Ethan placed a steady hand on my shoulder. “I’m the one who should be sorry, alright. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“Kissed you back,” I managed to say through the chattering of my teeth. I was shaking from the inside out. I’d given him too much.
“Jax… I thought…” He swore and ran his hands through his hair. “I shouldn’t have done that. No matter how much I wanted to.” He stared at me, waiting for me to fall apart. “And God, I’ve wanted to do that for forever.”
Confused, I took a few deep breaths. “You have?”
“I wasn’t joking when I said you were my first crush. I always thought you were straight, though.”
“I am,” I argued, hearing how ridiculous I sounded even to my own ears.
“Jax…” He let my name hang in the air and it pissed me off.
I didn’t owe him an explanation.
“I can’t do this,” I said, my tone final as I pushed open the door.
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Act like that wasn’t fucking amazing.” He spoke, his anger heavy in his whisper.
The house was too quiet, the fear strangling me. Had my mom heard what he’d just said? Had she seen us kiss.
“It’s...” I stammered. “I’m not ready.”
Ethan’s shoulders relaxed.
“You don’t have to be. I can be here for you. If that’s what you want.”
I wanted Wild.
I wanted to reverse time and fix every stupid mistake I’d made.
“I think you should go.”
Hurt flashed across eyes, and he nodded, his jaw tight. “Yeah… I guess I should.”
“I’ll bring your things by the store tomorrow,” I said as he stepped off the porch.
Ethan paused, looking right through me with a confidence I’d never be able to wield. “A year ago, I was in the exact same situation as you. I went through a lot of it on my own and it sucked. When you’re ready, Jax. You know where to find me.”
WILDER
The bed shifted but I didn’t move. With my head buried under blankets and a pillow, I had no idea what time it was. My hair was matted against my forehead with sweat, and if I hadn’t already grown accustomed to it, my stench alone would have driven me out of hiding. But it was the light jingle of the bell that hung from Gandalf’s collar that finally pulled my head from the darkness. He hopped onto my chest with a soft meow.
“Go away,” I said, but lacked the energy to mean it.
He started to knead his little paws into my skin like he was making biscuits, purring loud enough that if I hadn’t already had a headache I would now.
“What?” I sat up onto my elbows. “Are you hungry?”
He curled into a ball on my lap, staring at me. I glanced into the bathroom and I could see he hadn’t eaten everything I’d given him the night before. Feeling less guilty, I lay back down and covered my eyes with my arm. It had been five days since Jax showed up with a grenade and destroyed the carefully constructed walls I’d built for myself.
“I’m fine.” Apparently, I’d moved on to the talking-to-your-pet phase of my depression. “My life is just fine.”
A total lie, but it didn’t matter. I was happy enough. I was successful. I had friends and lovers if I wanted. I didn’t need anything else. Love and all that other shit caused drama. Drama I didn’t want or need. I was perfectly dramatic on my own.
Gandalf stood and slinked his way along my side, into the crook of my arm. “I wouldn’t stay there if I were you,” I warned him. “We both know it’s been days since I showered.”
“Are you talking to yourself now?” Anders’s voice echoed in my aching head.
I sat up too quickly and black spots burst in my peripheral. Gandalf scampered away, and I rested my face in the palms of my hands. “How did you get in here?”
“June let me borrow her key. She told me I had one hour to drag your, and I quote, ‘skinny, drama queen ass out of bed.’” He chuckled and I raised my gaze.
“I’m such a joke.”
His smile faltered. “No… Wilder, I—”
“You shouldn’t have come here. Leave the key on the kitchen counter and get out.”
I pulled the sheets back with a force I didn’t think I’d have after not eating for—God, how long had it been? I didn’t care that I was naked. The pity in Anders’s eyes only served to infuriate me more, and as I stood on weak and unstable legs, I stumbled right into his arms.
I shoved my palms into his chest, pushing him away. But he had always been stronger than me. He wrapped his arms around my torso without a fight and pulled me closer. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’d tried to keep myself in check these past few days. Choosing sleep over reality. But I grabbed his shoulders, clinging to that familiar heat, and cried into the cotton of his shirt. In five or ten minutes, my embarrassment would be paralyzing, but right now I needed this. Needed something solid.
“You’re not a joke, Wilder.” He lifted my chin.
Anders wiped the tears from my cheek with his thumb, and I panicked, worried he would kiss me. I couldn’t handle another complication. But I knew I wouldn’t stop him if he tried. I’d do anything to feel something other than this gaping emptiness. I think he saw it then, that black hole I’d hidden so well, and drew back.
“June told me what happened.” His expression was too careful.
“Everything?”
“Yeah.” He tried to hide it, but I could hear the pain of my lie in his tone.
“I should’ve told you… the ending of my book wasn’t the truth. I didn’t know… if he was alive or dead, all I knew was that he left and never came back.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Anders brushed a knuckle along my jaw.
“It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.”
“It doesn’t matter how he left, Wilder. He hurt you.”
My breath caught in my throat, expanding until I couldn’t speak without lifting another floodgate. I wanted Anders’s anger. This tenderness made me feel worse.
“What can I do?” he whispered.
Kiss me. Fuck me. Let me sleep.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Nothing.”
“Nothing isn’t an option.” He took my hand and I let him walk me to the bathroom. “Let’s start with a shower.”
I nodded as he let go of my hand and turned on the water. The room filled with steam as he stripped out of his clothes. I didn’t turn away or avert my eyes. I watched him with a blank expression, seeing him like this, naked, like we hadn’t broken things off, it was wrong. This constant cycle, where we both used each other for whatever reason, loneliness, release. I couldn’t do it again. Jax had made sure of that when he bulldozed his way back into my life. I couldn’t fake it anymore, all my cracks had been exposed. Still, I allowed Anders to take my hand, and stood with him, skin to skin, under the hot water. Let him wash my hair, my body, numb to the touch of his fingers. I was stuck inside my head, thinking about Saturday night, seeing Jax, his green eyes, his regret so fucking honest on his face. What had his life been like all this time? He’d said everything he’d told me in those emails had been real. If that was true? All that sorrow, it was debilitating. I was grateful for the water trickling down my face. It hid the new wave of tears spilling over my cheeks.