‘Doesn’t sound like a discussion — sounds like you have decided.’
‘What do you think?’
‘Sounds like bullshit to me, to be honest.’
‘Why?’
‘Because we’ve already decided and now, you’re going back on your word.’
‘I’m not going back on my word. I’m just saying that we should push it back for at least another two years.’
‘Davina, let me ask you a question.’
‘OK, go ahead.’
‘You back on the pill?’
‘Errrm, why?’
‘Just answer the question.’
‘Errm, yeah.’
‘I fucking knew it. That explains why we haven’t been able to have a baby. Fucking bitch.’
‘Simon, it’s not like that. I just didn’t know how to tell you.’
‘You lied. You’re a snake.’
‘Simon, I swear it’s not like that. I wanted to tell you but you scare me at times.’
‘Is that your fucking excuse for lying, bitch?’
At this point Simon was in my face screaming. I knew things had gone from zero to a hundred real quick. I should have just gone along with the plan. Simon grabbed my head and rammed it into my plate — I had gravy all over my face.
‘Fucking bitch. Now look at the shit you made me do.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me.’
I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had to repair this quickly.
‘OK, babe, let’s just have a baby. I will come off my pills today, I promise.’
‘Nah, bitch, you’re cool. I don’t want no baby with a conniving bitch like you.’
‘Babe, please, let’s try. Forgive me, I was being selfish.’
‘Nah, bitch. I’m good. Go fuck yourself.’
‘Babe, please.’
‘And to think I locked off all my side bitches for a weak-ass bitch like you.’
‘Simon, don’t be like this please. I made a mistake. I fucked up.’
‘Damn right, you fucked up.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Damn right, your sorry. Sorry-ass excuse for a woman.’
And just like that, he walked out and left me, food on my face and left me feeling like crap. I had lost my man because of my selfish ways. And just like that, I was by myself. I hated myself and hated the fact that I had lost everything. What now?
That night I slept alone. Simon didn’t return home for a week and when he did, he just said I had two days to leave.
‘Yo, Davina, this shit ain’t working. You need to be gone in two days before I get back.’
‘Simon, we can get past this. Please, babe, forgive me.’
‘Davina, I’m not one of your fuck boys. You betrayed me and that shit I can’t get past.’
‘Really Simon, you fucked another bitch and got her pregnant — and you can’t forgive me?’
‘That’s your fucking business. You chose to stay, you could have left.’
‘What! I fucking stayed because I loved you.’
‘Well, I don’t love you, so bounce.’
How could he be so heartless? He knew I had nowhere to go and he didn’t care? The man I loved didn’t give a fuck about me and the sooner I realised this the better off I would be. But this shit hurt like hell. He was my rib and I couldn’t function without him. I loved this man with everything I had and he just shitted on me.
I packed and left that night. I wondered the streets for four hours trying to decide on what to do. My tears had dried up — I had no more tears left to cry. I was exhausted and ready to give up.
I stood at the Milestone Bridge ready to give up on life and to give up on myself. I was ready for it all to end. Maybe in death I would finally find peace, maybe in death things would be easy. I wonder if I will go to heaven or hell? Considering I’m not religious I’m probably going to hell. Will hell be better than the hell I’m living at the moment? Should I just jump? Death should come easy this way, quick and painless.
All I ever wanted was to be loved and to feel like I belonged somewhere. I thought I had that with Simon and believed that we would be a family one day. I threw that all away because of my insecurities, trust and selfish ways.
I lost it all and now death will be my comfort to my misery. I was ready for it to end. Pray for me, hope I make it into heaven
True love will never have you second guessing yourself or doubting your decisions. True love allows for mistakes and disagreements. True love builds you up and does not tear you down. True love will feel like true love when you find it. Be patient and trust in God’s timing and believe that you’re worthy of such love.
Eulogy
As I stand here looking over the flowing water, reflecting back on my life, the poor decisions I’ve made over and over again, death seems like the best option to end this misery.
My head hurts, my emotions are running high. Would death be so bad? What about my loved ones that I would leave behind? Am I being selfish? Why are all my emotions governed by Simon’s actions. Simon wouldn’t miss me or regret how he treated me.
My dear child, this world is cruel. Peace and serenity are all we need.
Time is ticking and I have a decision to make, tick tock, tick tock.
I stood at the bridge for an hour contemplating whether to kill myself or not. Was I being selfish? How would my Nan and Chanel cope with my death? I’m sure Simon would move on to the next girl — it would explain where he was for the last week. Simon wouldn’t miss me or regret how he treated me. So what would I really accomplish by killing myself?
Time was ticking and I had a decision to make, tick tock, tick tock…
Appreciations
I first want to thank the God I serve. Through him, all things are possible and I truly believe this. He gifted me with a talent that I ignored for over ten years. Without God I’m nothing.
I would like to thank my children Terrell, Miah, Raheem and Rahmel. They are my motivation and the reason why I started writing. My goal was to provide them a life that would allow me to be around more and to believe in my talent and invest in myself. So, to my beautiful children, thank you. This book was inspired by you guys.
To the Dosunmu family — you are my strength, my backbone and another reason why I’m striving for success. I made a promise to myself to succeed at all cost. The core of who I am is down to my family, so thank you, and to everyone that believed in me — thank you for making this book a success.
To God be the glory.
Again, words will never explain how grateful I am but I trust that this is the path God has set me on and for that I will forever be thankful.
One last quote:
When it seems impossible, just know it’s about to become possible.