“I don’t know what kind of women you’ve cared for in the past, but I am very loyal and stubborn. When I need someone, I claim them forever. Even if you run away and hurt me, I will still want you. It’s my burden.”
Cobain finally laughs. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just relieved Papa didn’t kill you, and I can make you my sex slave back home.”
“Assuming we survive that long.”
“I insist we do. I deserve to see you naked in the ocean.”
Cobain’s smile fades, and I think perhaps he imagines me naked in the ocean too. Life can be that simple once we leave this country—endless sex, laughter, family, and no more loneliness.
COBAIN
Something disturbing occurs to me after dinner. First, I cook steaks, a quick potato gratin, and corn on the cob. Acting as my helper, Neri hands me supplies while also making lewd comments about my ass. I suspect she enjoys flirting within earshot of her parents. Neri is still a wild young woman, and I’m her bad-boy lover.
But that’s not the disturbing realization.
Dinner involves Anika acting adorable, and the others treating her every smile as a miracle. The kid's antics take the attention off me. Jake barely acknowledges my existence, which is a godsend. I’m already bored of his protective daddy routine.
Then we end the evening in the two-story main room where—for some fucking reason—the movie “Elf” is chosen to watch. I sit in a chair while Neri relaxes on the floor in front of me and brushes Robin. The dog growls at her occasionally, but she just waves off his bad manners in the same way she does mine.
Mia sits curled up in Jake’s lap. On the couch, Kai keeps Sunny against him on one side and Anika on the other. The kid didn’t get a nap, so she’s asleep thirty minutes into the movie.
When the house shakes with the heavy winds, I think of the dogs out back in the enclosed pen. Of course, I’d never leave Robin in such bad weather. However, bringing the guard dogs inside isn’t an option. Anika and Mia flinch around Robin, and I don’t want my dog getting bullied by younger, stronger animals.
Neri finally stops fucking around on the ground and sits in the chair next to mine. She doesn’t cuddle or flirt. I think she’s actually watching the movie. Neri has an obvious tell for when she’s relaxed. She forgets to speak in English. Throughout the movie, she makes comments in Spanish. Each time Sunny frowns with confusion, and Kai translates.
The man can’t help babying her. Jake does the same with Mia. He whispers in her ear whenever the hail pounds the house, or the thunder rattles her nerves. Both men fell for broken women.
My heart belongs to someone strong and healthy. There’s not a weak, damn thing about Neri. Even when she bares her soul and cries, she remains as unbreakable as Kai.
That’s when I come to the disturbing realization that she followed in her brother and father’s footsteps by falling for a fucked-up person in need of fixing.
I’m Sunny and Mia! Hell, I’m even more fucked up than Anika. The kid won’t remember her weird childhood by the time she’s ten. I imagine her as a teenager and then as an adult. No one will know what happened to Anika, including her.
But Sunny will never wash away her problems. She’ll learn to hide them better. I know I did.
Of course, I have the luxury of being an angry man. A lot of fucked-up habits can be hidden under that persona. Not that I could get away with Mia’s childlike behavior or Sunny’s wounded animal routine. I can only be the pissed predator, roaring at everyone to hide his fucked-up soul.
I study Neri, who must know I’m watching her. She finally glances in my direction and smiles as if we’re not in a strange house with her dangerous father planning to stick me in the pit out back.
I think of those people in there. After arriving at my safe house, I often imagined myself in the trench. Rotting away, I wouldn’t be missed by a world that never cared if I lived or died.
This woman right here cares. She’s insane to want me, but I know she does. I can’t trust her yet, or maybe ever. I’ve been burned too often by women offering smiles and promises.
Yet I trust that Neri is stubborn enough to hold on to me despite her father’s anger and my gruff personality. She finds me worth loving. I ought to thank her fucked-up father for giving her a false sense of the ideal mate.
As the storm rages on, the kid wakes from a nightmare and screams about someone named Ebba taking her away.
Despite the noise, I settle into the realization that I belong to this group. If someone came in shooting right now, I’d take a bullet for any of them. Some of that would just be to please Neri, but I think deep—very deep—down that I care about Kai, Sunny, and the crying kid too. One day, Jake and Mia might also matter. Again, my feelings for them will need to remain hidden down deep, but they’ll exist.
Whether I like it or not, I’m no longer alone. I’m a fucked-up asshole part of a fucked-up unit, and I think—deep, deep down inside—this fact pleases me.
KAI
With my parents nearby, I can pretend we’re vacationing in an Airbnb house. We eat a nice meal, watch a family movie, and enjoy quiet time together. Just a holiday with the whole family.
I turn off thoughts of the bodies in the backyard or the men waiting to grab up the “foreigners” once we’re back on the road. The Children of the Black Sun are hiding in their compounds, licking their wounds after losing so many men and wondering if they’ll ever relish their revenge. Tonight, I forget about them and enjoy how the people most important to me are in this single room.
No matter my best efforts, tension remains electric in the air all night. Mama is on edge from the storm and strange surroundings. She eventually stops watching the movie and hides her face against Papa’s shoulder as she sits on his lap. He doesn’t want to show his concern, but I notice how his upper lip lifts into a near snarl whenever the thunder roars or the house shakes.
Sunny isn’t comfortable either. The movie makes her sad since it’s one of the few she remembers from her childhood. By the time Anika wakes up screaming, Sunny is depressed.
“Ebba!” Anika cries, tugging at Sunny. “Ebba take home!”
Sunny wears the same look as when she didn’t know how to calm her agitated child at Cobain’s safe house. I suspect she thinks Anika wishes she was back at the compound with this “Ebba” woman.
I stroke Anika’s forehead while she stares wide-eyed at Sunny. “No Ebba,” I say. “You’re going to my home with the ocean.”
Anika wants her mother to react, but Sunny just stares back at her.
I pull out my phone and show them the ocean waves splashing against the beach. “This is home.”
Sunny frowns at me. She still believes Anika wishes to return to the cult.
“Stay with Mama or go with Ebba?” I ask Anika, who begins crying.
“Mama,” she whines, nearly crawling under Sunny’s shirt to hide from the lightning.
Sunny immediately snaps out of her funk and rocks Anika. “No more Ebba,” she whispers. “You stay with Mama.”
Anika points at the ceiling. “Loud.”