Ruby gently pulls my hands away from my face. “You don’t have to apologize,” she says, her thumb stroking my cheekbone. “Are you okay though?”
I nod, closing my eyes as I focus on the soft touch of her thumb against my skin. “Yeah,” I breathe out. “It’s just been a while, that’s all.”
I actually hoped they were over, that somehow, I’d managed to fix that part of my life. Obviously, I was wrong.
“Do you think it had something to do with what happened tonight?” she asks, her thumb still brushing against me. “With that guy at the bar?”
I shrug, wishing it didn’t, but deep down knowing it probably did. As routine as that kind of shit was for me, having kicked countless drunken assholes out of our bar back in Providence and even a couple here in Hawthorn, I’d never had it happen in front of someone. And I’d never had the asshole find me afterward and try to start trouble again.
All of which had happened tonight.
And in front of Ruby.
I let out another breath, rolling over as I pull Ruby into my arms. “I don’t know,” I murmur, burying my face against her neck. “Probably.”
She wraps her arms around me, her fingers smoothing over my back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t even really remember it,” I lie, knowing the nightmares are always crystal fucking clear, etched in my brain in a permanent reminder. Like a silent movie on a never-ending loop that seems to play just so it can fuck with me.
“Okay,” she whispers, her fingers still moving over my skin, her mouth on my cheek, pressing kisses as though to comfort and reassure me. And it’s in this moment that I know what it is that I want. What I need.
Her.
Always her.
I roll us over, so she’s lying beneath me, my mouth finding hers in the darkness of her room.
“Caleb,” she whispers into my mouth as I kiss her, my tongue tracing her bottom lip as I cover her body with mine. Ruby’s arms wrap around me, pulling me closer as she kisses me back, her hips pushing up into mine as though she can sense what I want, what I need in this moment.
“Ruby,” I whisper, sliding inside her, my eyes closing as I surrender myself to her warmth and lose myself in the comfort and safety she offers.
When I wake up, the sun is streaming in through a crack in the blinds, the house quiet and the bed beside me, empty.
Rolling over, I slide my hand to where Ruby would normally be sleeping, the sheets now cool, no trace of her warmth lingering. I know she had an early class this morning, so I don’t expect her to be here, but it doesn’t stop me from missing her either.
I close my eyes again, my mind going back to last night and the recurrence of nightmares I had hoped were over. It had felt shitty to wake Ruby up like that, to maybe scare her with whatever was going on with me as my mind played tricks on me while I slept.
But at the same time, it had felt so good to have her here, to know she was able to draw me out of the darkness and provide the comfort that I desperately needed.
But just as soon as I think that, I also remember what came after.
What we did.
What I did.
“Shit,” I groan, rolling out of bed.
I grab some sweats and pull them on, before heading out to the kitchen. But as soon as I walk out there, I see Ruby, sitting at the kitchen table, textbooks strewn around her and her laptop open.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask, surprised.
She looks up, immediately pushing her chair out and standing as she comes over and wraps her arms around me and pulls me close.
“How are you feeling?” she asks, her face turned into my neck.
“I’m okay,” I tell her, wrapping my arms around her waist. “But what are you doing here? I thought you had class?”
She pulls back a little as she looks up at me. “I didn’t want to leave you,” she admits.
“Ruby,” I say, leaning down to press a kiss to her lips. “You didn’t need to do that. I’m okay, really.”
She offers me a smile, her hand cupping my cheek. “I know, but I wanted to,” she says, kissing me again. “Are you okay?”
I take a deep breath, before letting it out in a long slow exhale. “I’m okay, yeah. I’m sorry about last night.”
Ruby shakes her head, concern written all over her face. “You don’t need to apologize, Caleb, seriously. It’s not your fault you have nightmares.”
I nod, wishing that was the only thing I was apologizing for. “I know, but I’m also sorry for what happened after…” I trail off, not sure how to explain it.
“What do you mean?” she asks.
I slide a hand up her back, tucking some strands of hair behind her ear as I smile down at her. “Afterward, Ruby,” I say, my voice low. “When we… Shit, I didn’t use a condom and I’m sorry and—”
“Caleb,” she says, her voice soft. “It’s okay, we’ll…we’ll handle whatever happens.”
“I’ll do whatever you need me to do, okay?” I quickly say, needing her to know I’m not bailing on any of this, whatever happens, however fucking scary it might be. “Whatever test you need me to take or whatever you need—”
“Caleb,” she says, her fingers on my mouth, silencing me. “We’ll work it out, okay? And hey, maybe we can, I don’t know…figure something out so this won’t be a problem from now on?”
I lower my head so my forehead is resting against hers. “I’m so sorry. That was a really shitty thing for me to do and—”
“It’s okay, really,” she says, brushing her lips against mine.
I want to believe her, want to believe she really means what she’s telling me. “I have no idea what I did to deserve you,” I whisper, kissing her. “No fucking idea.”
She smiles against my mouth, her hand moving to the back of my neck as she holds me against her. “I feel the same way,” she whispers, before deepening the kiss.
I surrender to her, even as somewhere, my mind registers the sound of a door opening and closing, the sound of footsteps and someone laughing. But it’s not until I hear Reid, as he calls out, “Oh, Sienna!” that I finally understand, pulling back to see my best friend, standing in the kitchen doorway, laughing at us.
Before either of us can say anything, Sienna is beside him, giving Ruby and me the stink eye as she crosses her arms over her chest and says, “I knew it! I fucking knew you two were hooking up!”
Ruby giggles, burying her face against my chest as she murmurs, “I think we’re busted.”
And despite how much the timing sucks, how much I want to drag Ruby out of the room so we can talk about what happened last night, what it means for the two of us, I don’t. Instead, I lean down and press my lips to the top of her head.
“Yeah, I kinda think we are.”
“Okay, for the record,” Reid starts, still laughing, “when did all this start?”
Exhaling, I pull back, pulling Ruby close as we both turn to face them. “His birthday,” Ruby says, her arm around my waist, squeezing. “When you two were away.”
I tip my head in acknowledgement, even though I think both Ruby and I would admit things had started happening way before that, my birthday was the night everything changed.