And she knew pain.
Most would assume that as the daughter of a lord, she knew very little strife, but that wasn’t so. Pain was like a scream in the body. Silent to others, but deafening inside one’s self. Every time she remembered the flipping of the cart, she heard it. She could feel her own broken bone long after it healed. A memory of pain. The shock and fear as Old Bill was shot. All those things still lived inside her. But the pain of knowing Sidney loved someone else, but was forced to be with her, would be too much to bear for a lifetime.
She couldn’t do it. Cassie had to speak to him. Alone, before this went any further. She bolted to her feet and then froze. What did she expect, to go to his room now? She was doing it again. She’d chided herself endlessly for her rash behavior, and yet, here she was. Being irrationally impulsive. She’d had many stilted encounters with her family, and while her mother was supportive and gentle, her brother wouldn’t speak to her, and her father would start lectures and then become too frustrated to finish them. Immaturity was his favorite word to use.
And if her reaction just now was any indication, he was right. Her actions were immature and had caused a lot of hurt. Her family acted as if she’d hurt Sidney. Did he feel the same?
She had to know, but she couldn’t run off with her barrels half-cocked. Or her trousers about her ankles, as her father liked to say.
There was a knock on her door. “Enter.”
Cassie nearly choked on her surprise as her brother walked in. He left the door half closed and took the chair by her hearth, rubbing his thumbs over his fingertips as he was wont to do when he had something difficult to confess.
Cassie took a deep breath, preparing for the unpleasant conversation that would come next. “Get on with it if you must.”
“Sidney is back.”
“I have heard.”
“He’s got the license.”
“You’ve spoken to him?”
“I’ve drawn sides, and I’m not on yours.”
An idea struck her. Her brother was clearly in Sidney’s favor, even if he did fatten his lip. Perhaps he would know if Sidney was in love with another woman.
“That’s fair.”
“You’re my sister. I don’t feel good about any of this, but you put me in a difficult spot, and frankly, of the two of you, your actions are more chaotic than his most days.”
Cassie sat at the foot of her bed. “How angry is he?”
“He isn’t angry at all.”
Cassie sucked in a breath. “He’s not?”
“He acts more like a whipped dog. I told him I forgave him, and I’d support him not marrying you if he chose to abandon you.”
Cassie rolled her eyes, though her brother couldn’t see it. “So, I’m the villain.”
“You orchestrated it all. A man is a man.”
She couldn’t help baiting him now. “Simple and easily manipulated, you mean.”
He twisted in his chair to face her. “Was that your plan? You were never so callous. Did a season change your heart to one of black stone?”
Guilt stabbed at her. “No. I didn’t intend for any of this to happen, and if he truly doesn’t want to marry me, I won’t hold him to it. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden. In fact, will you tell me something?”
“It depends.”
“Is he…in love with another?”
“What?”
“I won’t stand in his way if he is. I’d rather be ruined.”
Her brother’s angry expression softened. “No. I wouldn’t let you if he was. He has no permanent affiliation with anyone that I know of.”
“Would he keep that from you?”
He stroked his chin. “No. He wouldn’t have…continued to do the things we do if he had. I know that. But there is Lady Delilah.”
Cassie tensed. “She’s the one who tried to trick him.”
“She’s been pursuing him for some time. He doesn’t reciprocate her feelings, but her father is powerful, and Sidney’s been treading lightly with her.”
“What are you telling me, exactly?”
“I don’t know. Forget I mentioned it. Lady Delilah has been pushing the rumors. It’s no secret you two will marry now. It would look very bad if the two of you don’t.
“You’re being aggravatingly obtuse. Should I or should I not marry him? I’m trying to do the right thing!”
“That makes two of you. The right thing is…not easy. By society’s standards, you must marry. But by my standards…I don’t want to see either of you unhappy. I just want things to be the way they were. He’s like a brother to me, Cass. You’re my sister. This could turn badly in so many ways. I don’t want things to change, do you?”
Cassie held her fist to her heart. “Yes. I needed him to know how I felt.”
Tristan pushed to his feet. “And what is it exactly you are feeling?”
“I…I love him. Is there any man you would honestly think better for me? If there is, I certainly haven’t met him yet. My heart sighs for Sidney. I know you and Mother and Father think me stupid for concocting such a plan, but I had to see if he could feel anything for me before he left. Time was running out.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Christ, he isn’t dying. He’s only going to Star Frost for a visit.”
“A long visit and anything can happen between now and then. I had to know. I’m done waiting.”
“You truly think you love him?”
“I know it. I’ve known it for some time. You don’t think I haven’t questioned myself over and over? I went into the season, hoping I might feel something else, for someone else who would respond in kind, but all I learned is that no man compares to him. I can’t turn off how I’m feeling any more than you can stop the sun from rising. What do I do?”
He pivoted and started pacing before the fire. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before, and I must have been blind not to see your patent interest in him. I thought we all got along like siblings.”
“He’s not my sibling.”
“Clearly. You both should be spies, you hide your motives so well. I don’t know how he feels about you anymore than I knew how you felt about him. All I do know is that he is good through and through. He won’t turn his back on you unless you ask him to. His honor is everything to him. His word is his bond.”
“I know.”
“Then what will you do? Speak to him?”
“I have to say something,” Cassie said. “Apologize for the very least for all the trouble I’ve caused everyone.”
“That’s one way to begin. I need a drink.” He looked around her room.
“I don’t keep spirits in here. I’m only allowed a half glass of wine with dinner.”
“Clearly. I’m so glad I was born a man.”
Cassie snorted. “Lucky you.”
Tristan left her and still Cassie didn’t know how to approach Sidney. She could send him a note, she supposed, asking to meet again. It seemed silly, but also poetic. She went to her writing desk and did just that.
Chapter 9