“You are so fucking lucky and you don’t even know it. If you walk away from him and his love, then you’re a fool. That man worships you and will until the day he dies.”
Her envy suffocates me, and I blink back the burning in my eyes.
“What do you care if Jared and I are together or not? From the looks of things, it sounds like you’d be good if I was alone forever. And what about lying for Papi? It doesn’t feel like you were forced into it. I’m guessing you wanted to do it, or maybe you even planted the idea?”
I’m grasping now, but I can’t believe anything she’s told me. She doesn’t love me. In response, she snorts and rolls her eyes.
“We’re done here. I can’t get past this. I thought I knew you. We’re…sisters. But if I look back through our lives together, there are too many betrayals that I can no longer ignore or forgive. I can’t trust you. I never did anything to you, Bianca. You were my older sister. I looked up to you. Even when you made the wrong choices, I loved you.”
“You just can’t help yourself, can you? Even now, do you hear yourself? Judging me for my choices. Who the hell do you think you are, Eva? You’re not perfect.”
“No, I’m not, but I’m human. And I don’t know how or why I became your target. I didn’t force anyone to love me. You can’t make other people love you. All you can do is work on yourself.”
I step closer to her, and she stiffens but stays put. “Bianca, you need to take a hard, cold look at your life. At what you’ve become because you and I both know, if Mamá was here today—”
Her body tenses further. I have hit a nerve. Our mother meant the world to both of us.
“Mamá would be gravely disappointed in you. You are not the daughter she raised.”
She leans away from me, twisting her lips to hide what I think is trembling, and glares. Her hands ball into fists and her nostrils flare. I’m not sure if she’s going to hit me or hurl some more ugly, hateful words at me.
We stand like that, suspended in our mutual disdain, for what feels like forever. Finally, she marches to the door, slamming it on her way out.
My head pounds and my meds barely do anything to dull the pain, let alone get rid of it. The anguish of losing my sister—although I’m not so sure we ever had anything to lose—and Jared is debilitating.
I can’t believe this is how we end, and as much as I don’t want that to be the case, I’m not sure I can get over this.
Shutting out the world for several days, I text Pansy about not doing yoga without explanation and then turn off my phone. Several people knock on the room door despite the Do Not Disturb sign. And sometimes, they’ll call my name, letting me know that it’s Miguel or my father.
Jared doesn’t come. I’m not too sure how I feel about that. I appreciate he is respecting my wishes and giving me space but also wonder if he has given up. Has he stopped fighting for us?
Maybe it’s better this way. The way it’s meant to be.
Sleep eludes me, and meditation is harder than ever before. I’m too wrecked to shut my eyes or calm my mind for any length of time.
Yet, in those brief moments where my body finally succumbs to slumber, the interlude is short and tumultuous, rife with memories of Jared.
Our park in the pouring rain.
His lips on mine cloaked by shadows of the Jeep.
Watching him work at Romano’s while I did homework.
The car sliding along the slick pavement and smashing into a pole.
29
No matter the battle
JARED
“Silas, I need help.”
The sound of the rolling waves of the Pacific Ocean are hypnotizing. It’s still too dark to make out the water from where I am.
“Jared?” Pansy answers Silas’s phone, sounding disorientated as she should since I woke her up. “Where are you?”
“Shit, Pansy. Sorry.”
“No, no, it’s okay.” I can hear the concern in her voice, and I feel like a shit. “Tell me where you are.”
“In my car, outside of your house.”
“Okay. Jared, come inside.” One side of their house is all frosted glass and a light now blinks on, illuminating the glass of the top floor. “Silas is coming down.”
“Fuck, I shouldn’t have called.” I rest my head on the steering wheel and close my burning eyes. “I just couldn’t…I couldn’t be alone. I was…”
“Hey, it’s okay. Just hang on. We’re glad you called.”
There’s a light rapping on the driver side window, and I lift my head to see Silas motioning for me to open the door.
“Fuck, J, come inside.” He unbuckles my seat belt and pulls me from the car.
He’s trying to be subtle but I catch him sniffing, checking, as he leans into my side.
“I haven’t been drinking. And I haven’t taken anything.” I pull from his grasp, walking beside him into his house. “I want to. Fuck, I want to lose myself in a bottle of pills.”
He stills beside me, wheeling to face me, and Pansy gasps, stopping midstep on her way down the staircase.
“Relax, I’m not going to use. I don’t have shit on me. I’ve talked to and seen my sponsor every day for the past few days. And I’m going to NA meetings. Sometimes twice daily.”
“What happened?” Silas flicks off the front light as we head up to their living room.
They sit side by side on a chair, and I sprawl on the couch, resting my head back on the arm, eyes closed. I tell them everything. It’s been five days since telling Eva.
I’ve been in hell, trying so hard to give her time. Then I broke down two days ago and started texting and calling.
Nothing.
Her phone must be off, because all my calls go to voicemail and in no time at all, her mailbox was full. Then I called the hotel—too many times to count—until I finally found someone who was willing to get me some information. It only took some free Trojan swag and a promise of tickets to my first concert.
The woman I spoke with told me that Eva hasn’t allowed the hotel staff into the room since the day we talked. In fact, she’s instructed the hotel to leave her alone until otherwise instructed.
I’m not proud of using my fame, but I also won’t pretend I’m above it. Those morsels of information about Eva aren’t enough, but they gave me peace of mind for what? Half a day? And then I drove myself crazy again.
Every minute feels like a year, long and unbearable. I just need to get through each minute, each day, and all I think about is Eva.
Or drugs…to numb the pain, to end this suffering and the fucking thoughts of life without her. I can’t go back to living without her. Not now, not after I’ve had her again. I know she’s alive.
“Stay here as long as you want,” Silas says once I’m done baring my soul.
“This explains Eva’s text about yoga, and I’ve tried calling her.” Pansy looks anywhere but at me.
“What?” I want more.
“Look, guys, you may not want to hear this.” She sits up straighter, looking from Silas to me, her gaze solemn.