“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean for that to sound as rude as it did.”
June hummed under her breath. This was her night, and I was a selfish prick. Even Gwen glared at me.
I leaned in and kissed June on the cheek. “I’m an asshole.”
“Tell me something I don’t know,” she said with a smile that hopefully meant I was forgiven.
Jax took my hand in his. “I can give y’all a ride.”
“The driver is out front,” Gwen said, looking at her phone.
Shit.
Adrenaline coursed through me, my heart running a marathon in my chest. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I’d just gotten him back. What if this was it? What if he went to Marietta and I never saw him again? I despised the overdramatic bullshit spinning in my head, fueled by gin and kisses.
“I’m going to have Jax give me a ride,” I blurted, my last-second decision earning me an amused look from my best friend.
“You okay to drive then?” June asked.
“I wouldn’t drive if I wasn’t,” Jax said.
June hesitated, staring at me, probably wondering what the hell I was doing. I wondered the same thing. This would either be the best or worst decision I’d ever made. I needed to trust my gut. I couldn’t let him walk out that door alone.
“We gotta go, babe,” Gwen said, giving me and Jax a small smile.
“You be careful.” June pointed at Jax.
“Yes, ma’am.” He laughed, and the deep and easy sound of it was something I wished I could have on repeat for the rest of my life.
We followed the girls toward the exit, Jax holding my hand the entire time. I worried what would happen once we were removed from the safety net of the club. I thought for sure once we’d stepped back into reality, he’d realize that our hands were still linked and would let go. The closer we got to the door, the harder my heart pounded. I wanted him to not give a shit about the world, about what he thought was expected of him. These were all the things I used to hope for when we were back at Eastchester, but tonight, more than anything, I wanted him to choose me. To choose us. The late-night air surrounded me as we stepped outside, and I almost dropped his hand, not wanting to feel his rejection of the truth. Most of the people from the club had left already, leaving only a few stragglers on the sidewalk, smoking cigarettes and waiting for rides. Jax’s grip tightened around my hand, and the brutal beat of my heart slowed.
“Over there,” Gwen said, waving at what I assumed was the Uber driver.
I reluctantly let go of Jax’s hand to hug my best friend. “Thank you for inviting him, for doing what I don’t think I ever would have on my own.”
“You seem... happy?” she whispered before pulling away.
“I am.”
She kissed my cheek. “Coffee tomorrow?”
“Of course,” I said. “Love you.”
We all said our goodbyes, June giving Jax another motherly warning about getting me home in one piece. It scared me, watching Jax hug June and Gwen, and how easy it would be if this was something permanent. All I’d wanted was closure, but somehow I found myself at the beginning of something new.
“You ready?” he asked, taking my hand.
I loved, way too much, how simple and effortless it was for him to take my hand in his, even though I knew Jax had to be fighting himself.
“Yeah.”
“I’m parked around the corner.”
We walked in silence, the humidity and my nerves making my palm clammy in his.
“This is me,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, he let go of my hand. “Sorry about the car, it’s not much, and I haven’t had a chance to clean out the back seat.”
Sure, his car had probably seen better days, but I didn’t care about stuff like that. His car could’ve been missing a door and it wouldn’t have mattered to me. Jax was here. He’d chosen us.
“Jax…” I placed my hands on his hips. When he didn’t freak out, I leaned against him. “I don’t give a shit about your messy car.”
His smile was lopsided. “No?”
I shook my head. “Not one fucking bit.”
His arms snaked around my waist, and as his tongue slid into my mouth, my hands found their way to his ass. The fact that we were making out, on the corner of a main road, did not escape me. If anything, it made me want him even more. Jax from nine years ago would have dropped dead before he’d touch me outside of the dorm. Tonight was more than an apology. This was what I wanted. This kiss, this public display, was Jax’s way of showing me he meant every word he’d said in his email. And fuck, I was here for it.
A car horn blared, and I laughed, pressing a chaste kiss to his wet lips. “Should we go?”
“Probably,” he said, his smile more nervous than shy.
Jax’s car smelled like sand and soap. I had no idea what he’d been worried about. His car was cleaner than mine. He had a few towels in the back seat, folded, and CD cases strewn across the floor.
“You still listen to CDs?” I asked, trying not to laugh.
He shoved his key into the ignition and started the engine. “Sometimes. On long drives. I don’t have a hook up for my phone. This piece of shit’s too old.” Changing the subject, he asked, “Where am I headed?”
“Head north for a few miles, until you see Monroe Drive. Then take a right.”
As he pulled onto the road, I pressed the play button on his stereo, curious to what he’d been listening to. I didn’t recognize the slow and sad song.
“What is this?” I asked.
Jax kept his eyes on the road and exhaled a hesitant breath. “Amber Run.”
“It’s beautiful.”
He blushed. “It helps me remember, I guess.”
“Remember what?”
“You.”
“Me?” I asked, letting my smile spread.
He glanced at me, the dimple in his cheek popping as he laughed. “I don’t know… It’s stupid, but I forget sometimes that it’s okay to feel shit.”
“It’s not stupid,” I said without any humor in my tone. “The world tells us, as men, we have to be hard, and that crying is for pussies, and if you’re not strong, then you’re weak. It’s bullshit. You’re allowed to fucking feel however the hell you want.”
“I’m figuring that out.” The muscle in his jaw pulsed as he turned onto Monroe Drive.
I waved my hand down my body. “This is who I am. I like to fuck guys, and I’ll never apologize for it. You shouldn’t either.”
The car slowed to a stop at a red light, and he stared through the windshield, his knuckles white against the steering wheel.
“I’m afraid to lose Jason more than anything.” Jax spoke as if it hurt to say the words. His voice strained. He finally looked at me, and the defeat on his face crushed me. “I think I could get over it if my mom never wanted to talk to me again. I’d understand. I know how she thinks, what she believes, and I can’t hate her for it. But Jason…” He let out a stuttered breath. “He don’t know any better. If I was gone for good, he’d be confused and scared, and it hurts, Wild. It hurts to think of him not being in my life.”