“How do you know when he’d come into the room?”
“First it was the song. He’d play a song, and I knew what was going to happen. I couldn’t let M go through that. The first few times, she cried, and I knew I had to do something. She was very young. Younger than me. I knew I had to protect her.”
“Can you tell me what song it was?”
My shoulders tense, and I shake my head so much it feels like my brain is jiggling around. “No, I don’t want to remember.”
“That’s okay. How long would you stay to help Molly?”
“I’d stay until it was over. I love M, and I never wanted her to remember what he used to do. I took everything away from her. His smell, his words, his sounds.” A tear rolls down my cheek, and fractures my heart. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”
“We don’t need to talk about him. How about AJ, do you like him?”
“I like AJ, but he blames himself.”
“Why does he blame himself?”
“He feels bad, because after AJ came to live with us, he decided he was the protector. The one who kept us all safe. He would come into my room with the bunny when it was time to go to him. He hated having to tell me that. I hated having to hear it. But I don’t blame him. Kate helps AJ not hate himself.”
“What would you like to happen, Neve?”
I look up from my drawing, and focus on Amelia. “I think this is the first time anyone’s every asked me what I want.” M’s Mom gasps as she struggles to hold back tears. “It’s okay, Paris. I understand.” I stand, walk over to her, and hug her.
She hesitantly lifts her arms, and hugs me back.
“I don’t like anyone touching me, but I like your hugs. You’re cuddly,” I say as I tighten my arms around her. “Is it okay if I hug you?”
“You can hug me any time you want, my sweet girl.”
I sit down, and give her a little smile. I like M’s Mom. She’s so nice. Just then I notice the doggy staring at me. “Hello,” I say to the doggy.
“That’s Zhen, he’s Molly’s dog,” M’s Mom offers.
“Hello, Zhen.” I slide off the chair, and sit on the floor. Zhen is hesitant, not sure of who I am. “Come here, boy.” I pat the place in front of my little legs. Zhen stands, with a slight wag to his tail, he paces over.
“Neve, can you describe to me what you look like?” Amelia asks.
“I don’t like my hair.” I pick up a strand and look at it. “It’s dull. See?” I hold it up to Amelia. “I don’t like mirrors either. I’m not very pretty so I don’t like to look at myself. My legs are little, but I’ll get taller one day.” Zhen cuddles into me, and I hug him so tight. “I don’t really like people. But I like you.” I look up to M’s Mom. “And I like Zhen.” I give him kisses on the back of his neck. “I think I like you,” I say to Amelia.
“I really like you, Neve,” M’s Mom says.
“I’m tired, can I go to sleep now?” I ask.
“You can. Do you mind if we have Molly back?”
“I can ask her. Night.” I’m exhausted, I need to go to sleep.
Opening my eyes, I try to blink a few times. I feel so tired.
“What happened?” I ask Mom and Amelia, but turn, looking for Dad.
“We spoke with Neve,” Mom replies.
I listen to the voices, and they’re quiet.
“How are you feeling?” Amelia asks.
“Tired. I um…” I close my eyes to try and concentrate, but I hear nothing. “They’re quiet.” I notice I’m on the floor, and Zhen’s panting in front of me. Standing, I brush off my butt, and sit in the chair again.
Mom stands, walks over to the fridge, and pours some cold water into a glass. She brings it over to me. “Here, have some water.” She pushes the glasses closer to me.
“I feel tired.” Picking up the water, I take a sip. “Why?”
“You’re just learning about your alters. You’ll find certain triggers may bring them out. Maybe they want to be out,” Amelia says.
“Neve asked your father to leave,” Mom says.
“Is that why Dad’s not here?”
“I’m here,” Dad says. “I was sitting outside in the foyer. I was listening to everything that happened.” He walks in, and sits beside me. “I don’t know what to think.” He appears confused. But I doubt he’s anywhere near as puzzled as I am.
I chuckle to myself.
“What’s funny?” Amelia asks.
“Up until recently I thought I was a relatively normal person. Now I find out, I have these…alters, living inside of me. And probably have had them for many years.”
“You’re still you,” she says.
“With these other personalities living inside me?”
“Yes, that’s correct.” She nods her head. “And the four of you have to learn how to live together. You no longer own this body. It belongs to the four of you. Don’t try to lock your alters out.”
This is heavy. I run my hand through my hair, trying to come to terms with this.
“Talk to me, Molly,” Amelia says.
I let out a deep sigh. “I feel like it’s all my fault.”
“What?”
“I’m responsible for them.” I tap my temple.
“Do you want to know what I know about DID?”
“I want to know why I am the way I am.”
“Because you suffered horrific childhood trauma. And your brain went into fight or flight mode, but with repeated and long-term trauma, fight or flight fails. Which is where our brains do whatever they can to survive. And what yours did was dissociate. It said, I’m going to turn off, and surrender. Which is where Neve, AJ and Kate live.”
“I could’ve fought him.”
“No, you couldn’t. I’ll tell you why. As young children, we love unconditionally. Our brains aren’t capable of seeing any family member as evil. It goes against our fundamental belief that our families are there to give us love, attention, food, and safety. So when trauma is forced on us from someone we trust, we start internalizing it. Questioning ourselves. Was it something I did? Could I have stopped this? Is it my fault this happened? The answer is no, to all those questions. Obviously, as a three-year-old, you couldn’t do anything to stop what a sixteen-year-old boy did to you. None of this is your fault. And nothing you could’ve said or done would’ve made him stop. Nothing. This is not your fault.”
A shiver rips through my body. And I feel sick to my stomach. I want to believe what Amelia is saying, but the guilt has become far too big for me to try and come to terms with it.
It’s not your fault. AJ says.
It’s not your fault. Neve repeats.
It’s not your fault. Kate recites.
“You’re all echoes of me,” I say to my alters.
We are all echoes of you.
We’re here with you, M. Let me take over.
“No, AJ. I have to face this.”
Dylan takes my hand in his. I haven’t been able to talk to him yet about everything I’ve found out. I will, but for right now I have to be here, in the present, for Tina.