“I made up with Perry,” I say, my voice cutting through the silence. “It was hard, but I think I needed to. I know how much he loved you and I know how much he wanted to be here. I tried so hard to stay strong and do this on my own, but I can’t. I need him.”
The tears are already falling too fast to stop them and I wipe under my eyes. “I want you to know that every moment I spent with you is something I cherished. I loved you every single second of those five years with my entire heart. I never thought I could physically hurt from missing someone so much, but I do.” I laugh bitterly through my tears. “I would give anything to have you walk through the door one more time. I would hug you a little bit longer and I’d beg you to take me with you.”
My body racks with sobs, blinding my vision. “I would have saved every voicemail you ever left me so I could hear your voice for longer than just a few seconds. I would have done so many things differently because I had no idea how short forever was going to be. I need more time.”
I drop to my knees, disregarding the dampness of the grass or the stockings on my legs and lay my head on the cold stone. My tears roll down my cheeks and I close my eyes. “I need more time,” I whisper.
For the first time since he left, I can feel him.
Thankfully, I had an extra pair of sheer stockings in my dresser. Showing up with grass stains on my knees may have raised a few eyebrows. I’m just finishing retouching my make-up when I spot my wedding band on the dresser. I took it off last week in an attempt to put some distance between me and my grief. How long does it take to move on from something like this when you’ve only had seven months to process it? At this rate, I don’t think I ever will. I slide it back in place and make my way downstairs.
I ride to the church with my parents. They are big comfort to me because they know firsthand how to cope with loss. When we pull into the parking lot, Perry is leaning against his car smoking a cigarette. For some reason it makes me smile. He’s exactly the same and I think that’s the biggest comfort of them all. I’ve missed him terribly.
I get out of the car and walk to him, noticing he’s wearing his court clothes. Tie and all.
“You clean up real nice,” I say, patting his shoulder.
My attempt at casual conversation isn’t lost on him. He gives a sad smile back. “Thank you, Bishop.” He nods to my dress. “Walker would have lost his mind if he saw you in that. You look beautiful.”
I let my fingers run across the silky fabric and look to the ground. “Well, I wanted to wear something to let him know I was thinking about him.”
Perry grabs my chin suddenly and looks me dead in the eyes. “He always knows. You know that, right?”
All I can do is nod. I’m barely holding it together as it is.
“I guess we better get in there,” he says, snubbing his butt out on the ground and kicking it in under his car. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pack of mints and offers one to me.
I take it, because I don’t know what else to do in this moment. I don’t want to go in there. Walker isn’t here. He’s buried three miles up the road.
Perry shoves his hands in his pockets and nods to the large double doors.
“Your parents are headed inside. Should we go in?”
I look around at the packed parking lot and panic strikes me. There are so many people here. When we had the funeral, I was so beside myself we only allowed close family to attend. Another large factor was that it didn’t feel right saying our final goodbyes if Perry couldn’t be there.
“I guess we should.”
I take an unsteady step toward the church and Perry’s hand reaches for mine. I look down at our intertwined fingers and back up to his face.
“Is this okay?”
I fight the tears for the hundredth time today, and with my voice completely broken, I whisper, “Don’t let go.”
All eyes drift to us as we walk through the doors. I’ve been preparing myself for this moment for so long I almost don’t know how to feel right now. What I do know is that each step is a little bit easier because Perry is beside me.
Sloan and Johnny are off in the corner chatting with several of Walker’s classmates and I notice Perry doesn’t even glance in her direction. I’m hoping they’re both mature enough not to cause a scene here. We take our seats in the front pew, next to my parents and Walker’s dad. His mother passed away when he was very young, so none of us even got the chance to meet her.
My father eyes Perry and the hand that is connected to mine. I never knew how to feel about how my father was to Perry. I could never figure out if he liked him or not. My mom, on the other hand, loves him. He has a certain charisma that must only affect the ladies.
Walker’s dad, Todd, leans down to me. “You doing okay, sweetheart? You look pretty.”
I smile back, but it’s incredibly difficult when all I want to do is scream. “Thank you. I’m doing the best that I can.”
He reaches over and shakes Perry’s hand. “Good to see you, son. You need to come by soon. Catch up under—well, better circumstances.”
Perry nods. “Yes, sir. That would be nice.”
The quiet chatter dies down as the pastor takes the podium. All ceremonies begin the same, with same words of comfort, the same hymns sung, and same sentiment expressed no matter who has passed. I drown most of it out until it gets to the part where friends and family are asked to speak. I’m still on the fence about it. I don’t know if I can.
Surprisingly, Perry stands first. He leans down and kisses my cheek before releasing my hand and walking to the podium. He reaches for something in his jacket pocket and then thinks better of it, closing the button and gripping the sides of the podium.
“I had a speech prepared for probably the first time in my life. I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to say about my best friend. The problem was I could never come up with the words to describe him in the way that he deserved.” He smiles, and then shrugs. “You had to know him. He was always happy. If he was ever having a bad day, you would never know it. He made sure the ones he loved came first, no matter what he had going on.”
Perry pauses and looks to me. “And there’s no one on this earth that he loved more than Tess. He loved you and I know he would have given up anything to be with you right now.” The struggle in his voice is coming out more and more. He clears his throat. “I wish everyone could have known him the way we did. They say only the good die young,” he lets out a bitter laugh. “Well, if that’s true then He took two of the best. There’s nothing I can say to fill the void we have in our hearts, but I can tell you one thing. Walker wouldn’t have wanted us to be sad. I know that’s not possible, but I can see him shaking his head up there at everyone crying for him.”
Perry pauses, swallowing roughly. “And I’d have to tell him to suck it up, because we love him.” He stops and points to the ceiling. “I miss you, brother.”
That’s when all the remaining composure leaves me. When Perry retakes his seat, I sob into his chest. He doesn’t let go until the last person speaks, and even then, I don’t want him to. I didn’t have the strength to get up there myself, but he already knows everything I have to say.