Please, say something.
Eva’s gaze shifts from blank to a solemn expression, and she tightens her grip on my waist. “I think it crossed my mind without knowing it did.”
A tender gaze, inches from my face, and a sweet and tropical scent fills my nose. Warmth flickers through me, a spontaneous response to her closeness, and I nod, understanding.
“I don’t even know if that makes any sense.” She blinks, shaking her head. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
A bone-deep exhaustion suddenly blankets my shoulders. This is a burden I’ll always carry, a truth I won’t ever be able to change or forget.
“There was so much to catch up on…there still is. I had every intention of telling you. I just didn’t,” I puff out a harsh breath, once again resting my head against hers. “I didn’t want it to be the first thing you learned about me after all these years apart.”
“Hey.” Her fingers lightly brush against the bristle of my jaw. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I only want to help you. Tell me how.”
“I need to do the work. There’s nothing you can do to help but just be here. After your death, I was lost and in agony. Even when things started to happen for the band, I had a hard time caring about our growing fame, caring about anything. And when money became no object, that’s when things went downhill for me, as if they could get any worse. I would lose myself in drugs, alcohol, and sex.”
Eva pulls back, wearing a blank expression and flexing her jaw as if trying not to grind her teeth. I can’t stop now. I need to be honest with her, tell her everything.
“I didn’t want to feel anything. I was bleeding and couldn’t take the pain. The problem was I had to keep taking more and more and more to go to that dead space. And everything was out of control.”
She looks away, and the back of my neck feels like it’s on fire. My humiliation is a real thing. A vile, appalling bastard. The monkey on my back and no matter what I do, I can’t shake him.
“I get why your father would lie, even if I hate it.” My urge to own my mistakes is a raging fire. Wild and persistent.
She tenses. “No, don’t make excuses for his actions.”
“I’m just saying I get why your father would want you with Miguel.”
“What do you mean?” She widens her eyes, dumbfounded.
“Miguel looks good on paper. An upstanding guy, or at least people think he is, and he comes from a good family.”
“No.” Now, she steps into my space, pushing her chest into mine and nailing me with a fierce gaze. “You deserve me. Miguel is not better than you. He’s a liar and a thief. And he can be controlling. There’s no excuse for what he did, for my father’s lies. I still can’t understand it.”
“Because your father wants better for you than some dumbass street kid with no future. Because he knew what I wasn’t willing to see back then—that I’m worthless. I’m not worthy of breathing the same air as you. Of being near you. And he wanted to keep us apart.”
“Stop it! None of that is true. Why do you hate yourself? You’re talking as if you’re to blame.”
“Because I fucked up our chance. I’m to blame for the stupid crash.”
“No, you’re not. You didn’t mess anything up. Life happened. I caused that accident, not you.”
“You did nothing wrong. I let you drive.”
“Oh my God, do you hear yourself? No matter who was driving, the other driver would have crashed into us. You know that, so don’t lay the accident and what came after at our feet. You are no more to blame than I am. And my father and sister are to blame for their part. Not you.”
Her small hands clutch at the sides of my face, holding my gaze steady. “I love you more than I love anyone else. You are life to me. My air, my heartbeat, my everything.”
A tear falls down her face, and she peppers me with small kisses over my lips and jaw.
“And I’m sad to hear you turned to drugs. I wanted so much more for you and I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through to get clean, but you did. No one else made that happen but you.” Her fingers curl around the front of my T-shirt. “Certainly not some street kid, is that what you called yourself?”
A playful smile dances at the corners of her mouth. “You’re clean. That’s huge, and what you’ve achieved while dealing with loss and sorrow is nothing short of outstanding. You are a great man. The best. And don’t you dare let anyone else tell you otherwise. You hear me? If so, you’re going to have to answer to me.”
She’s teasing but serious, and my eyes burn. I blink, trying to minimize the sting. “Oh, now I’m scared.”
A slight laugh tumbles from her mouth. “And I’m here to help you.”
“Eva, this is for me to figure out. I’m not saying it won’t touch you, but I’ve got to do the work. That’s what you sensed that night at the party. The entire scene brought back all the crap I no longer want in my life.”
“I got that feeling. I didn’t know what it was, but something had you on edge.” Her fingers are featherlight across my brow. “You could have talked to me.”
“I know.” My hands grip the sides of her face and I bend my head, my nose nudging hers. “Fuck, this is going to make me sound like a dog, but I wanted you so badly. Fuck, still do. Always. And I just didn’t want to derail our chance to sleep together by telling you all my shit.”
I bury my face into the warmth of her neck, lightly kissing the hollow of her throat.
“Ooh,” she moans. “You wanted to get in my pants, is that what you’re telling me?”
Her words shoot straight to my crotch, and I sink my teeth into her collarbone. A tiny squeak followed by a giggle releases from her, and just like that, I want to rip off her clothes and bury myself deep inside her.
“So, what are you going to do?” Her fingers tug on my hair.
“What?” I lift my head, still dazed with desire.
“You were uncomfortable at the party? That’s going to be around you all the time once you launch your solo career, right?” I nod and she tilts her head to the side. “Are you going to be able to handle that? What are you going to do?”
A lump forms in my throat. She isn’t raising anything I haven’t already thought about. “I’m not sure yet. I talked to my sponsor several times while we were in New York. Even on the way here tonight. I’ve got some difficult decisions to make.”
“Like what?”
“Like if I should even be starting a solo career. Triggers are everywhere for me when it comes to the music industry. I’ve got to figure out if it’s time to get out.”
I step back, the sober topic killing any mojo. Besides, we still have more to talk about.
“Really? If you did leave it behind, what would you do? Would the label let you out of your contract?”
“These are all things I need to figure out. If I had a fucking manager—” I mash my teeth together, anger burning through my veins at just the thought of Bianca. “I’ll figure it out. Eli has a lawyer friend who might be able to help.”
“Whatever you need, I’m here.”