“Okay, good talking to you Perry.”
“Yeah, you too.”
I end the call and lean over the railing. The timing of this bullshit couldn’t be any worse. If I murder Sean, I’ll go back to prison and Tess will really be alone in this world. Then there’s Sloan. I don’t know what the fuck is going on there but I know for a fact if I left again, I would come back to her most likely on her second marriage with three kids and minivan. Well, probably a very nice SUV—a minivan isn’t her style.
I feel a pair of warm arms circle my waist and I sigh as her lips press between my shoulder blades.
“You can’t sleep?” Sloan asks, her voice laced with concern.
I turn around so I can bring her closer to my chest and kiss her forehead. “It’s about Mack.”
Her face falls and I can see sympathy in her eyes. Sloan may seem like a stone-cold bitch, but somewhere inside, probably pretty deep, there’s a caring, decent person.
“I might have to go to Ithaca next week. Straighten some things out.”
She nods and lays her head on my chest. Her finger traces along my bicep. “You’re not going to hurt him, are you?”
She doesn’t look up at me when she asks the question, but I think she doesn’t want to see me lie to her. Yes, if I get the chance I know I will absolutely hurt him, maybe even worse. Mack was barely seventeen when he started exploiting her for sex and filling her with drugs and God knows what else. A sick person like him deserves to suffer, and I want to be the one who inflicts it on him. That’s why I couldn’t go easy on him the first time. When I saw him hurt her with my own eyes, that’s all it took for me to lose it. Two years was a small price to pay to protect someone I love.
My fingers twist in the strands of Sloan’s hair as she continues to hug herself to me. I can’t tell if she’s cold standing out here barely dressed, or that she actually wants to be this close to me. Either way, I can’t complain.
“Johnny will be with me at the service tomorrow night,” Sloan says, breaking the silence.
I grit my teeth, but don’t respond. Anything I can think to say right now will piss her off and we’re having such a nice evening together.
God, I sound like a pussy. What does this girl do to me?
I swallow down my hatred. “I expected that.”
She looks up at me with her bright, blue eyes. “Perry, I don’t know what this means. You and me. I know we still have a lot of things to work out, but I need time.” She moves back and crosses her arms, putting some distance between us. “I meant what I said. I love you and I want to be with you, but I’ve already created a life for myself. One that I’m not sure I can give up.”
Her words hurt worse than when Tess punched me in throat. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere with her, she pushes me further away. One thing’s for sure, I can’t go on like this forever.
I blow out a quick breath and lean back on the railing. “So, when your fiancé is on forty-eight-hour shifts, you can share my bed with me, but when he comes home, you want to act like the devoted fiancé again?
She shakes her head. “No, I don’t want it to be like that. I just—I just don’t know how to hurt him.”
I laugh once. “But you can hurt me?”
“You can handle it.”
This causes me to become angry. I push off the railing and take a step toward her. “Handle it? You think I like sneaking around with you when all I want is for things to be like they used to be? I want you to be my girl. I want you to come home to me every day, not sneak in my bedroom when the coast is clear.”
She reaches for me but I grab her hand and push her back. “No, I think you need to go.”
The shock on her face surprises me. This is something she should’ve seen coming.
She wraps my long hoodie around her and turns her head. I think she doesn’t want me to see her cry, but I hate to break it to her, I’ve seen it enough times to have it play on a loop in my head.
Usually, this is about the time I comfort her. I tell her I love her and everything is going to be okay and all that bullshit. But I don’t. I stand there motionless and watch her make a decision.
She sniffs once, looking up at me. “I know there’s going to come a time when you’re not going to be there. I know that one day I’m going to push you too far and I’ll never get you back.” Her voice starts to break, but she continues. “And I’m terrified for that day.” She wipes a tear from her eye. “But what scares me the most is waking up one morning like Tess. Finding out that the person I love the most in this entire world is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
I shake my head. “Nothing is going to happen to me.”
She lets out a strangled sob. “Don’t you think Walker went to bed every night thinking the same thing? I can’t be all in with you and then lose you like that.” She pulls her hands into her chest, shaking with a strangled sob. “This is not the life I pictured for us. I know I was hard on you, but I only wanted what was best for you. I’m not strong like Tess. I can’t handle it.”
The urge to hug her is too much and I bring her back to my chest. She squeezes me tight and I rest my chin on the top of her head.
“It’s over, Sloan. It ended with me.”
“You promise?” she whispers.
“Yes.”
The lie comes easily because it’s partially true. I only have a six-inch scar on my abdomen to remind me. No big deal. There will come a time when the debts will need settled, but not until we lay our brother to rest. That was the deal, and so, they’re sticking to it.
13
Until I See You Again
Tess- Now
I’m wearing a blue dress today. I think it’s customary for the widow to wear black, but today is for Walker. He said he loved when I wore this color because it brought out my eyes. Actually, he always said I looked beautiful no matter what I wore. He was so perfect to me that his flaws didn’t matter.
It took a long time for him to be honest with me about what the guys were doing. It was after Jeremy died when they told me. They downplayed the severity of it, but at least I wasn’t in the dark anymore. By that point, whether I wanted to leave or not, I was in too deep. I loved him so much that if he told me we had to bury bodies in our basement I would have stayed. Hell, I would have helped him dig. That’s what love is. Doing things you could never even imagine for the person you love because you know without a doubt they would do it for you.
This is not the first time I visited his grave site, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty for not coming more often. I can’t feel him here. At home, he’s everywhere. He’s in every room, every smell, every sound—but here, it’s just a cold, slab of granite with his name on it.
I pull a tissue out of my bag so I don’t ruin my make-up before the memorial. If I thought the funeral was tough, this will be worse. It will be the last time everyone will be thinking about him at the same time. Except for me. Thinking about Walker has become a full-time job. He haunts every corner of my mind no matter what time of day or what I’m doing.