"It's good to have self-worth." I told him.
"That's the right answer." Ferdie said. "I was just checking. Even if you do end up together, the fact you know you can earn your own cash will make you not feel so powerless if he's being all macho."
"Ferdie, are you some re-incarnation of an old soul, because that's very wise?"
"Nah, I just eavesdrop on the folks." He admitted, grinning.
"Thank you for all your help, bro." I told him truthfully. "I couldn't have done this without you."
"And I couldn't do this without you. Without you having a contract being drawn up with the band, I couldn't help you with designing items that are going to fly off your website."
"You mean Etsy?"
"Nope." He logged into the computer and showed me a page.
Freya Steel Designs.
He'd thought of everything. There was an introduction about me, space for photos of the work, and a direct store linked up for purchasing.
"Mum helped with the 'about me' bit, cos I'll be honest, I don't really listen to you when you're just rabbiting on. The areas that are currently blank are things I need to ask you questions about, or that you need to decide on."
I started to cry.
"Oh shit. Don't you like it?"
"I bl- bloody love it, and you, Ferdie."
"Ugh, don't cry, it weirds me out."
"I c- can't help it. It's awesome." I sniffled.
"If you look across the buttons on the top you can see this one says THE PARANORMALS. You click it and look…"
He clicked and it went through to another page set out for the products connected to the band.
"This keeps it as part of your collections, but also separate, so if Freya Steel Designs takes off on her own, or you decided you didn't want anything else to do with The Paranormals, it can be separated."
"You've thought of everything."
"Hey, I'm not being altruistic here. I'm ready to get this show on the road and make a shitload of cash, sis. If it's okay with you, I want to get cracking with the t-shirts and other branded items, leave the jewellery to you. So, is that good? Can I take The Paranormals and get started?"
"As long as you still go to school and pass your exams."
He sighed. "God, okay. It's like having another mother around the place. Can't you go have your own kids with Rex Colton and sod off now? It's been great and all, but we can have a biz meeting once a week. Only, I was using your room to keep my fags and printers in. I could do with it back."
He'd set me off thinking. The sad fact was that after being in Rex's close proximity for almost two weeks, I was missing him. I kept thinking of the nice moments we'd shared, the fantastic sex, and even when he'd been an annoying alpha, he'd just been being him. If only I felt he liked me. If I could be confident he wanted me and it wasn't all down to this bloody bond. Until then I just didn't see how I could give him a chance. I'd always wonder if he really loved me, or whether it was just the wolf bond that made him think he did.
On Monday morning at eleven I had a surprise visitor.
John.
I opened the front door to find him standing on the doorstep.
"Oh God. What do you want?" I sagged against the doorframe.
"Just to apologise and talk, Freya. I texted your mum and she told me you were here."
"I don't know…"
"We were together for a year, Freya, and you just ended things so quickly. I'd really like an opportunity to talk to you. Maybe then I can accept we're through and not do ridiculous declarations in shopping centres."
"Fiiiiine. Come in."
I made us both a drink and got a packet of biscuits out and we sat at the kitchen table. For someone who I'd thought I was in love with, as he sat in front of me, I realised that I'd felt more for Rex—even when he was ignoring me—in that short time, than I’d ever felt for this man sat here.
"I'm sorry, John. I didn't treat you right, and I apologise. You're right. I ended things abruptly and I should have done it better."
"I'd thought things were good."
Running a hand through my hair, I looked him directly in his eyes. "They were. They were good. They just weren't great. Not when I actually sat and thought about how I felt. The truth is I'd not finished things between us because I did enjoy your company and I did think a lot about you."
"You said you loved me." He interrupted.
"I thought I did." I admitted.
His shoulders slumped. "But now you realise you didn't. It's because of him, isn't it?"
"It is, but we're not together, John. I don't know if we ever will be, but there's something there, some chemistry, that we just didn't have. And you can't blame Rex because I realised and ended this before I went on to spend the week with them."
"Have you slept with him?" John stared at me and turned away. "Don't answer that. It's not my business. I can see that. Not anymore."
I placed my hand over his. "We just weren't enough, and I need you to know that one day hopefully we'll both find someone who is enough."
"I thought I’d found someone before, was getting engaged to them." He said. Guilt consumed me that I'd let this man flirt with me in my job and stole him from a potential future wife. It was like John had read my mind because he said:
"Oh fuck it. You might as well know. There was never any fiancée. I just fancied you and thought that was a way in."
"What?"
"I thought I'd show my interest while playing hard to get and it worked, didn't it?"
"John, I've spent so much time feeling guilty about my actions. That I'd taken another woman's man. The only reason I continued was because I'd thought you would have split up anyway given you were clearly not that interested in her if you'd been flirting so heavily with me." I finished the last of my drink. "Our relationship was based on a lie, and I came to it with a part of myself I didn't like. A mistake. I would never do that to another woman now. It's made me feel sick to my stomach about having hurt someone else."
"Well, you can get over it now, because there never was anyone."
I huff-laughed. "You don't get it, do you? Whether they were real or not, I made the wrong decision, and I know now that being with you was a total wrong decision. Especially after the fiasco with Joelle and the double proposal."
He looked down at the floor.
I stood up. "Thank you for coming, John. It's really helped me to clarify what we had and put things in perspective. I hope you do meet the right woman soon. Maybe if you don't lie to her, and don't act like an idiot, you'll have more success. I know I've certainly learned lessons from this relationship."
He stood up himself. "I came here hoping for another chance, but I see now, we are completely over. Your heart belongs with Rex. I can see it clear as day. Why can't you?"
I let him out of the house and closed the door behind him. I was left feeling a sense of sadness and regret about me and John, and with a yearning inside me to see Rex again. But he'd not been in contact with me. His message was clear.