“He was brilliant but feeble and they laughed at him because he was paranoid and obsessed. He thought he could make the world fear him and he wanted me to live in fear,” Casper said and pointed at his face then waved at his leg.
“What happened to your face?” Hawk asked but it was a hard, low whisper. Casper laughed as he gestured airily with the joint.
“He said I was like Icarus and that it was my hubris that cost me my face. Except that my father wasn’t like Daedalus and he never tried to stop me from flying into the sun or crashing into the sea. I was six and he wanted me to demonstrate how to make mustard gas using the Meyer process. I insisted that the Levenstein process was superior because it resulted in a higher HD—by as much as 17%. Which was true but he let me blow off half of my face instead of warning me that I’d grabbed the hypochlorous acid instead of the hydrochloric acid.”
“Holy shit,” Hawk breathed shakily. “That’s... Holy shit, I’m sorry.”
“It didn’t work, though. It only made me more determined to fly higher and prove I was better than him. He loathed me and beat me because of my leg. He wouldn’t let a real doctor help me and insisted on treating me himself. But he wasn’t interested in curing me or healing me; he was interested in seeing how he could warp me. So, I learned to bide my time and in the end, I taught him to fear me.”
“What did you do?” Hawk asked but Casper clicked his teeth.
“I don’t think you want to know and it’s not something you’d understand,” he said.
“I’m beginning to. I don’t want to believe you’re capable of killing your father but I’m beginning to suspect that he might have deserved it,” Hawk mused and Casper chuckled wryly as he took a hit. He recalled the last time he saw his father and felt a tickle of delight.
“He absolutely deserved death but I left him in...mostly good health. But I did take his eyes so he’d never be able to create another weapon or gaze upon this,” he said as he pointed at his face. “He loved to watch me suffer and he’d keep me at the table long after dinner, so he could enjoy my damaged face as he enjoyed his cigar. He’d tell me about his twisted plans and all the people he’d destroy for laughing at him. And he thought he was grooming me to hate them. He thought he was twisting me and fashioning me into the ultimate weapon and that he’d turn me loose on them one day.”
“Them?” Hawk asked before he smoked.
“The Department of Defense. My father was a microbiologist but he was a bit of a conspiracy nut. He was eventually let go and he wanted to make them pay.”
“How?” Hawk’s head pushed forward in concern and Casper snorted before he smoked.
“A massive attack against a handful of bases on the East Coast. The water supply,” he supplied before Hawk could ask. “I never liked the idea of collateral damage or hurting the innocent, in general. So, I burned his eyes with mustard gas and sold his formula for a new G-series nerve agent to the Department of Defense, after I showed them what it could do if they crop dusted an Haqqani death squad with it. I left dad blind and didn’t give him a penny of the money I made.”
“Wow...” Hawk whispered then gave his head a shake. “What did you do with the money?” He asked. Casper’s head fell back against the wall as he sighed.
“Gladys,” he groaned and hugged his chest as he missed her. “She was my family and my home.”
“You bought a woman?”
“No! How would...? Why...?” Casper threw him a hostile look. “I bought a van. She was a ‘74 Dodge Tradesman and she had everything I needed and we had history. I turned her into my mobile lab and hung a hammock in the back when I needed to sleep. She had all my most dangerous and devious specimens and creations and so many pretty weapons but an asshole with an RPG named O’Malley blew her up and nearly killed me,” he said mournfully and took a long drag. He held the joint up and Hawk apologized as he took it.
“I’d say that was almost as bad as losing an actual woman but you seem to be in a much healthier place than I was.”
“Ah. All those friends with benefits?” Casper guessed and Hawk nodded.
“I thought she broke me for good and that the only thing I had left to offer were jagged, rusty scraps.”
“How did you lose her?”
“I... I wanted so bad to be exactly who she thought I was. But she was young and naive and didn’t realize that being that man doesn’t leave a lot of time for the really sexy perks she thought came with the hotshot surgeon lifestyle.”
“What was she expecting?” Casper asked in disgust. Hawk was... He was the first real thing Casper had ever wanted and he would have fought like hell and risked everything to keep him.
“She was bright-eyed and ambitious like most young reporters, and she thought there’d be more than long hours and sweat-soaked scrubs. She thought I’d ride all the media attention to the top and that there would be sexy parties with hospital executives and politicians and she wanted me to get on one of those daytime shows. She thought I was in it for the fame and fast cars but I didn’t want any of that. I just wanted to cut and put people back together. I lived for the adrenaline and the thrill of beating death and salvaging flesh and bone.”
“Fuck, that’s hot,” Casper murmured.
“What?”
“Fuck, that’s a lot.”
“I guess...” Hawk said and Casper shook his head quickly.
“She wanted a lot. From you,” he added clumsily and Hawk raised a shoulder.
“Maybe. Maybe not. Ted Wellner seems to be enough.”
“Who’s Ted Wellner?” Casper asked. Hawk winced as his head hung and he scrubbed his hair. It smelled fresh and clean and Casper locked his jaw to hold back a whimper.
“He’s Chief of Medicine at one of the hospitals I used to work at and the reason I can’t operate in hospitals anymore,” he said and Casper chewed on his lip as he recalled what he read about the circumstances around the suspension of Hawk’s medical license.
“I thought you lost a patient and assaulted the Chief of Medicine because he wouldn’t allow you to operate,” Casper said and Hawk nodded.
“I definitely hit him because of the patient. The first time. It felt so good and I remembered how fucking humiliated I was about Kayla, I hit him again and broke his jaw.”
“Fuck, that’s hot,” Casper sighed under his breath.
“What?”
“Fuck, that’s hot,” Casper repeated and Hawk laughed. You’d have to be dead from the neck down not to think so.
“I thought it was. I went straight to Maisie’s and finally moved on. It had been almost a year and I’d had it with Ted rubbing it in my face. I kicked his ass all the way through medical school and our residencies and he was still bitter when I came back after the Army. He did everything he could to get back at me but I thought he was over it, since he was engaged to my former fiancée.
“Letting bygones be bygones does seem like the gentlemanly thing to do,” Casper agreed.
“You really do understand,” Hawk said and gave Casper another gentle nudge. “But you’re supposed to be helping me understand you.”