We are moving out in a couple of days, so I don’t know when you will next hear from me.
I just wanted you to know how much I love you, and I will always love you. Until the day my heart stops beating.
I have loved you from the moment I saw you in your kitchen when you were fourteen.
I have loved you in secret, and out loud.
Loving you out loud is my favourite.
You complete me.
If I make it back home, promise me one thing?
Promise you’ll marry me.
Please.
Always yours, only mine.
Love Conor x
I recited my response to him, out loud, as if he could hear me.
“I promise.
It’s always been you.
Only you.
Promise me one thing?
Come home, I need my groom.
Only yours, always mine.
Love Darcey.”
The tears sprung to my eyes, my voice hoarse. I struggled to swallow, I felt like I had swallowed sandpaper.
I read his letter every night before bed, it just doesn’t get easier. I folded the letter and placed it on top of the others before closing the box, shaking my arms and hands, trying to shake the shiver that was crawling over my skin before walking towards the shower to wash my tears away.
Once my ballet dance classes were over, I came home and sat on my sofa, watching Friends and drinking a bottle of wine, waiting for Robyn to come join me.
Seven o’clock rolled around and she walked through the door, looking dead on her feet.
“Hey,” she called out as I heard her bag hit the floor, and the dragging of her feet down the hallway. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this travel to London.” She sighed as she flopped down on the sofa, putting her feet on my lap.
“Rough day?” I asked, handing her the glass I got for her earlier and pouring it with wine.
“Not even a rough day, just a long day. Just been one of those weeks,” she huffed before
taking a big mouthful of wine.
“We all have those days.” I patted her foot, smiling at her. “Tomorrow’s a new day, and one day closer to us hopefully seeing Conor and Chase.” My smile faded before I quickly plastered it back on again, the tears threatening to come. I didn’t want to blink, because if I did, the tears would fall again.
I couldn’t keep putting myself, and Robyn through this.
This was becoming a regular occurrence; drinking wine, moping, crying, drinking more wine.
I woke Friday with a banging headache, me and Robyn stayed together. We got ourselves so worked up over everything, I just didn’t know how much more we could take.
My parents were going through hell, and I just wanted to take it all away from them. Take their pain as well as my own.
I felt awful, and I cancelled my class today. I just wasn’t up for it.
I convinced Robyn to take the day off too, she was burning the candle at both ends. It took some doing but I did it, selling it that we could lay on the sofa all day and binge all the Twilight movies. Who doesn’t love a glittery vampire and a hot man-turned-werewolf?
By the time we were finished, it was time to go to my mum’s. As much as I loved going there, I hated it as well. Seeing your parents so broken and unable to soothe them was just too much sometimes. They were desperate for answers. My dad looked like he had aged about ten years, he went grey overnight. His crystal blue eyes, like mine, were dull, lifeless. I missed his glisten, his sparkle.
My mum had given up. She hardly came out of her bedroom. My dad was breaking but he had to be strong for both of them.
We eventually got out our pyjamas and got dressed, heading down the stairs to the car, and heading to my parents.
When we got there, we let ourselves in.
“Mum… Dad?” I called out as I put my bag and trench coat on the chaise lounge in the hallway, Robyn following suit.
I walked into the kitchen first. Neither of them were in here. I walked back down the hallway and into the lounge to see my mum asleep on the sofa, curled into a ball, clinging onto a photo of Conor and Chase.
My heart broke on the spot, falling out of my chest and into the burning acid of my stomach.
I walked through the lounge, to the back of the room, to see my dad standing, vacant, looking out onto the garden. I walked quietly over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and snuggled into his back. His hands covered over mine before he choked out sobs.
I decided to order us a Chinese, my mum wasn’t in no fit state to cook and I just wanted to make sure they had both eaten. Once it arrived I served it up, pouring us all a glass of wine. Me and Robyn walked the food through before taking our seats on the plush sofas. We were never allowed to eat in here, but mum had given up with her rules and with how house-proud she was.
My dad took his plate from me, my mum taking hers from Robyn as we both sat down and begun eating when my dad placed his plate on the floor, as he stood up and walked towards the television, pulling the drawer open that sat underneath as he rooted through the DVD’s.
I knitted my brows together, throwing Robyn a confused glare when I saw him pull out the old video camera from the back of the deep drawer and plug it into the back of the television before clicking play.
It took a moment to come on, but when it did, it was videos of a young Chase and Conor, playing in the garden. My dad smiled weakly, picking his plate up and sitting down next to my mum. He leant over and planted a kiss on her cheek as she sat, her eyes fixated to the screen before palming her tears away. We sat eating in silence as we enjoyed hearing their voices and seeing them, even if it was only through a television screen.
Once we were finished, I cleared the plates and walked through to the large kitchen, Robyn following behind me.
“God, I am tired.” Robyn sighed.
“Me too, it’s mentally exhausting, isn’t it?” I said as I rinsed the plates in the sink before loading the dishwasher. “Think we should just stay here tonight, save driving home,” I suggested.
“Fine by me, as long as I can go to bed soon.” She laughed quietly.
“Go to bed now, I’ll finish off down here. I can’t switch off just yet.” I smiled at her as she placed the cutlery and wine glasses down, pulling me in for a tight hug before she disappeared upstairs.
I washed the glasses up and left them on the draining board. I would never be forgiven if I broke one of mum’s crystal glasses. I put the cutlery into the dishwasher and switched it on. I turned the kitchen light off, the low humming of the dishwasher keeping me company for a while, whilst I stood in the kitchen, looking at all the photos on the fridge, smiling at the happy memories.
My eyes moved to the one from prom night, of me and Conor. His arm wrapped round my waist, him pulling me into his side. I still remember how he clung onto me so tightly, as if he was afraid I was going to run away. His smile was everything, he lit up any room he walked into.
I was so desperate to hear his voice, see his beautiful face in person. Photo’s just didn’t do him justice.
I let out a deep sigh before walking upstairs to his bedroom, closing the door behind me and stripping out of my clothes. I pulled his drawers out and grabbed a mustard-yellow T-shirt, slipping it over my head, bringing it to my nose and sniffing. A small smile spread across my face, his smell lingering faintly, making me feel whole inside for a moment.