I risk a glance back to Sloan and my own anger burns behind my eyes. I’ve always been protective of Perry. His heart is my heart and every time she stabs him in it, I want to rip her throat out.
My hand grips his tighter. “She’s only doing this because she knows it bothers you. She likes to hurt you and that makes me want to hurt her.”
Perry raises an eyebrow, finally shifting his eyes back to me. “I find it cute you always feel the need to defend me, but maybe I don’t deserve it.”
I laugh. “Of course you do. You’re the best person I know.” The skeptical look in his eye causes me to sidestep a little. Sometimes I forget I have a boyfriend who should mean more than him. But the truth is … no one ever will.
“Well, one of them.”
He bites his lip, scanning my face. “Walker will never hurt you.”
When he turns to walk away, I grab his arm. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He keeps his arm tense, but doesn’t attempt to move further away. “It means exactly what I said. He won’t hurt you. He’ll be someone you can rely on and he will love you with his whole heart and no one else. That’s the kind of guy he is.”
I let go of him, cocking my head. “And what kind of guy are you, Perry?”
He releases a bitter laugh. “Not that.”
I scoff. “I don’t believe that.” I take a step closer. “You try to act all hard because that’s the way you want people to see you. I see different.”
I place my hand on his chest and he squeezes his eyes shut. It beats against my palm, causing my own heart rate to climb to alarming speeds.
“Bishop, I won’t allow myself to cross a line with you.” He opens his eyes and they sear into me. “You’re too important.”
I’m not sure what comes over me, but I shove him back forcefully. “That’s a crock of shit.”
Hurt flashes in his eyes and he closes his fist over his heart. “It’s true.”
“That’s what all guys say when they’re not really into you.”
Perry’s nostrils flare, but he walks over to me and grabs me by my waist. He tilts my chin up so I have to look directly into his eyes. “Listen to me, Bishop, because I’m only going to say this once and we will never speak of it again. Are you listening?”
My mouth instantly goes dry, so I nod.
His tongue runs across his bottom lip and he tilts his head down to me. “I could kiss you right now and it would be fucking amazing.”
“Then why don’t you?” My words are breathless and my legs feel weak.
“Because if I do, everything changes. Even if there were no Walker and no Sloan between us, you and I—would never work.” When I open my mouth to argue, he keeps going. “You are the only thing in my life that makes any sense. I can’t ruin that like I ruin everything else.”
I grip his shirt, trying to pull myself closer. “You won’t…”
He shakes his head. “I know myself. I know I love you too much not to fuck up. I can take disappointment from everyone else, but not from you.”
Perry moves back from me and lights another cigarette. I still can’t find the will to make my feet move.
“Be with Walker,” he says, turning away from me. “He’s good for you.”
I watch Perry walk along the lake until he fades into the darkness. Tonight, two guys told me they loved me. Any other girl would be over the moon to have that kind of admiration given to them. But for me, it breaks my heart. I know that even if there were no Walker or no Sloan, it wouldn’t change anything. Perry’s heart is trapped somewhere in his tortured soul and it’s going to take more than someone like to me to break through.
12
Deadlines
Perry- Now
Sloan’s head is resting on my chest as I stare at the ceiling. This is the second night she stayed and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I may not have a strong moral code, but even I know this is wrong. If he was abusive to her or was also unfaithful, I could feel better about it. The fact is, Johnny, for the most part, is a decent guy. I mean, I would really like to knock him the fuck out, but that’s just because I want her too.
I’ve always had trouble sleeping. It didn’t just start when I went to prison, it began much earlier than that. Right after Jeremy died I had nightmares almost every single night. I tried talking to Tess about it once, but it was too hard. I hated drudging up painful memories for her because the simple fact was we couldn’t change it. Jeremy was dead and we all suffered because of it.
I lift Sloan’s arm gently and roll her to her side. She murmurs something into the pillow and falls right back to sleep. I kiss the side of her head and slip off the bed. After throwing on a pair of sweatpants, I step outside to the small balcony above the stairs. I light a cigarette and don’t even take a full drag when my phone begins to ring. I reach into my pocket and smile when I see the display.
“It’s after two in the morning this better be good.” I speak roughly into the phone.
“Uh—well, I …”
My sister Mackenzie’s roommate Zander stutters back in response and I stifle a laugh. I love fucking with him.
“It’s about Mack,” he blurts.
All humor fades from my mind. I clear my throat. “What’s going on? I was just messing with you by the way. You can call me anytime, you know that.”
There’s a pause. “I know that, but I think she’ll be upset with me if she finds out that I did.”
“I don’t give a fuck. If something is going on with Mack, I need to know about it.” I take a long drag and let it blow out through my nose. “And I have a feeling you’re about to tell me something I’m not going to fucking like.”
Another pause.
“Cornell is playing Yale next weekend.”
My jaw starts to tick and I flick my ash roughly over the railing. “Okay, what time is the game?”
Zander lets out a strangled sigh. “Perry, you can’t come. Mack said a condition of your parole is that you can’t be within a certain distance of Sean and you absolutely cannot assault anyone.”
I laugh darkly. “Who said anything about assault?” I take another drag and speak as I exhale. “Next time I’ll finish what I started.”
“Should we be talking about this over the phone?” Zander whispers.
I laugh again. He’s so paranoid. I can clearly picture him, hunched down in a corner somewhere, cupping his hand over the phone as he speaks.
“Let me worry about it,” I say, pacing around the small deck. “Listen, I have shit going on this weekend, important stuff, but I’ll be there before the game. Don’t tell her I’m coming either. There’s no condition in my parole about me hurting you.”
Zander laughs and it sounds nervous. “That’s you joking again. Ha-ha, Perry.”
“Am I?” I leave my tone ominous.
“Uh…”
I laugh louder this time. “Yes, I’m fucking with you. Get some sleep. It’s late. You’re supposed to be smart and shit.”