I didn’t want to cry for Jax anymore. I had every right to be angry. I’d already given him too much of my time and my heart. But all the words he’d given me, they swam inside my head, and I hated him for making me feel guilty.
“Hey.” Anders ran his fingers up my arm. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah.”
My stomach dropped as he leaned down and kissed me once, twice, and when I didn’t respond, he pulled away.
“June will be here soon.” He spoke without emotion and stepped out of the shower.
I shut off the water and he handed me a towel. We got dressed in a weighted silence, but even so, I did feel better.
“Thank you,” I said, but he didn’t look up from where he sat on the edge of my bed, tying his shoes. “For being here.”
A spark of irritation furrowed his brow. “I’ll always be here, Wilder. Whenever you need it.” He stood, shoving his hands into his pockets. “That’s what I do for the people I love. I show up.” The alarm his words conjured inside me must have been written across my face. He laughed. “Calm down. It wasn’t a declaration.” Anders crossed the room. Standing in front of me, he brushed a curl of hair from my eyes. “I do… love you. How could I not?”
“I love you too, you know that.”
He kissed my forehead. “Too bad it’s not enough.”
“You’re too good for me.” I tugged on the hem of his shirt.
“I am.” His bravado brought a smile to my lips. “Will you be okay?”
“It might take me a minute.”
He briefly took my hand in his, and with a gentle squeeze he let go. “Take all the time you need.”
About twenty minutes later June showed up at my front door. We had originally planned to go out for my birthday today, but as much as I loved Gwen, I needed some one-on-one time with my best friend without her too-adorable-for-words relationship being paraded for my misery.
“Has he tried to contact you?” June asked, sitting next to me on a stool. She poured an obscene amount of vodka into a glass half filled with tonic.
I pulled my phone from the back pocket of my jeans and handed it to her. “He emailed me. Twice.”
“Asshole.”
June entered in my password and tapped away on the screen. Once her fingers stopped moving, her lips whispered Jax’s words as she read. I stole the vodka from the counter and drank straight from the bottle. I coughed, the burn of the alcohol singeing my throat.
“Whoa… slow down. You’re not allowed to get wasted in your apartment on your birthday. Heartbreak or not, today is your thirtieth, and you will celebrate out in the real world, like an adult. You hearing me?”
I lifted my hand, mimicking a puppet talking and she smacked it.
“I am not in a celebratory mood,” I whined, taking another fiery gulp of alcohol.
She ignored me and finished reading Jax’s emails. “Jesus, this guy.”
“I know.”
“How sad.”
“I know.”
“Are you going to text him?”
“What?” The room was too warm. “Hell, no. I deleted his number.”
“You could just email him, then.” June took the bottle from my hand. “What he did, lying to you about his name, it’s messed up.”
“But…”
“But nothing. It’s messed up. He should have manned up and told you who he was from the get-go.”
“But…” I prompted.
June was predictably empathetic.
“But…” She winced when I kicked her foot. “He’s been through the wringer. His dad, his poor, sweet brother. He was young when this all went down.”
The ache in my chest spread through my limbs. I was dangerously close to crawling back into bed. My anger had been my anchor. But this guilt, it came at me in waves, shaking me loose from the justifications I’d used to hold me ashore all these years.
“He could have at least called. Something…” A sharp spike of pain cracked through my chest. “I understand, June. I can’t imagine what he went through. How alone he must have been. But at some point… he should have contacted me. Even if it was to say, ‘fuck off, you made me queer and now my dad is dead. P.S. I hate you.’”
“He obviously loved you… loves you. I’m not saying you should call him up and pretend it’s all just water under the bridge. But sometimes people do crazy shit to cope. Jax cut you out of his life, and you push everyone else out of yours.”
“You’re defending him?” I asked, incredulous.
Furious, I stood, putting some distance between us.
“I’m not defending him, I—”
“And what the hell does that mean? I haven’t pushed anyone out of my life?” My restless fury bubbled underneath my skin.
“Wilder,” she whispered my name, her sad eyes fixing on mine. “Jax abandoned you, and then your parents go and do the same thing… maybe you don’t push people away, but you sure as hell don’t let anyone in. Not really.”
Close to tears again, I took a deep breath. “I let you in.”
“I’m one person. Anders… that man loves you, and you don’t even care.” She held up her hand, silencing my retort. “I shouldn’t have said that. I know you care, and that’s why it makes me so damn mad. You have people in your life who want to be there for you. And you refuse to let them.”
I sagged against the back of my couch, exhaustion pulling me under. “I don’t love Anders like—”
“Like you love Jax.” She handed me my phone. “He made a big time, catastrophic, life-altering mistake. But the truth is… you love him, you always have.
“Whether I love him or not is irrelevant. How can I forgive him when I can’t figure out how to forgive myself?”
She leaned into me, her shoulder pressing against mine as she sat on the back of the couch. “Forgive yourself? What for?”
“I pushed him that night. Before he left campus. I wanted him to come out, I was tired of hiding all the time. He wasn’t ready and I pushed him. What if…” The room was too bright, the light from the kitchen cut through my head like a blade. “What if he wasn’t ready for any of it? June, he was so disgusted by our relationship that he convinced himself his father’s death was a punishment from God. If we never got together in the first place, he wouldn’t have that guilt.”
She shook her head, unwavering. “Nope, no way. If it wasn’t you then it would’ve been some other guy. Or maybe he’d blame it all on his impure thoughts. He’s gay. And not because of you. It’s not a choice, Wilder, and you know it.”
“Seeing him again… it’s like I’m back at Eastchester waiting for him in my room, wondering if tonight will be the night he decides he can’t do it anymore. I think not knowing what happened to him was the easier option.”
“Or… I know this might sound left field…” She smirked and I rolled my eyes. “You get the closure you desperately need and respond to him.”
“I don’t think I can. At least not right now. I’m too… raw. I don’t think I’d be receptive to anything he had to say.”