I threw the letter across the kitchen and watched it hit the floor.
I was holding back.
Everything.
The emotion.
The truth.
I was protecting Amelia one more time.
Because going all in for her was a mistake. Falling in love with her was a mistake. Her finding the letter was a mistake. And her falling in love with me was a mistake.
“No matter what it is…” Amelia started to say.
I closed in on her, my body against hers.
“Get the fuck out of my apartment. And stay away for the rest of your life.”
“You don’t mean that,” she said.
“Try me,” I said. "I said it once before and I meant it then. I mean it now too.”
“I’m in love with you, Josh. I can’t just walk away.”
“Fine. If you don’t leave, then I will.”
“You’re going to leave your own apartment?”
“If that’s what it takes.”
“I didn’t mean to find that letter. I didn’t mean for anything to happen. It has nothing-”
“It has everything to do with the letter,” I said.
I walked away from Amelia and kept to my word.
If she wasn’t going to leave, then I was.
I sat down and reached for the bottle of whiskey.
I threw it back and officially killed it off.
“Another?” Azor asked me with a grin.
I shook my head. “I still have to get home.”
“You’re not driving, my man.”
“No, I’m not fucking driving,” I said. “I’ll walk. Or get a ride.”
“You can crash here,” he said. “We’ll keep running with this mural idea. This is fantastic. We’re bringing our demons to life right here, Josh. This is huge for us. Sasha wants to buy it.”
I laughed. “You’re a whore, Azor. You called her already?”
“Snuck a pic.”
“Better than sending a pic of your dick to her, huh?”
Azor belly laughed. “I’d need a bigger phone for that.”
“Good for you, friend.”
“Friend, huh?” He put down the paintbrush and wiped his hands on his shirt. “You know, it’s not all that often you show up and demand to paint with me and get drunk. In fact, I don’t think it’s ever happened.”
“Is that a problem?”
“You’ve got that look in your eyes again, Josh. I vaguely remember what happened the last time. You sort of lost your edge and almost ended up in jail.”
“That was a long time ago.”
Azor grabbed my shoulder. “Not all that long ago.”
I shook him away and stood up. I wiped my lips. The whiskey had done its job by getting me drunk, but it didn’t finish the rest of what I needed. Which was to forget. About Amelia. About the letter. About Delilah. Something told me that wasn’t going to ever happen.
“What are you doing, Josh?”
“Calling for a ride,” I said as I fumbled with my phone. “I’ve wasted enough of your time.”
“Wasted? Look at this. Look at what you did.”
I looked over my shoulder.
Not only had I shown up to Azor’s place unannounced, demanding whiskey, but I completely ruined his current project. It was a bright project. Lots of greens, blues, and yellows. An abstract kind of landscape with row homes, hopscotch and old basketball hoops. I took it that he was painting where he came from. Capturing the happiness from what used to be a rough place for him.
It took me a few sips of whiskey and a few more thoughts of Amelia before I grabbed a paintbrush, turned it around, and went to work on the painting. I destroyed it. I added black and red. I painted pointed and random shapes all over it.
I wanted Azor to get pissed at me. I wanted him to punch me. I wanted him to knock me out.
Instead, being the artist he was, he appreciated it.
And we worked side by side, drinking the entire bottle of whiskey together, and turned his bright and serene landscape into a mixture of heaven and hell.
“Whatever is eating at your soul, Josh, I hope you can control it yet let it free,” Azor said.
“I’ll just drink until it goes away,” I said.
I sent Aaron a text telling him I needed a ride. The misspelled words in the text message were going to be enough to let him know the state I was in.
“Thanks for the drink,” I said.
“Hang here, man,” Azor said. “Wait for your ride. Come on.”
I opened the door and left the apartment.
The hallway smelled like old cabbage. There was noise and music coming from every apartment as I walked the concrete floor to the concrete steps.
Outside, I leaned against a black railing and waited for Aaron.
He showed ten minutes later and scrambled to get out of his car.
He raced toward me and pointed to the building. “Tell me you know who lives here.”
“I know who lives here,” I said.
“Are you sure?” Aaron asked. “Are the cops going to come looking for you?”
“Hope not,” I said. “We’d better go.”
I started to walk, and Aaron slammed a hand to my chest.
“What the fuck happened?” he asked.
I looked him in the eyes. “Delilah happened.”
We sat in the parking lot of a little burger place.
Aaron was hell bent on filling me up with greasy food and soda to sober me up.
It didn’t do a damn thing.
“I had to write a letter,” I said to Aaron. “I wrote it to Delilah. It was supposed to be my goodbye. My way of letting it all go. Letting everything go. That’s what I was told.”
“You wrote a letter?” Aaron asked.
“Hey. I kept my promise to you, brother. I go. I talk. I listen. I do what I can.”
“What happened with the letter?”
“I was supposed to write it, then get rid of it. Or keep it. Or destroy it. I don’t know. I don’t remember right now. But I kept this fucking letter in my pocket. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t let Delilah go.”
“I still don’t get it,” he said. “I know you had a different side of your life back then. I wish I knew about it. I really did. I could have helped you.”
“No worries,” I said. “Doesn’t matter now. I got drunk at my gallery showing. After Rae stormed off with Toby. I felt like shit about that night, man. When I left the gallery. I must have reached into my pocket or something. I dropped the letter. Amelia found it.”
“Oh, damn,” Aaron said. “Does she know…”
“No,” I said. “I refused to tell her. But she kept this letter for as long as we’ve been together now. She never told me about it.”
“Wait a second. Did you sign the letter? Did she know it was from you?”
“Not until last night,” I said. “I said something I wrote in the letter. And she connected the dots. When I saw the letter this morning, I lost it. I left. I left her in my apartment. I told her to get out of my life.”
“You can’t keep self-destructing, Josh,” Aaron said. “You’ve been different since Amelia came back into your life. And now what? You’re going to hide all the truth from her? Push her away?”