I would love nothing more than to be pregnant with Conor’s baby, but it was such a big deal. But I knew we could conquer anything together.
I undid the button on my denim shorts, walking back over to the bed and picking the box up before heading towards the en-suite. I couldn’t calm my shaky hands as I opened the box, pulling one of the tests out and reading the instructions. I was trying to rack my brains on when it could have happened, if I was. I was on the mini-pill, so my periods were all over the place. I wasn’t one of those lucky ones that didn’t have periods, but I could go months and months without one. Or months and months with one. There was no in-between.
I took a deep breath as I sat on the toilet and peed on the stick, pulling it away before putting the cap back on. I placed it on the toilet cistern whilst I did my jean-shorts up and washed my hands.
My heart was galloping at full speed in my chest.
I wrapped my fingers round the china sink, dropping my head and breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth as I brought my eyes up to the mirror, staring back at myself. My hair was in a messy bun with loose, golden strands hanging down in various places. I looked a mess. I snorted a laugh to myself before turning round and looking at the test sitting there. I agreed with myself that I would give it a couple of minutes before I walked over there.
I stood facing out towards the bathroom, my fingers curled back round the sink as I tapped them against the cold china. I loved the bathroom in here. For an ensuite, it was massive. The tub could easily fit me and Conor in comfortably, and the shower was huge. But again, it was so light that it just made the rooms so much better.
I snapped my head back over to the test. I knew it was time to check, but I was so scared. What if it was positive and Conor was upset or angry and he didn’t want me or the baby? I knew deep down he would be ecstatic, but I couldn’t help the little voice in my head who was making me doubt everything.
I let go of the sink, my fingers instantly aching. I hadn’t realised how hard I had been holding onto it. I walked over slowly, trying not to look at the test until I got there, but my curious eyes were betraying me. I stopped just in front of the toilet, my hand coming to my mouth when I saw the word PREGNANT on the test.
Shit.
A cold sweat came over me, my stomach flipping and churning before I dropped to my knees, lifted the toilet seat and threw the days contents up, straight down the toilet bowl.
I sat anxiously at the dining room table. Dinner was cooked and served, and I filled two wine glasses with water, putting a bottle of red in the middle of the table for Conor. I was filled with nerves, my appetite completely gone.
Once I had found out, I had a shower and washed my hair, hoping it would make me feel better, but it didn’t. I got changed into a lounge tracksuit, and all of a sudden, everything felt constricting round my belly. I had my foot on the dining chair, my knee bent as I wrapped my arms around it, bringing my nail to my lips, I started nibbling.
Deep down, I was so happy that I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe that we would have a little daughter or son in nine months, but I couldn’t stop the nerves that were bubbling inside me. I had the pregnancy test in my pocket. I was planning on leaving it in the middle of the table for him to see, but I just couldn’t do it.
So, I put it in my pocket and that’s where it would stay. I turned my phone over, looking at the time, it had just gone eight o’clock. He should be home any minute. I didn’t really hear from him during the day, only when he was on a quiet day would we exchange a few text messages and phone calls. My heart skipped a beat when I heard the door unlock.
“Baby, I’m home,” he shouted down the hallway, his voice echoing.
“I’m in the dining room.” My voice was high-pitched. I was trying so hard to control my nerves, but my voice betrayed me.
I stood from my chair and walked towards the door as he ran down the hallway, scooping me up into an embrace, his eyes looking down at me before he kissed me.
“God, I’ve missed you. I am so glad it’s Friday. A whole weekend of just me and you.” He beamed at me as he put me down softly and walked into the dining room. “Mmm, smells amazing, thank you, baby,” he cooed as he sat down, I took my seat opposite him.
He reached for the bottle of red and poured himself a glass then hovered it over mine.
“No, thank you,” I said sweetly, shaking my head and holding my hand over the glass. “I’ve got a terrible headache, thought best to stay off the wine tonight.” I smiled at him before he placed the bottle back down, picking his knife and fork up.
“You okay?” he asked as he started cutting into his steak.
“Yeah, just been a weird day.” I shrugged, trying to keep my voice steady.
“No news on a job?” He sighed as he looked at me.
“Nope, I think I might as well kiss goodbye to London Ballet.” My voice was trembling now.
“Don’t say that, they probably get inundated with applications, babe, you will get the job. I know you will,” he said proudly.
I went to explain what I meant when he piped up again. “It’s been a day today, honestly. I had to look after Freya today, and the little baby, the girl. Wow, she is a handful. She doesn’t stop crying. Freya looks tired all the time, then they’ve got Parker at home as well and he is just non-stop. He runs around their house like a bull in a china shop,” he said laughing before taking a mouthful of his steak. “I mean, they look exhausted all the time. Why would you want to put yourself through that?” He shrugged as he took a mouthful of red.
“Because they love their children and wanted to take the next step in their relationship,” I said deadpan.
“Well, I know that, but aren’t you happy that’s not us yet? Broken sleep, late nights, early mornings. You can kiss goodbye to the sex life. Taron checked in with us today, he has just had another baby and it sounds like hell. Don’t envy them at all,” he said shaking his head.
I was clinging onto my knife and fork so tightly, my throat burning from the growing lump that was there, my eyes brimming with hot tears. His eyes shot up to mine, going wide, his mouth still open, ready to take his next mouthful of food. “Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked dropping his knife and fork.
“Good job you don’t envy them, eh? Because, guess what Daddy?” I said with a snarl. “You’ll be joining them in a few months,” I snapped as I pulled the pregnancy test out of my pocket and threw it into the middle of the table. My eyes were on him as he looked at the pregnancy test, his face going white.
“Is this a wind up?” he asked.
“What do you think, Conor? Don’t be such a prick,” my voice was raised, the tears now falling down my cheeks.
“Darcey... Baby... No. No, no, no, no.” He shook his head as he held the pregnancy test in his hand, his voice getting faster. “Not yet, we aren’t ready for this yet. Fuck. It was meant to be me and you for a while, you working at London Ballet, me with Carter. Us getting married and enjoying life… Just us for a while. Just me and you. I’m not ready to share you yet, you’re mine and only mine. I don’t want to share you with anyone, not even our child,” he said.
My heart fell out of my chest right there and then, falling into the pit of my stomach. He had managed to obliterate my heart in thirty seconds flat.