I reached across the console and placed my hand above his knee.
“Jaxon…” I whispered his name, wishing I could crawl into his seat and wrap my arms around him. But the light turned green, stealing the moment. “My life was the complete opposite of yours. My parents weren’t exactly the warmest people, and I was an only child. I’ve never had any attachments that ever made me feel so anchored to something I couldn’t be who I wanted to be.”
“I’m tired of living a lie. But I don’t know how to hold on to all the pieces anymore without losing one of them.”
“You don’t have to make any life decisions tonight, Jax.” I squeezed his leg. “Baby steps, remember?”
“And that’s another thing I feel guilty as fuck about. I should have never emailed you like that. I should have told you it was me from the get-go.”
“Who knows what would have happened if I’d known it was you? Listen, it’s over and done with. You’re here now.”
“I am,” he said with resolve. The permanence of those two words quieted the last shred of doubt I’d been holding on to. He took hold of my hand and didn’t let go until we were parked outside my condo.
Leaving the car running, Jax picked at a crack in the vinyl near the gear shift.
“Did you want to come inside?” I asked.
He glanced at the clock. “You sure?”
I opened the door, gathering all my confidence, and smirked. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to.”
He killed the engine as I got out of the car.
“This is a nice place,” he said as I unlocked the front door.
“Thanks.”
Once inside, I switched on the lights. Gandalf jumped off the kitchen counter, and Jaxon kneeled down to pet him.
“Hey, cutie,” he said, picking up the small ball of fur.
“Jesus, I can hear him purring all the way over here.”
Jax chuckled, nuzzling his nose against the cat’s head as I shut the front door “This is Gandalf, I’m guessing?”
I dropped my keys on the coffee table. “The one and only.”
“I should get Jason a pet. I bet he’d love having a dog or something.”
“You want the cat?”
“Are you serious?” he asked, looking at me like I just killed his favorite puppy. “You can’t just give him away.”
“I’m joking,” I said and took Gandalf from his arms. I placed a kiss on his nose and set him down. “Go play. Daddy has a guest.”
The bell on his collar jingled as he weaved himself around Jax’s legs a few times and then trotted off, most likely to his bed in my office.
I grabbed a couple bottles of water from my fridge, watching as Jax looked around. He stared at the pictures on the wall, stopping in front of one with me and Anders from last year. It was a snapshot of us, smiling at each other during one of our “on again” moments.
I handed him one of the bottles of water. “That’s my agent.”
His eyes met mine. “Is he the one you—”
“Slept with? Yeah.” I took a long drink from my bottle as he turned to look at the picture again. “He’s just a friend now. It wasn’t smart mixing work with my personal life.”
Jax didn’t say anything and I followed him in an anxious silence as he moved through the room. He took in every detail, his fingers running along the spines of the books sitting on the shelf.
“Come on, I’ll give you the grand tour.”
He set his water on the table and followed me down the hall. “This is my office.”
Gandalf was curled up inside his bed and lifted his head, giving us both an annoyed look.
“It used to be the guest room,” I said. “And there’s a bathroom across the hall.”
“Is your room upstairs?” he asked.
My blood heated as I took his hand. “It is.”
For every step we took up the stairs, a question or doubt popped into my head. Was this too much, too soon? Was I rushing him? Was I rushing myself? When it came to sex I didn’t usually second-guess myself, at least not in the moment. But this was Jax. He was the first guy I’d ever been with. The first and only guy I’d ever loved.
The door to my room was open, and I was grateful I’d actually made my bed this morning.
Jax released my hand and walked to the sliding glass doors, pulling back the curtain, he asked, “You have your own deck?”
I kicked off my shoes and set my water on the nightstand. “Yup. It’s too hot though. I usually only go out there during the winter.”
“You’ve made a good life for yourself, Wild. It makes me realize how far I am from having one of my own.”
“My life is messier than it appears. Don’t let all of this neatly placed décor fool you. I’m still figuring shit out, too.”
With his back to me, I could admire the muscles in his wide shoulders, and the way his jeans hugged his ass. He was built in college, but not like this. The sleeves of his shirt hugged his biceps as he turned to look at me. His dark blond hair was messy and in need of a cut, but it looked good on him. His jaw was strong and defined, his lips soft and full. And fuck, those hands. The rough skin of his palms. I’d gotten hard just thinking about how they’d feel wrapped around my dick.
“It’s late,” he said. “I should head home.”
“Sleep over.” I patted the bed. “For old times’ sake.”
His laugh nervous, he asked, “Is that a good idea?”
“Probably not,” I said. “But I think you driving home this late is worse.”
“I can sleep on the couch?” he offered.
“You’re not sleeping on the couch.” I headed toward the bathroom and turned on the light. “I have an extra toothbrush, it’ll be fine. Nothing has to happen, Jax. Unless you want it to.”
Without waiting for his answer, I stripped out of my shirt and threw it into the hamper. I pulled the extra toothbrush out of my drawer and set it on the counter. Jax made his way in as I started to brush my teeth. The weight of his gaze on my bare skin caused goosebumps to prick at the back of my neck.
He picked up the toothbrush, and I handed him the toothpaste. “You’re welcome,” I said with a smirk, trying to hide how fucking anxious I was.
“Thanks.”
I was in my dorm room again, wishing for something I’d never have as I watched him in the mirror. I wondered when I would wake up and realize this whole night had been a figment of my overactive imagination. A chapter I’d written in a book.
We finished up in the bathroom, and I almost had a heart attack when Jax pulled his shirt over his head, revealing miles of muscle and tan skin. All the blood in my body drained to my groin, and I clenched my jaw, trying not to stare as he got ready for bed. He was oblivious to how sexy he was. When he raised his head, I dropped my eyes and unbuckled my belt. The room was too quiet, my breathing too loud as I pushed off my jeans. There was no way I could hide that my dick was up for anything, and in the end, I decided I didn’t care. When I lifted my head, I caught Jax staring at me. His neck and chest were red, his green eyes dark as they trailed over my body. He was just as hard as I was, standing in only his boxer briefs. I rubbed a hand over my dick, trying to relieve the ache, and his lips parted. I took that as an invitation.