Wilder~
P.S. It’s a little nosey, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from a fool of a Took.
P.P.S. It’s called Pegasus.
JAX
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 16 6:47 AM
SUBJECT: Too early for pet names
Wilder,
Sorry I fell asleep and didn’t get your message until this morning. Don’t have a lot of time before I have to leave for work but wanted to say thanks. I hope that’s true, what you said about forgiveness. I feel like I’ve got a lot of fixing to do, but what you said… It gives me hope.
Talk to you soon,
Jordan (not a murderer)
P.S. It’s a little early in the morning for sex toys and pet names.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 16 10:33 AM
SUBJECT: RE: Too early for pet names
My Precious,
How in the hell are you able to get up at six in the morning? I don’t think there are enough dollars in the world that would get me out of bed that early. Though… I do think I could be persuaded if there were donuts involved. Maple glazed only. Everything else is garbage, in my opinion.
Also, don’t think I didn’t notice the whole lack of acknowledgement of the “Ethan situation.” Will you see him today?
Wilder~
P.S. It is NEVER too early in the morning for sex toys.
My laugh was muted by the loud clap of thunder outside. The kitchen window rattled with the wind as I finished reading Wilder’s message. I was at home, sitting at the kitchen table, with a dumbass grin on my face. I was glad my mom had gone next door to help Ms. Arlene with something, or she’d have about a thousand questions for me if she’d seen my expression. She hadn’t forgiven me yet for breaking things off with Mary. I should’ve been at work, but when I’d gotten there, I’d shown up to an empty house and sat in my car for a good thirty minutes before I’d called Jim. He’d forgotten to call me this morning to tell me the project had been put on hold until this weather system that was parked over us moved north, most likely Monday. The humidity was shit for painting, so I didn’t blame him, but it would’ve been nice to know before I’d woken up at the ass crack of dawn.
I reread Wild’s message, loving how much he was the same, but different. He’d definitely come into his own, and I envied him that. I wondered what he’d be like in person, and if the pictures he had on his website were real or photoshopped. Wild had grown into his jaw line, the boyishness of his cheeks had chiseled with time. Not all things had changed, though. He still had those long, graceful limbs, and full lips. Thinking about his mouth heated my skin, and I had to stand up to shake off the flow of blood to my crotch.
Music played loudly from Jason’s room as I walked by. He was situated and curled across his bed, reading one of his favorite wizard books. I knocked on the frame of the door.
“Jay, you mind if I borrow the laptop for a little bit?”
He sat up, letting the book fall into his lap. He yawned and brushed his hair from his eyes. “Sure, it’s on the desk.”
“Thanks.”
His desk was covered in drawings and books about tornadoes. For a guy who hated the weather, he sure loved to read about it.
“If it stops raining, can we go to the beach later?” he asked, falling back against his pillows.
“I don’t think the weather is gonna let up for a couple days.”
He sighed and brought his attention back to his book.
“We could always go and watch the waves from the car. If you want?”
“But it’s raining,” he said, licking his finger and flipping a page.
I smiled and his tension eased. “I’ll let you pick all the songs.”
“Deal.”
I tucked the laptop under my arm.
“We’ll head out when mom gets home, alright?”
When he nodded, I figured that was all the answer I was going to get, and I headed to my room. With the door locked behind me, I settled on my bed. My back against the headboard, I set the laptop on my thighs and opened it. The browser window stared back at me, waiting for my next move. Anxiety rooted itself inside my gut. After a minute, I gave in and searched for the dating app Wilder had told me about. I read through the terms and conditions, typed in my email address, and date of birth, and just like that, I had a profile. It was blank, but it was there. I chose my username, mjordanfan0713, but left the picture blank. I skipped over the bio and went straight to the search feature.
I tried several different versions of Wilder’s name and found nothing. Frustrated, I shut the laptop. Why the hell was I even looking for him in the first place. I was like a teenager with a crush, and I was a grown ass man. I opened the laptop again and typed in Ethan’s name and almost choked when a picture of him, lying shirtless in the sand, popped up. Ethan was gay. I said the words out loud a few times to wrap my head around the idea, and then clicked on his profile. According to his bio, he lived in Florida, no city specified, and was into soccer, fishing, and bottoming. My face flushed. I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead trying to ease away my growing headache.
As the seconds passed, I became more irrationally angry. My stomach revolted as I thought about all the times Ethan had smiled at me, looked at me longer than most would consider polite. That day when he’d given us a ride home, the smell of him on my skin from his shirt, I never wanted to like it. But I did. Resentment boiled up inside of me and I opened my eyes. I flipped through all of his pictures, all of his smiles. Those warm, coppery eyes. Did he know? Could he see through my lies? Would he expose them? I clicked out of his profile and then deleted my own.
Ethan’s sexuality scared the shit out of me. Everything about my life in Bell River was about being straight and Christian and worthy. And Ethan’s open, flirty smile threatened that. It rattled the doors I’d been hiding behind because, damn it, as much as I tried not to, maybe I’d noticed him too. My palms were damp as I closed the search browser and opened up my emails.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 16 11:17 AM
SUBJECT: RE: Too early for pet names
How is it that you knew Ethan was gay before I did, and you don’t even know him? How am I that stupid?
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 16 11:25 AM
SUBJECT: RE: Too early for pet names
You are not stupid. Denial is a powerful drug. Listen, we all have some level of internalized homophobia, right? The world tells us it’s Male/Female, all day every day. In the shit we read, the media, the history books, the churches… I could go on, but I’m more interested in how you came around to the revelation about our Ethan. You’re not stupid, you’re programmed.