When I finally manage to find my voice, all I can offer is, ‘I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?’
‘That’s it?’ Lucas snaps. ‘I drop this F-bomb on you. I’m going to be a father and all you can offer is tea?’
‘Right now, I can’t think of anything else, Lucas,’ I say honestly.
‘Fuck,’ he grumbles, dropping the more usual F-bomb.
So we walk back to the tea room in stony silence while, in my head, I try to stop my thoughts from tumbling erratically and work out what on earth to do.
Chapter Forty-Six
The kids are arriving by the time we reach the yard, so I turn to Lucas and say, ‘We can’t do this now. We’ll have to discuss it later.’
‘This is important,’ he snaps.
‘I am fully aware.’
He huffs at me and marches off across the yard while I look helplessly after him. What else am I to do? I have no idea how to deal with this news and need some time to process it.
On autopilot, I sort the students out for the day and take them up to Matt in the workshop to help him. Even though my difficult conversation with Lucas is delayed, it hasn’t helped me to get my head round the situation. To the casual observer, I might look vaguely in control, yet thoughts are crashing round my brain, scattered and random.
When I go back into the tea room to prepare for lunch, Lucas is waiting. Mud on his wellies, scowl on his face. I can put off our talk no longer and I’m still no wiser as to how I’ll tackle this.
‘There’s veg to chop if you want to help me.’ I go into the kitchen and nod towards the menu. Lucas follows me.
‘Bev has decreed that we’ll have Mexican wraps today.’ So I pull peppers of every colour out of the fridge and hand Lucas a knife. We stand side by side at the counter with our pile of veg. Neither of us do anything.
‘We’re keeping it,’ is his opening gambit. ‘No matter what you say.’ Then he chops furiously at the red pepper on the board.
‘Do you love her?’ I ask.
‘Of course,’ he snaps, defensively.
‘And she feels the same about you?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’ve known each other such a short amount of time,’ I point out. ‘You should be having fun together.’ Though maybe one could argue, they’re in this mess because they’ve had a little too much ‘fun’. ‘This is a huge commitment.’
‘You think I don’t know that?’
I put down my unused knife and turn to him. ‘No. I don’t think you do.’ I take a deep breath before adding. ‘It’s very easy to say you’re going to keep the baby, but have you thought of the practicalities? Where will you live? How will you pay for a child? You earn very little here, Lucas, and Aurora is at college. Babies are bloody expensive.’
‘We’ll manage!’
‘How?’ I shout back at him in the face of his obstinacy.
‘I don’t know!’ He shouts louder.
I’m not handling this well. I need Shelby here and I need him now. ‘Have you told your dad?’
‘No.’ Lucas looks panicked. ‘You can’t tell him.’
‘I might be able to cover up your appearance at a poetry slam, but you’re not going to be able to keep a baby secret.’
‘I know what he’s like. He’ll only kick off.’
‘And quite rightly,’ I point out. ‘This is a tough one, Lucas. Accidents happen, now we’re dealing with the fallout.’
‘This is my child we’re talking about,’ he says tightly. ‘Not “fallout”’.
‘You’re right. I didn’t mean that.’
‘We don’t need anyone.’ Now an onion gets chopped into oblivion and flung into the waiting pan. ‘Aurora and I can do this by ourselves.’
‘You can’t.’ I rub my eyes. ‘You’ll need us more than ever.’ It’s going to take a whole network to look after this child and, whether Lucas likes it or not, it will probably be Shelby who ends up funding it. I’m not sure how to approach this, so I blunder in, ‘Have you considered other options?’
He looks at me aghast. ‘You mean get rid of it?’
‘There’s abortion or adoption. Have you even thought about either?’
‘No.’ He’s appalled I could even raise it. ‘Why would I want to kill my own kid or give it to someone else? That’s fucking mad!’
Glancing across at Lucas, I see that tears have welled up in his eyes and my heart unravels. He is going to need our support and love. There’s no putting this genie back in the bottle. Shouting at each other really isn’t going to help either.
‘Come here,’ I say and, without his usual hesitation, he steps into my arms. I hold him tightly. ‘It’ll be OK. It will all be OK.’
‘I want this child,’ he sobs. ‘I feel as if it’s something I can do really well. I want to be the kind of dad that I’ve never had. I want to be around for him – or her – all the time. I love Aurora. She’ll be a great mum. You’ll be like a nana. Can’t you be excited for me?’
How can I tell him of my myriad misgivings? Lucas is so young, so vulnerable. Left to his own devices, I don’t think he could feed himself or get out of bed every day. I’m sure that he has no concept of the new reality a child will bring. Who does? Even the most prepared and mature parent would probably agree that a new baby is like a grenade being thrown into your life. He’s naïve to think that this will be one big adventure. Plus there’s something about Aurora I don’t trust. Can I see her as a mother who wants to stay at home with a child? What if they bring a baby into the world and then their relationship breaks down? I don’t want that for Lucas, Aurora or for the baby. I’d love to be thrilled for them both but, in truth, I’m terrified at what this means for us all.
‘How far gone is Aurora?’
‘Not much,’ he says. ‘Six weeks. I dunno. Something like that. We’ve only just found out.’
But that’s much longer than I imagined they’d been intimate. Lucas swore to me that they hadn’t . . . er . . . ‘fully engaged’. Has he been lying to me about that too? It seems so. Damn. How could I have been gullible enough to believe him?
‘She’s told her parents?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What did they say?’
He wipes his face on his sleeve. ‘They think we’re young and stupid too.’
There’s no doubt that he looks very, very young at the moment standing here before me in tears.
‘We will have to tell your dad,’ I say.
‘Not yet,’ he pleads. ‘Just not yet. Let me enjoy it for a bit before he goes ballistic.’
I sigh and hug Lucas again. I had thought we were making so much progress and now this. Shelby will indeed go ballistic. That’s one thing Lucas has got right.
Chapter Forty-Seven
I serve the students their lunch, but my mind isn’t on the job at all. Lucas sits at the far end of the table, talking to no one. I try my best, but it’s Matt who has to jolly everyone along. If it weren’t for him, lunch would be a very subdued affair.