It hadn’t been one inciting incident; it had been years of being second string to the high. Zephyr loved me. I’d never for a second doubted that. But it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough to make him want to stop.
“Bee, look at me,” Levi shuffled onto his side, forcing me to give him my eyes. I squeezed them shut, wanting to keep my pain for myself. This was my burden to carry, my secret to bear. Yet, Levi—of all people—was here and he was asking me to let him in.
“There she is.” He gently stroked my face, rubbing the tears away with his deft fingers. “I’m not him,” he whispered, his voice cracked with emotion. “I’m not Zephyr.”
No, Levi was worse.
I’d been with Zephyr in the early days, when drugs were fun, something to escape. I’d watched as his addiction spiraled out of control. I’d stood by as it took over his life. With Zephyr, I hadn’t chosen to be with an addict. It just happened. One day, I was head over in heels with a guy, the next I was competing with drugs for his attention.
I’d chosen Levi despite his addiction.
I’d walked headfirst into the lion’s den, knowing how this story would probably play out. And the truth was, I’d probably do it all again. Because I hadn’t been able to save Zephyr. I’d walked away and it had almost killed him—and me.
When I’d gotten the call from one of our friends that he’d OD’d, I’d felt nothing but shame and guilt. He’d taken a lethal concoction of substances. Pumping his body full of drugs to ease the pain of me finally breaking free.
“No, you’re not.” I sniffled back more tears. Levi leaned in, touching his nose against mine until our breaths were mingled and our bodies were pressed impossibly close.
“I’m in control of this, I swear I’m—”
“For how long?” My smile was sad, mirroring the pain in my voice. “Part of it will always control you, Levi.”
“I’ll get help. I’ll see a counselor, a shrink, whatever you want, Bee. I’m serious about us, about you... I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Relief settled in his eyes as he inhaled a sharp breath.
“I’m in love with you, Levi. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did.”
“Y- you... love me?”
I nodded, unsure whether it was the right time to say the words. But he deserved to know.
Levi deserved to know he was worthy of love.
“Fuck, Phoebe. No one’s ever...”
“I know.” I brushed my lips over his. “Your past doesn’t define you. What happened with your mom, that was about her demons, her faults, not yours.” I drew in a deep breath. “You were just a child. Children aren’t born evil, Levi. They aren’t born bad. And I’m so fucking sorry you had to grow up believing you weren’t good enough. Because you are, you are Leviathan Hunter.”
His breath was harsh, the sound reverberating between us.
“I think talking would help. To me, to a profession—” He tensed but I went on. “I’m not saying you have to do it today or tomorrow or anytime soon, but there’s so much you haven’t ever dealt with. You can’t carry that forever, Levi. It’s too much.”
Silence descended over us. Levi watched me, absorbing everything I’d said. I didn’t mean to unload all that, but I was glad it was out. It might have been too late to walk away from him, but I had no plans to stand by and watch Levi ruin everything he’d worked so hard for. I wouldn’t be that girl again.
The girl who waited until it was too late.
“I’m here, Levi. I want to be here. But you have to keep trying.”
“I am... I will... But facing the demons from my past, talking about her...” He expelled a strained breath. “It takes me to a dark place, Bee. Really fucking dark.”
I leaned in and kissed him. Slow and tentative, my fingers sliding against his jaw.
“Then I guess I’ll just have to be your light.”
Levi fell to sleep like that, wrapped around me like a koala. I don’t know if he was emotionally exhausted from our conversation, or whether he was so relieved, he managed to drift off. But after an hour, I finally slipped out of the bedroom and joined Rafe at the table.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“Eva’s video-calling her parents and then wants to speak to Molly. Hudson is getting some beauty sleep, and Damon is... I’m not really sure.”
“Is he okay?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure.” Rafe rubbed his jaw. “How is he?” He flicked his eyes down the bus.
“He’s sleeping.”
A knowing smirk tugged at Rafe’s mouth and I rolled my eyes. “Get your mind out of the gutter. We were talking.”
“Talking? I heard that’s what all the kids are calling it these days.”
“I think we’re okay,” I said quietly, glancing toward the bedroom door.
“It won’t be easy, you know, loving him.”
“I know. But I can’t walk away, Rafe. I won’t.”
“Good. He needs to know he’s worth fighting for. It’s all he’s ever wanted.”
“Doesn’t mean I’m not scared though.” My eyes flicked to his.
“We’ll be here to pick up the pieces when things fall apart.” His expression softened, and I frowned. “I don’t mean like that.” He smiled. “I just mean, you don’t have carry this alone. We love Levi, so fucking much it hurts. But he’s his own worst enemy sometimes. You’ve seen it, you know. He’s different with you though, and we can all see he’s trying. But it won’t be an easy road.”
“I’ve asked him to get help. I don’t know if he will or if he’s ready yet...”
“That’s good. He needs to be challenged sometimes. We’ve stood by and watched him go off the deep end too many times.” Rafe swallowed, his eyes glittering with regret.
“He’s your brother, not your responsibility.” I laid a hand on his arm.
“He’s not yours either. But here we are.”
His words were a heavy weight on my shoulders, but for the first time, I felt like maybe me and Rafe were on the same side—Levi’s side.
A faint smile traced my lips. “Maybe we can carry him together.”
The door to the bedroom opened and Levi stepped into the hall. He looked adorable, all heavy-lidded and sleepy. “Hey,” he said reaching us. “What’s going on?”
“We were just shooting the shit.”
Levi dropped down on the end of the bench and hooked an arm around my shoulder, dragging my body back into his. “You left me.”
“You were sleeping.” I tilted my face up and Levi planted a big wet sloppy kiss on my lips.
Rafe chuckled, clearing his throat.
“What?” Levi asked.
“You’re so fucking pussy-whipped. Never thought I’d see the day.”
“I am, aren’t I?” Levi puffed his chest, shooting me a blinding smile.
“You’re such a goofball.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, enjoying the feel of his arms around me.