I wrap my arms around her, unable to keep from touching her for too long, and I hold her small body tight to me. I wish this was done and I’d said all I needed to. But no. Talk about saving the worst for last.
Kissing the top of her head, I look down into her pretty face. “There’s one more thing.”
My heart takes off at a hammering gallop, and I’m sick to my stomach.
“Okay, you can tell me anything.” Her reassuring tone should help settle my inner turmoil, but it only serves to make me feel like more of an asshole. More undeserving of this woman.
I take her hand and lead her to the couch. We sit, slightly facing each other with our knees touching.
“Jared, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? What do you have to tell me?”
The way my heart bashes against my rib cage isn’t a good thing. Dread sinks its teeth into the vital organ. I can withstand any blows to the chest, but if I lose Eva, I’m not so sure I’ll survive.
“Many years ago, in the early days of Trojan’s fame, I…I slept with Bianca.”
She gasps, suddenly pale, dropping my hand and shooting from the couch. “What? Were you together?”
Her gaze is wild and frantic. I jump to my feet, edging toward her, but she spins away, pacing with an arm wrapped around her waist and the other hand covering her mouth.
Her voice trembles. “Oh my God.”
“We weren’t together. It was one stupid time and we regretted it immediately.” The words are broken glass in my throat.
“I can’t believe this.” She shakes her head violently as if rejecting my words.
“I was so fucking high that night. We all were—Bianca, Silas.”
“Silas?” Her eyes glisten, brimming with tears. “What does he have to do with this?”
“It was the first and last time I had a threesome.”
Her neck snaps up, and her troubled gaze stabs me, piercing my already wounded heart.
“A threesome?” Her features are a sickly grey. “Is this a joke? You slept with my sister and Silas?”
My pulse races and echoes in my ears, arms aching to hold her. The emptiness still lingers since the day of the accident. The heavy, grim feeling of never being able to touch, smell, taste her again. Loss.
I just want to bring her close, and yet, with the way she’s looking at me as if she doesn’t know who I am and maybe no longer wants to, I fear the loss of her all over again.
28
Worth every demon
EVA
His disturbing and unfathomable confession whips through me like the force of a hurricane.
A blowtorch to my heart.
Slays me.
Body tattered and torn, tears sting the back of my eyes.
“I didn’t know it at the time, but I was trying to find you.” Regret and shame color his features. “Sounds fucking stupid and twisted, I know. The next day, when I woke up….shit, even before that. Almost instantly, despite being high, I knew I’d made the biggest mistake.”
Covering my mouth, I fight to keep down the bile and other vile things clawing their way up my throat. Tears sting behind my eyes.
“You were connecting with me?” I hear it, the disbelief in my own words, and I can’t help it.
I can barely believe this is happening. A shiver runs down my spine, and everything is twirling.
“Yes. She was the closest person, the only person that knew you…” His wounded stare is bruising, and I look away despite still being drawn to him. “It’s fucked up, I know. And like I said, I was high. I hardly remember it. All three of us regretted it.”
“Bianca…” My hand covers my mouth and everything, my vision and stomach, is swimming. “She…she knew I was alive.”
“Yeah, it’s fucked up. Eva, I didn’t…Eva, I don’t understand what Bianca did. It makes me fucking sick—” he presses his lips together, pausing to collect his thoughts.
Or is it to edit or alter what happened? Try to soften the vile truth of his betrayal?
He must see it too. Bianca knew everything and still did what she did. Why? How could she?
“We all agreed it would never happen again and never spoke of it. We all wanted to erase it. Regretted it.”
“I-I-I can’t do this.” I collapse onto the edge of a chair, staring into my lap. His words twist and coil in my stomach, nausea surging forth. Jared strides toward me, dropping to his knees in front of me.
Dark, strong features twist in worry and shame. He delicately rests his hands on my knees and I flinch at the contact, jerking my legs from him.
I don’t want this. Never before have I not wanted his touch, his hand on me, or his body close. Never.
What’s happening?
“Eva, I’m owning this mistake. I did it for all the wrong reasons. From what I do remember, I didn’t see anyone or anything but you. I wanted it to be you.” His voice cracks, and he curls his fingers into tight balls, trying to keep his hands to himself. “Even fucking stoned out of my mind, I knew it was wrong. It felt all wrong and as much as I wanted you, it wasn’t. Please forgive me.”
“I can’t—” I push past him, covering my mouth with a hand as a rush of disgust and betrayal surges up my throat.
My hand slams the bathroom door wide open, and I fall onto my knees in front of the toilet, lifting the lid and retching. The acrid burn and taste only serve to bring home how ugly and disgusting all of this is.
“Eva.” Jared’s hands gently pull at my hair, lifting it away from my face.
Dropping my butt to the floor, I slide away from him, wedging myself into a corner between the toilet and the bathtub.
Horror and pain dominate his features, and he reluctantly takes a step back. With the back of my hand, I wipe my mouth, and my knees bend to my chest.
“You need to leave.”
His troubled gaze glistens and his lips wobble. “Let me help you. I’m so sorry.”
Instinctively, my hand rubs at my chest where the pulsing ache, eating through me, only intensifies, my heart already fragile from mourning him for a thousand lifetimes.
Words I uttered not too long ago trickle through my mind. This is his past. I can’t fault him for something he did when he thought I was dead. But I don’t know if I can get past this.
“No, please leave.” I rub at my temples.
His chin falls to his chest, and he stands there, eyes closed. As much as my heart still aches for him, I can’t be here with him. I just can’t.
Now on my feet, eyes wet, nose runny, I flush the toilet and storm past him. I’m barely hanging on and need to be alone. As I hoped, he follows me to the door.
“I can’t talk to you right now.”
He opens his mouth and I hold up a hand, steeling my spine for what I have to do.
“No, I can’t, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get past this. I understand you didn’t know I was alive, but Bianca…she’s my sister. I’m not sure I can forgive.”
I open the room door, and a battering ram slams into my stomach at the sight of Bianca standing there.
“What’s…” She reaches for me, puzzled, and I wince, leaning away. “What’s wrong?”