“Thank you,” Hawk said as he set Casper on the desk. “You won’t need this much longer.” He handled Casper’s hand like it was delicate and priceless as he cleaned and re-taped the saline lock. It made Casper shiver and Hawk’s head tipped to the side in concern. “Are you feeling feverish?” He asked as he reached for the thermometer.
“No,” Casper breathed but he held still as Hawk held it in front of his forehead. Would he laugh if I tried to kiss him? His lips were so close and so perfect. Casper remembered his own scorched lips and shut his eyes and savored the taste of Hawk’s breath. He took out his trusty pen light to check his pupil and it was excruciating for a moment, as Hawk’s breath huffed against Casper’s lips. “Maybe,” he admitted weakly.
“You’re fine,” Hawk whispered as he cupped the shredded half of Casper’s face. “I’m not going to let Blink influence what I do or how I feel, especially when it comes to you and your leg. My feelings and my sex life aren’t his business and I’m glad you’re not letting him tell you how to live.”
“I won’t let him tell me how to live,” Casper mumbled as he lost himself in Hawk’s soft hazel eyes. Live? Is that something we’re doing now? He pulled a face and waved it off. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
“Are you talking to me or...” Hawk teased but Casper nodded solemnly.
“It’s been a loud night but we’ve come to a consensus and decided you can take the leg,” he informed Hawk as he tapped his temple. Hawk cringed as he looked at his bag.
“Great… Do you want to muffle that with a little morphine or share a joint? How bad is the pain?” He asked and Casper’s heart flipped again at Hawk’s thoughtfulness. Casper had absolutely no experience with romance but he felt faint at the idea of getting high with Hawk and their lips touching the same joint.
“I wouldn’t mind smoking,” he squeaked then cleared his throat and grinned. “I’m surprised, doctor. Shouldn’t you know better?” He asked and Hawk rolled his eyes as he gathered Casper in his arms.
“Your lungs sound fine and you’ll find a thousand ways to kill yourself before the pot could,” he said and once again, he was gentle as he lowered Casper onto the bed on the floor. It made him even more anxious and Casper almost held on when Hawk released him and rose.
“What about you?” Casper asked as Hawk went to his bag. Hawk tossed him a cocky grin and Casper worried that his stomach would never feel right again.
“My lungs are fine and I’ll find a thousand ways to kill myself before the pot could.”
“Is that something you’re looking forward to?” Casper held his breath as Hawk pulled his sweatshirt over his head. His t-shirt pulled up, revealing the long, toned muscles in his back and Casper swallowed hard. Hawk was broad-shouldered and tall but his body was lean and sculpted. He moved with an easy, athletic grace that made Casper anxious and it was almost impossible to look away. Hawk gave the front of his shirt a tug then held up a preroll as he approached the bed.
“I’m not in a hurry but I’ve never been good at staying out of trouble or avoiding danger. I’ll share this with you but you’re going to share something with me in return,” he purred as he set his knee on the mattress. Casper nodded quickly. He couldn’t remember what Hawk was offering but he yearned to give him whatever he wanted.
“Sure...” Casper breathed as he leaned forward. “What do you want?”
“Great!” Hawk said and scrambled onto the bed and turned so he could sit next to Casper. He rested his back against the wall and stretched his legs and crossed his ankles. “I want you to tell me about yourself and why you work for Blink.”
“Oh.” Casper didn’t like that and he heard a whisper warning him that Hawk was gathering information and learning his weaknesses. “Why...?” He asked warily and Hawk turned so he could give him a flat look.
“Because I want to understand,” he stated then widened his eyes at Casper as he held up the joint. “This feels like a pretty intimate thing and I can tell that you want to trust me. Go with it. Go all in and help me because I want to trust you too and something tells me that you want me to understand.”
“Do you think I’ll be less of a monster if you understand where I came from and why I do the terrible things I do?” Casper asked. It came out as a shaky growl as he turned his face away, partly out of shame but also because Hawk was right. He wanted Hawk to understand how he came to be such a ghastly beast but Casper didn’t think the truth would make him less repulsive.
“I don’t think that’s possible, since I don’t think you’re a monster,” Hawk said and nudged Casper with his elbow as he lit the joint and took a long drag. “You can’t be less of something you’re not, can you?” He asked tightly as he held in the smoke.
“I guess not,” Casper whispered but he was mesmerized as Hawk’s lips pursed before he pushed out a long plume of smoke. Hawk hummed happily as he pinched the joint between his fingers and raised it to his lips again.
“Bradley buys really nice weed,” he noted and took another hit. He held it for a moment then exhaled. “Tell me about your mother. We all either adore or were ruined by our mothers, right?”
“We?” Casper asked as he took the joint from Hawk.
“Queer danger junkies, like us,” Hawk said and Casper coughed before the thing even touched his lips.
“What?!”
“It’s alright. I don’t know anyone who’s going to care but I’m not going to tell anyone your business,” Hawk reassured him. Casper glared out of the side of his eye as he raised the joint then shook his head before he set it between his lips. He shut his eye and savored the faint dampness and suppressed a shiver at the idea of his lips touching something Hawk’s lips had just touched. He lit the joint and pulled in a deep drag and held it. There was a rush of lightness and the front of Casper’s brain and his face began to tingle. The feeling spread down his arms and he laughed softly as his body became lighter.
“That is very nice. What is that?” He asked as he turned the joint and sniffed at it.
“Ummm... MK Ultra,” Hawk recalled and Casper laughed again as he took his second hit. It was a very appropriate name; he was feeling a little like a Top Secret experiment. He usually went straight for morphine when he wanted to get high because it was easier for Casper to get pharmaceutical drugs and specimens than street drugs. Decent street drugs required knowing people and building rapport with dealers. “So, do you hate your mom or are you obsessed with her?” Hawk teased as Casper handed him the joint. Casper shook his head as he exhaled.
“I don’t know if I ever had a mother. Sometimes, I think my father made me in his lab and that I must have been another one of his mistakes because I came out so terribly wrong.”
“What do you mean? Why don’t you know who your mother is?” Hawk asked. Casper’s nose wrinkled as he considered.
“He said he stole me from a woman at a train station but I don’t seem like a thing a woman could make. But, my father... He made me.”
“He made you?” Hawk frowned as he held his breath then pushed out a cloud of smoke. “He sounds like an actual monster.”