Humiliation soured in my stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
I pushed past him, my shoulder clipping his arm, as I moved across the room. I didn’t hear or see anything. Everything was a colorful blur as I made my way to the bathroom. Thank God it was empty. Turning on the faucet, I caught my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and wide. Alone, I allowed myself to break down. I hung my head, unable to look at my face and let the tears fall. I braced myself on the edge of the sink, letting the anger boil over as I yelled hard enough my throat ached. The music was too loud for anyone to hear me. Tipping my head back, I glared at the ceiling. I wanted to punch something. Did his dad really die? And what about his brother… I knew Jax’s home life was shit, but would he really make all of that up? And for what, to hurt me? I’d bled enough for the both of us.
I lowered my eyes to the mirror as he walked through the bathroom door. We stared at each other through the glass as he rested his back against the wall, his cheeks as wet as mine.
“Was any of it true?” I asked and turned off the faucet.
“All of it,” he said, his tone low and pained. I turned to face him. “Everything I told you… it’s all true. Everything except my name.”
“Your dad died?”
He nodded. “I was gonna tell him about us over break. Figured if he was pissed, he’d at least wait until after Christmas to throw me out, and then maybe by then he would’ve had a chance to cool down. Change his mind.” More tears streamed down his face and it gutted me. But his betrayal was a knife in my back. I stayed silent and listened. “He’d taken Jason fishing, but he’d had too much to drink, and with the rain that night…” He wiped at his eyes. “He drove them both into the river. He died and my brother drowned. Jason is lucky to be alive.” His laugh bitter, he whispered, “At least that’s what the doctors said.”
“I’m sorry.”
I hated apologies. The word sorry meant nothing without an action to prove it. I’m sorry was an excuse, a consolation for guilt. It didn’t matter if I was sorry for him or not. It didn’t change anything. It didn’t pull the car out of the river. It didn’t take a drink out of his father’s hand. It didn’t break the silence Jax had imprisoned me in for almost a decade.
“And the worst part of it…” he said, bowing his head. “Is that I can’t shake the thought it was my fault.” He raised his bloodshot eyes. “I thought everything that happened was a punishment for what we’d done. Me and you being together. Our love. It was a sin, and I had to pay for that.”
His words were a sharp slap across my face.
“Is that why you’re here?” I accused him and he flinched. “To blame me for what happened? To shove your bible bullshit down my throat?”
“What?” Confusion twisted his brow as he pushed off the wall. “Wild, listen to me.”
I held up my hands and hated how they shook. “I don’t want to hear it, Jaxon. You’ve said enough.” I took a step toward the door and he grabbed my arm.
“Damn it, Wild, just wait a second.”
“Let go of me,” I demanded, my voice too calm, too low.
A spike of adrenaline coursed through me when he didn’t release his grip. The heat of his palm soaked into my skin as he pulled me closer. “You don’t understand. It’s not like that. Wild, I’m in—”
“You’re a fucking liar.” I tried to pull away again and failed. “And you used me as some kind of sick confessional…” I tried a different tactic and leaned in, close enough I could feel his breath on my lips. “This past month? Was that my punishment? Or was it the nine goddamn years you left me in the dark, wondering if you were alive or dead, or if you’d done something stupid…” My voice cracked, all of it, every terrible thought, every fear, every worry I’d carried around for so long rushed down my face. “Do you know how many times I thought you might’ve killed yourself, that maybe you couldn’t live with what had happened between us.”
Jax dropped his hand, the color in his cheeks drained.
“Stay the fuck away from me, Jaxon. I don’t need your kind of punishment. I know who I am.”
JAX
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Aug 11 10:47 PM
SUBJECT: I’m sorry
Wild,
I’m sorry isn’t enough for what I’ve done. I know that. But I am... I’m sorry for cutting you out of my life. I’m sorry for making you worry like you did. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t every fucking thing to me. The night my father died, and Jason got hurt, everything that happened was all too big for me. I didn’t think about anything except surviving each second, remembering how to breathe. I was young and stupid and blamed myself. And like I told you tonight, I thought God had punished me for loving you. And I’ve struggled with that every day since.
But you didn’t let me finish what I wanted to say before you left. And I probably don’t deserve the chance to explain myself. Like I told you before, some things I’ve done in my life are unforgivable. But what I did to you all this time, treating you the way I did, it will forever be my biggest sin.
I should’ve called you that night. I should’ve told you how alone and forsaken I felt. I’m not good with words like you, Wild. Never have been and never will be. But I know that the love I had for you has never faded. Those first few years, when me and my mom were trying to help Jason, trying to pay for everything, and waiting on insurance payments that came months too late, we tried to pick up the pieces. There were times I wanted to die, wished I’d been in that car instead of Jason. I hated myself, and maybe I still do.
When I read your book and read about us, it was like watching my life, but through a different lens. You wrote about me like I was special. Like I was worth something. For the first time in nine years I thought maybe I wasn’t this dark and twisted thing. That our love was good. And it was… good. And I reached out to you because I wanted to tell you… you had to know. That your book saved me. Even when I didn’t deserve being saved. I never meant to keep writing you. Never meant for it to go beyond that one email. But it was hard to let you go all over again. I should’ve told you the truth. I should’ve told you I was a coward. But I guess you know that now. I regret so many things, but hurting you, I’ll never forgive myself. I’m sorry for… everything.
Jax~
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Aug 12 12:33 PM
SUBJECT: One last thing
Wild,
I’m not sure if you’ll read this or if you even read the other email I sent last night, but Jim’s inside the gas station grabbing a drink before we head back to Bell River, and I don’t have a lot of time. I wanted to make sure you understood me last night. Everything we’ve talked about this past month was real. Everything. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. Be out and happy and live like you do. And maybe if I hadn’t been so damn confused and scared all those years ago, I might’ve had a chance at a life. I’d like to think my life would’ve been with you, but now I’ll never know.