JoeNotExotic- Didn’t you check out her Facebook or Insta account?
Fucking_Alan- We hadn’t got that far. I only knew her first name.
EmoGirl – Rookie mistake, Alan. Lol.
Fucking_Alan – Well, I know that now! Anyway, I rocked up feeling pretty excited to meet her. She was a sure thing, and she was hot as fuck in her Tinder photos. My night was sorted.
JoeNotExotic- And???
Fucking_Alan – She had no fucking teeth.
Regina_Phalange – Oh my God. Bloody priceless.
EmoGirl – Maybe she had an illness?
JoeNotExotic – Always positive thinking, Emo. I love you, girl.
Fucking_Alan – A bloody illness? Girl was sick if she thought I’d be going there. She had like three teeth in her head. Three. My nan has more than that.
Regina_Phalange – Was she a good friend of your nan’s?
Fucking_Alan- Come again?
Regina_Phalange – I have images of you turning up to a date with an eighty-year-old. So funny.
Fucking_Alan – She was in her twenties. I’m no octogenarian-phile or whatever the opposite of a pedo is. Calm your tits, Reggie.
Legion has joined the chat.
JoeNotExotic – I’m really gonna regret typing this, ‘cos I’m gonna sound like Alan, but at least she’d give good head.
EmoGirl – Joe, I’m disappointed. ROFL
JoeNotExotic- Me too, Emo. *Hangs head in shame and gives an evil laugh*
Fucking_Alan- I’m so glad my dating exploits amuse you.
Regina_Phalange- Every fucking time, mate.
Fucking_Alan – When I got home, I looked at her Facebook and Insta.
EmoGirl- She actually gave you her last name?
Fucking_Alan – Last name, phone number, social security number… This chick was desperate. When I looked online, she wasn’t smiling with her mouth open in any of those photos. Even if I had cyber stalked her, I wouldn’t have known. Girl duped me. I dated a fucking gummy bear… Well, the female version of Albert Steptoe. Nothing is advertised properly these days.
EmoGirl – Speaking of stalking, how you doing, Lady?
LadyStoneheart23- Better for coming on here and hearing about Alan’s toothless date.
Fucking_Alan- Yep. There’ll be plenty of ‘gaps’ in her diary from now on. I’m not bitter though. I hope she succeeds. You know, like a toothless parrot. Sucks seeds. Get it?
JoeNotExotic - *Watching the tumbleweed blow past*
EmoGirl – Alan’s tinder dates get excited when they hear he has a corner office with views of the city, drives a half a million pound vehicle and gets paid to travel. But it kinda sucks when they find out he’s a bus driver.
Fucking_Alan – I used to be a bus driver, but I got sick of people talking behind my back. Ba dum chhh…
EmoGirl- Anyway, enough about Alan’s toothless wonders. How you really doing, Lady?
LadyStoneheart23 – You really don’t want to know.
TommyTank has joined the chat.
Fucking_Alan –Tommy! Mate. Do I have a story for you!
Regina_Phalange- Hey Tom!
I heard the ping of a private message popping up at the bottom of my screen and I saw it was from Legion. Seeing as this Tommy guy was taking over the feed, I decided to click the chat open and see what Legion had to say.
Legion – I want to know.
LadyStoneheart23- Is Alan’s dating drama not doing it for you this morning?
Legion – If he thinks that’s a bad date he should have been in my house growing up. My mum’s dating history reads like a Stephen King novel. Pure fucking horror.
LadyStoneheart23 – That bad, huh?
Legion – I didn’t come with a complimentary bong, syringe, or a spoon to cook her shit up. I was a totally useless son. So yeah, it was that bad. Enough about my fucked up childhood, though. What’s happened?
LadySytoneheart23 – He broke into my house last night.
Legion – And?
LadyStoneheart23 – Isn’t that enough?
Legion – Did he hurt you?
LadyStoneheart23 – Not physically, no. But he was in my house. My fucking house, Legion. That’s another level of fucked up.
Legion – You need to wind it back for me. What’s the deal here?
LadyStoneheart23 – He murdered my brother and now he’s after me.
Legion – Yeah, I got that part from the last chat, but how did he murder him?
LadyStoneheart23 – My brother was a boxer. He was in a fight with him that turned nasty. He hit my brother, my brother stumbled, fell and cracked his head off the floor.
Legion – So I take it this was no boxing ring then?
LadyStoneheart23 – No. It was bare-knuckle boxing. I fucking hate it too.
Legion – Excuse me for being cruel here, but why is that guy to blame? Sounds to me like he hit your brother, your brother tripped, fell and the rest is mother nature or fate, whatever.
LadyStoneheart23 –You sound like the rest of my town.
Legion – I’m not trying to invalidate what you’re saying, just trying to paint a picture here. Why? What are the town saying?
LadyStoneheart23 – That it was an accident. The police too. Apparently, my brother had an undiagnosed brain aneurysm but I don’t care what they say. I don’t care about complications in surgery or mobile phone footage. It was murder.
Legion – What about the police reports? Statements?
LadyStoneheart23 – They’ve dropped the case. My brother’s so-called best friends all retracted their statements and I’m on my own.