they were coming home.
That evening we headed back to our house, back to some normality as such. We thought it was best to leave my mum and dad alone for the evening, give them some space to process everything.
The knotting feeling in my stomach, that I thought would ease when we knew they were safe, was still firmly there, but I think that was because of the unknown still. We didn’t know what lay ahead for us or them.
I couldn’t stop thinking of Chase and what he must have been through, and why he couldn’t come straight home. My heart hurt at thoughts that were running through my head at a hundred miles an hour.
It had just gone eleven o’clock, and my mind was wired. I couldn’t sleep.
I got out of bed, throwing on my dressing gown over my nightie and getting into my car. I went into auto-pilot, driving to my parents. I pulled in the driveway, parking my car in front of the side-gate before walking towards it, pushing it gently.
I stood in the garden for a moment, just looking at my surroundings when I started walking deeper into the garden, making a bee-line for the pool house. I pushed the brown, glass door open, the smell of chlorine hitting me, burning my nostrils, but instantly filling me with comfort.
Memories flooded back of my eighteenth birthday. I don’t know what I was thinking, flirting with that bartender, putting myself in that situation. I was so naive and stupid.
It was the thrill. The thrill of getting under Conor’s skin.
I wanted his attention, even when he was bad. Even when he was awful to me and made me cry, hating him with everything I had. But I still wanted his undivided attention on me at all times. I was a brat.
I felt anger bubbling inside me at my stupidity. That night could have ended very differently, but as if he knew, my guardian angel was there to save me. Running to my rescue like a knight in shining armour, or more like a knight covered in tattoos and rocking Doc Martens.
God, he looked heavenly that night.
I sat down on the side of the crystal, turquoise pool, letting out a deep sigh. I hitched my dressing gown up my thighs as I dipped my feet into the heated pool, instantly calming. I kicked my feet gently, listening to the sound of the water clashing with my skin, smiling at the noise.
I just wanted to see Conor, to hold him and kiss him.
My mind wandered to the one evening before he left for the army.
It was a warm summer night. We came in here, stripping down to our underwear and diving into the cool pool. I came up for breath, my eyes watching as he swam over to me, snaking his arms around my waist and pulling me into him.
He pushed his lips onto mine, a spark coursing through my veins. His hungry hands round my back, unclipping my bra and throwing it over the other side of the pool, a wicked smile forming on his face.
I instantly wrapped my legs round his waist as he moved to the edge of the pool, my back being pushed up against it. His fingers wrapped round my thong and pulled them to the side before he pushed his own boxers down. No words were spoken, the passion and intimacy were too much.
He lined himself up against my opening, pushing into me, hard and fast.
I gasped, the sensation was something I couldn’t even describe.
His hips slowed down as he pushed deeper into me, his hand grabbing my hair and tipping my head back before he started nipping at my chin.
“Oh,” I moaned quietly.
“Feel good, baby?” he asked, his breath on my skin.
“Mmhmm,” was all I could muster.
When he stilled completely, a whimper leaving my mouth as he pulled himself out, then grabbed my arm as we swam over to the steps. He climbed out, kicking his wet boxers off of his feet, holding his hand out to help me get out the pool. As I stood, dripping wet, he lifted me up and walked me over to the rattan furniture set that was in the corner, dropping me down softly as he knelt between my legs.